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The Time Machine - if i had the opportunity to do something again, what would it be.



Olaoluwa 4 / 6  
Sep 9, 2010   #1
The Time Machine

Everyone wishes to have a time machine which can be used to correct a past occurrence. Though I finished at the top percentile of my class, I would have also loved to be given awards of excellence in my various subjects. If I could go back in time, I would have worked harder to achieve awards in my subjects.

During my senior year, I was given epistles of advice from my parents. They told me that all my work would reflect during my valedictory service, but my myopic vision prevented me from seeing what was ahead. I was the kind of student who didn't require excessive reading to excel in my test. Instead of reading, I would rather play soccer or find a way to distract myself. My inability to read extensively depleted my academic excellence which I failed to realize early. I was satisfied with my current academic performance but others believed that I could do way better. I misplaced my priority and lost concentration during lectures because of various distraction. My inability to read extensively and my loss of concentration during lectures depleted played a major role in my lowered academic performance.

It was my final year in school and my parents became very concerned about my lack of seriousness. I realized that I needed to become focused because I knew that I would not be granted a second chance. This realization made me encouraged me to improve my reading ability which was necessary for my success. Though I realized my mistakes late, I was able to attain all credits in my final exam.

My family came for my valedictory service to witness me being honored with awards for excellence in subjects, but I knew that they were going to be disappointed. My name was called and I received various awards but none included excellence in subjects done. Everyone expected more from me but I had failed to meet up with their expectations.

Though I know that there is no such thing as a time machine and it is impossible to change what I have done, I have realized that making amendments is plausible. I have become a more focused person: one who is aware of his priorities in life. I am positive that if I am accepted into Purdue University, I will have no regrets.

mea505 - / 265  
Sep 9, 2010   #2
If I could go back in time, I would work harder with my studies in order to achieve more awards. I am sure that everyone wishes they can travel in time and re-work a past time, in which he or she did not work as hard as possible. To relive those times is like having a second chance at receiving the awards.

I would definitely use something like (above) this to begin my essay, as it brings forth a topic sentence upon which you can build the rest of your essay. You have some conflicts in your essay with respect to time and non/verb agreement. Otherwise, if you re-work essay using the above as a topic sentence, I think you might feel a little better about it.

Thanks,

Mark
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Sep 11, 2010   #3
Everyone wishes to have a time machine which can be used to correct a past occurrences.

It will be beter if you write "errors" instead of occurrences, because an occurrence is not necessarily bad.

Whenever a sentence is so long that it could be 2 sentences, it needs a comma to separate the 2 halves:
I was satisfied with my current academic performance, but others believed that I could do much way better.
This sentence is a compound sentence (contains 2 complete sentences) so it needs a comma.

plural: because of various distractions.

My inability to read extensively and my loss of concentration during lectures depleted played a major role in my lowered academic performance.

Ha ha, I can tell you are very intelligent. You know what? When you get older you will see that the student's ability to earn awards does not just depend on the students. The awards are designed by teachers, and the students are supposed to be motivated in a particular way. You are smart enough to understand what a "systemic" approach to studying something is. You have to study the whole system. I hope you don't spend any time worrying about high school awards. You will see that they have an ounce of importance, whereas everything you do after high school has a ton of importance.


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