Timing for choosing a job

The topic: Some people think that people who choose a job early and keep doing it are more likely to get a satisfying career life than those who frequently change jobs

Picking a Career

Choosing a job soon are more likely to get a satisfying career life than who usually change works is not true.

The first thing, Millennial generation are different from Baby Boomers generation. Young people now does not want a normal job such as a civil servant which job always have to stay in the office, deal with so many paperwork which it's really boring. they prepare willing to switch their job. they are independent and don't afraid of unemployment. For instance, an older sister who I knew, she is skilled, pretty and literally confident in herself. she substituted cabin crew for her uninteresting job which she had stucked for a long time. Becoming a flight attendant is her dream.

The second problem of changing jobs is a lot of question have to answer. "How long have you stayed with that job ?'". "Had you ever tried your best yet " I take the view that, we have to work at least 2 years in one job or maybe 1 year. you have to make an effort to complete your work. Trying to improve your skills and when you live you have more things than the first day. To conclusion, to find a good job it's very tough and search for a suitable job for yourself it's more difficult. Continue doing the jobs which you are uninspiring or be brave and challenge yourself with the new work. Everything depends on yourself.

@yoona_crocodiles
Try to use simpler or less complex structures in your sentences to evade potential mistakes. It's already quite difficult to keep track of the fundamental structures and grammar rules on their own. I would highly suggest that to keep minimum the mistakes, you should always try working with shorter, concise sentences. Doing this can enhance the overall flow of your essay because you would have more grasp over the direction of your content.

You should also try to avoid language that is quite informal. Always stick to an academic format of writing.
Let's take a look at your first paragraph. It is nice how you have incorporated more of a story-telling format in this portion. However, it would be appreciated if you could tone down your usage of informal words. For instance, I could revise your second line as:

Young people prefer staying away from desk jobs that require them to be in cubicles because of the monotonous nature of the work.
Notice how instead of mentioning normal job, I had opted to say desk jobs that require you to stay in cubicles because it sounds more formal and fluid. I also did not call the work boring - instead what I had done is mention that the nature of the work is repetitive. Learning this technique can be quite difficult at first; but for as long as you use your dictionary and thesaurus, you'll go a long way with improving the tone of your language.

Apply these comments to the next paragraph as well.
You should also separate your conclusion from the second paragraph. Watch out for your usage of preposition. It should be in conclusion - not to conclusion (not unless you want to say to conclude then it would be grammatically correct). In addition, you should also be more clear with your language here.

Link back your conclusion to the overall context or theme of the essay. It's insufficient to just say that everything depends to the individual. Mention how fulfilling this path is in comparison to moving too much between jobs.

Best of luck.

thank you for reading my essay ? I will try my best to fix my mistakes. LOVE