TOEIC- What are the advantages and disdvantages of teenagers having jobs?

Pros and Cons of Teens Working

In my opinion, a great number of people forbid their children to have a part-time job when they are studying at school. They think is bad for children.

First of all, people think that children have to focus on their academy and at that time studying is the most important thing to them. If they go to work, they may neglect their homework and get a bad grade. Even, they will give up going to school.

In my experience, when I was a high school student, I didn't have a part-time job. Therefore, after school, I always did my homework and prepared for the test. At school, I could focus on the lessons and also got great a grade on an exam. However, I had a classmate who always slept on in classes and seldom done his homework. At first, I thought he must be a bad student and played all the time. Suddenly, I found that he had a part-time job every day and also on weekends. Because of the job, he didn't have too much to sleep and study. When I asked him why he could not study hard now and then he could get more money in the future. He told me that his family needed a lot of money so he had to do this.

According to this experience, although many people think having a job will affect students' homework, some children have to earn money. Otherwise, they do not have money to live and finish studying. Nevertheless, there are still some advantages. If you go to work, you would understand how the world is and perhaps find what you really want to do. At that time, you will know more and more people who you never meet at school. Perhaps, they will help you someday. That's why my college professors always call us to find some internship.

Above all, we know that having a job may increase our working experience, earning money and make some friends. However, it may affect to students' homework.

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I think your essay would improve if you elaborate more on the introduction. Briefly discussing the subject before saying what you think about it helps the reader get a grasp on what the topic is about. After doing that I think it would be useful if you clearly state what you think about the subject: do you agree or disagree with the statement? Finally, after you stated your opinion, you should give the title for the arguments you are about to describe in the following paragraphs. In doing so, the reader gets a good idea on what to expect for the whole essay.

Also, in the conclusion you can win easy points by doing a brief summary of the reasons provided, giving a better structure to the essay.

Hope it helps.

@joanne1203
I suggest rephrasing your first paragraph to answer more directly to the question. The phrasing of the question is asking you to elaborate on the advantages and disadvantages of teenagers acquiring jobs; it is not particularly asking for a specific opinion on people who forbid their children to have part-time jobs.

If I were to revise this, I could say something like:
There has been a growing debate on whether teenagers should or should not partake in part-time jobs while they are studying. There are pros and cons to this that will be elaborated in the essay.

Notice how instead of pointing attention to the fact that there are parents who forbid children from taking jobs, I have chosen to discuss that there benefits and disadvantages to the situation at-hand. While the point you have made is legitimate, it does not necessarily address what is asked for in the question. A simple rebranding and revising can help you immensely.

When you're writing your essay, always have that end-goal in mind that you are writing for the sake of answering the question; therefore, this only warrants that you pay close attention to details.

I have also noticed that you have a tendency to construct complex and quite honestly baffling sentence structures. Evade this at all costs, especially if you are writing for a test. This can help you create a better flow for your essay.

Let's take a look at your second paragraph. What I would have done here instead is:
Firstly, when children are young, it is advised that they focus on their academics. This is a period of time that they should devote most of their attention to studying. If they choose to work part-time, they may neglect to finish their homework. This can eventually lead to bad grades, harming potentially their long-run school career.

Notice how I had divided my sentences into smaller chunks of thoughts. Notice how I had also clarified my language through articulating in the most logical manner possible. You should always follow a rhythm when you are writing. Make sure that you make it clear to the readers why this particular thought would lead to this other thought eventually. Having this grasp over language can exponentially help you.

In terms of the technical portions, you should be wary of your usage of verbs (forms-wise). There were instances wherein you did not follow the conventions of grammar in subject-verb agreements.

This is noticeable in your third paragraph. Let's look at the fourth sentence in here. I could rephrase it as:
I had a classmate who slept always in classes and seldom did his homework.

These mistakes may be minute, but the technical criteria when you are writing for tests is crucial and may make or break your entire standing.

I would also suggest that you try to extend your conclusion. Because of the word count, I would only suggest that you try to keep minimum your story-telling in the second paragraph to devote more of your space into adding substance to the last portions of the essay.

Best of luck.