Unanswered [7] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width   Posts: 8


Topic: Events bring people together.



baohuy 1 / 3  
Jul 7, 2010   #1
Topic: Events bring people together.

after edits:

Though there might be conflicts in professional or career related issues, most people often misunderstood the meaning of events from common like the usual leisure activities to rare including the world up as something that they could take amusement, anxiety, or keenness along with their stressful and busy daily lives. In fact, events could do more than they have expected, and bringing people together is one of its most illustrious examples in family, society, country, and other circumstances.

It's well known fact that almost all families have internal argument or even worst, unexpected division. This also occurs in companies, friendship and those with romantic relationship, which causes lots of troubles to either themselves or their relatives. Consequently, some common events such as the Christmas holiday or familiars have a very high chance to soften their frustration, easing their temporarily pointless anger, and show them that once something had gone, it could be impossible to reclaim. Therefore, giving them a remembering-for-life experience and bringing them together for the sack of their own good.

Secondly, in large events such as the one-per-four-year's world cup is an opportunity for all nations to put aside their differences and head on to this worldwide phenomenon in order to prove and blow-in fame for themselves and their country, no matter if there were any national contradiction between them. Likewise, socialization in society is another thing for us to consider. As usual events in leisure activities could make two complete strangers or a couple becomes close friends of each other, just with some conversations or discussions. In short, events often get people to know each other better and endure sportsmanship, friendship and so on.

In conclusion, besides cheering us up, events also have a hard-to-recognize value. It's the usefulness of bringing people together in a considerable number of aspects in our daily lives.

Please correct and mark my essay.
Thank you so much.


ellenhepden 2 / 9  
Jul 7, 2010   #2
Hello Dinh Bao Huy

I have written below a reorganised version of you short essay. I think It is important that you focus on not repeating yourself.
It is nice that you chose to take the essay to ideological and motivational place. Remember if your doing this that succinct, punchy sentances will get your message across most effectively

Take Care

Ellen

Globalization and the trend toward international communication have seen events which bring people together burgeon. Such events challenge barriers such as language, race and religion. They also provide information about different cultures; help strengthen relationships between individuals and countries for the betterment of international political relations.

The World Cup 2010 is a current example one such event and is proving extremely effective at uniting the African nations and the thousands of overseas supporters in South Africa. From over 32 countries all participants, irrespective of their differences share their love of football, open dialogue and grow to know each other on some level.

Events like this can serve to make us think of war, poverty and crime all around the world and moreover help us strive and struggle for a better world. The organisation of events which address the darker sides of the global community are important, and with the power of many people, hopefully solutions may become clear.

Ultimately events and global communication can and must serve to reach out to others and also bring them together to make the world a better place.
OP baohuy 1 / 3  
Jul 7, 2010   #3
Thanks for your feeback. I have a question for you, um... "affection to", what does it mean?
Maybe my task is complex, especially, between globalization an events, it seems to be prolix, right?
Can you give me some advise about my conclusion? How many words i need to write?
Finally, May I ask how many scores i get?
Thanks again Azeri!

To Ellen,
i think your essay digressed because the topic requires our try to explain how do events bring people together.
Thanks for reading my essay! :)
ellenhepden 2 / 9  
Jul 7, 2010   #4
No problem - sorry i wasnt more helpful

cheers

Ellen
OP baohuy 1 / 3  
Jul 7, 2010   #5
To Ellen,
I have just saved your essay, it is really useful and your advice helped me a lot.
A lot of academic words i have to learn in your essay
Thanks again!
vaishali1980 26 / 76  
Jul 7, 2010   #6
You can use dictionary to find out smiler word and try to develop your essay.
Azeri 10 / 130  
Jul 8, 2010   #7
Hi, Baohuy.

affection is equal in meaning to "love", "attachment".

it was just suggestion, since I don't think that the use of "love" was a mistake. Thanks for asking, because your question urged me to look through the sentence again and to find out that I made a mistake too:) correct form: affection for something

It means,love for football and sporting events connect people closer.

Maybe my task is complex, especially, between globalization an events, it seems to be prolix, right?

Sorry, but I don't understand what you mean by this question.

A conclusion should not be limited to one sentence; write two or more depending on the content and size of the essay. Usually main points are briefly listed there again.

I cannot say your probable score, since I don't know what type of essay it is, and consequently what are the evaluation standarts. Is it TOEFL or IELTS essay?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Jul 8, 2010   #8
Nowadays, globalization is a common trend, so many events are organized to bring people together. Events can do even more than we expect, because they break down barriers such as language, skin color and religion. ----Notice all the small changes I made here, and see if it helps you to get a good idea of how to achieve correct grammar.

Here, I'll break a long sentence into 2 sentences, because it is a "run on sentence," which is incorrect. see below:
Besides, it helps us exchange information about culture, economy or whatever we need. Moreover, it maintains and tightens...

And now I'll use the word "among"
... a relationship among countries in the world to avoid the war, poverty and crime.

One thing is...
Two things are...
Three things are...
A thousand things are...
I am....
You are...
These are three things, so use "are"
_War, poverty and crime are some of the bad things in the world, and ...

:-)


Home / Writing Feedback / Topic: Events bring people together.
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳