Toefl topic -- why should people attend the university?

Toefl topic
Q: why should people attend the university?

Many people always doubt whether they should attend the university or not. In my point of view, it is essential, here with the reasons followed.

First of all, getting higher education will make one's personality more mature and rational, he/she will learn to think by a critical way using the theory learned in university. Furthermore, the campus life helps students realize the importance of the team work, One of my best friends, Joey, is the best example for me to support this idea, when she was still a high school student, she always did things following her own mind, never cared about the others. But after attending university, other than study hard, she enthusiastically participated in the student union and engaged in part-time jobs. She started caring about the friends' emotions, following the principles of the teams, taking the partners' suggestion into considerations. We were all wondering what made her change so much, she unveiled the answers to us. It is the university that witnesses her changes...

Then the courses of university will help students get a better understanding for what they will do in the future and assist them in finding the real interest for themselves. As shown in a research, 75% of students in China find their majors are not what they real interests during the university, 30% of which transfer to another majors, which indicates that within the 3 or 4 bachelor's years, we can find out the career we have passion on it.

Last but not least, students can find plenty of friends having the same hobbits and interest, or even lovers in the cheerful and colorful campus life.

Overall, although there exists tremendous of examples showing that life can be successful even without university, in my opinion, it is a necessary experience for everyone.

I see a problem with articles (a, an, the), which begins in the way that you have rephrased the prompt. In American English, we would say "why should people attend a university?" while in British English, we would say "why should people attend university?" Either would be acceptable. But "why should people attend the university" implies that one particular university, rather than universities in general, is the subject of the discussion.

Elsewhere in the essay, I see:

...getting a higher education will make one's personality more mature and rational...

Furthermore, the campus life helps students realize the importance of the team work.

students can find plenty of friends having the same hobbits and interest

I think you meant to say hobbies and interests.

he/she
Do not use the slash, instead you could say "the individual"

Also, you should try to avoid using so many transitions (First, Second, Last, etc.) for this may look somewhat juvenille to the reader. Try transitioning by stating new ideas...

EF_Simone

kma721

i will improve it!

really appreciate your help.