Topic: People are walking less. What are causes and solutions?

Help me, I was marked band 3 for this essay but i don`t know why.

Moving from place to place not on foot

In this day and age, we are living in a world where leading a healthy life is a heated topic and often discussed. It is universally acknowledged that people are walking less than we used to do in the past. There are numerous reasons for this problem and also a few actions we can do to address it.

There is a considerable number of causes to this problem. One of them must be the impacts of urbanization. Nowadays, mass transit is getting more convenient. As a result, people are using other means of transport to get to work instead of having a chinwag. Another reason is also relevant to the impact of urbanization is the lack of time. The fact is that we are working more time that we did in the past. According to VietNam general statistic office, people are spending more time at work rather than invest in personal cognitive and physical development. In addition, in urban areas, lack of open space for working out, especially for walking is also a main cause.

On the other hand, there are also feasible solutions we can do to enhance this problem. One of them is that we can take walking to work as a daily basis activity. Another thing the government can do to solve the problem is to impose working hours restriction rules to every corporations. In addition, they can construct more open spaces for working out and especially for walking.

In conclusion, people are walking less than they used to in the past. There are numerous reasons for this problem and also a large number of feasible alternatives we can do to address it.

I can somehow see why you received a low score:
- You repeat the phrase "There are numerous reasons for this problem" in the opening and ending. And there are more, namely "feasible alternatives", and so on.

- I dont see you really explained your point, you just simply gave reasons. For example this: "In addition, in urban areas, lack of ..." (That's the end of your second paragraph? You didnt even bother explaining it). And "In addition, they can construct ..."(the same thing as well).

- Your reasons really make me confused when reading it. That entails lowering your C&C scoring component.
- "having a chinwag"? I think you completely misunderstood the meaning of this word. Maybe you were referring to a kind of transport, but the meaning is something different ( "Britain, informal An informal conversation, usually about everyday matters; a chat, a gossip.") See?

I am gonna give you an advice: Next time, rather than counting your reasons, focus on giving more details to clarify your points. In addition, properly explaining your details. You will avoid having a very low score.

I hope that helps. Be sure to check your mistakes.

Thank you for your help. I really appreciate it.

The main problem that I see with this essay has to do with the clarity of the discussion. You are using too many words, such as "and also", which mean the same thing so you create confusion in your statements. Either say "and" or "also", never "and also". The cohesiveness and conciseness of your paragraphs were compromised because of your unclear paragraph presentations. You make the essay too wordy just to meet the word requirement and as a boost to your LR score rather than focusing on providing a clear discussion of your reasons and supporting statements.

The prompt provided is a direct question essay. This requires you to outline your discussion points as a part of the opening paraphrase. That is another reason why you scored less. You should have provided 2 connected causes and 2 possible solution within the opening paraphrase to indicate the discussion of the upcoming paragraphs.

You were not very careful with your spelling either. The essay shows that you did not practice the Read, Revise, Review, Revise, Finalize practice of checking your essay before submission. Simple errors like "VietNam" create a problem for your LR score when it could have been prevented with simple editing and proof reading. You are being asked to discuss reasons, so you should be discussing 2 connected reasons in one paragraph. Use a transition sentence to connect the two topics in one paragraph presentation. The same goes for the solution. The lack of transition sentences in the paragraphs affected the GRA score for your essay.

Finally, your concluding summary wasn't a proper summary of the aforementioned discussion. You were supposed to repeat the prompt, offer the causes and solutions, then close the essay in this paragraph. It was to be done in a manner similar to the prompt paraphrase. You did not accomplish that in this presentation.

Based on these observations, you can see why you did not score well in this essay presentation.