The problem of raising children these days
Hi, I am trying so hard these day to get a higher band in my writing while our country still under lockdown and our schools are closed so I have more time for preparing the IELTS test. This is my another essay, could you evaluate it and if you have time could you tell me which band this essay may get ? Thank you so much for your time and have a good day.
Topic 3:The position of women in society has changed greatly in the last 20 years. Many of the problems young people are now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise because married women now work and do not have time to take care to their kids.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion.
As society progresses, family has been through a series of alternations and shifts in term of models and member roles. More and more women go to work and participate in social activities in order to provide finance for themselves and their family. Since the social roles of women changed, opinions are differ as to whether existing a strong correlation between these changes and the rise of crime committed by teenagers or not. In my own point of view, I strongly disagree with this opinion.
To begin with, there are many factors that lead to youth crime. For examples, the exploration of the Internet and the popularity of mobile phones. Children nowadays are no longer be dictated by their parents anymore, they are independent and have their own space so it is harder to control them. In addition, online access also comes with risks like inappropriate content, cyberbullying, online predators that could pollute children's mind and make kids more prone to social evils.
On the other hand, since the number of working mothers increased over time, two-income family have become a typical family structure in modern day. That means that child-bearing become a priority for both mothers and fathers, they have to cope with the demands of both career and family. So if a child committed a crime then not just only the mother has to responsible for that action but also the father.
In conclusion, I believe that to raise and protect the future generation we need harmonious and effective collaboration between mothers and fathers, they both have to spend time and supervise their children. More importantly, content which is shared widely on the Internet should be restricted and controlled effectively so that online platforms can no longer pollute children's mind anymore.
First paragraph second line,
"term" should be 'terms'.
Also in fourth line,
"opinions are differ" should be 'opinions have differed'.
In second paragraph third line,
cut the word "be" before dictated.
Third paragraph third line,
"become" should be 'became'.
Your third paragraph is not clear, at least to me. First two sentences tell about families where both parents work, so I assume this paragraph backs up the main topic which is ok. But then the last sentence about the responsibility does not fit here. Not that I disagree but it is not what the paragraph seems to be about and not what the topic of this essay is.
Your third paragraph is too short in my opinion, three sentences usually is not enough. It is even shorter than the introduction.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,540 3448
The extent essay is a single opinion essay that does not allow the writer to give a compare and contrast discussion due to the instruction requirements for the discussion. Wherever the OR word is included in a discussion question, the writer is given the opportunity to focus on only one discussion choice. The word OR connotes an alternative response. It is indicative of a decision that has to be made regarding the writer's opinion of the given topic. Only one side has to be represented otherwise the essay will be scored down. In this case, the essay will be considered only partially correct in format and response. It will lose points for a number of reasons:
- The direct opinion was discussed in a comparative format, indicating that the response is tangential in content.
- TA scoring will be provided only for the portions of the essay that support your response to the discussion question. The essay will have points deductions for being under the word count. The under the word count situation happened because you used a C/C format instead of a focused opinion discussion.
- The words relating to the non-supported discussion will not be counted towards the word count requirement of 250 words. A percentage for the missing word count will be deducted from the TA score.
- The explanation provided for the POV that you support is under represented. It needs more information in terms of examples and supporting explanations for one topic sentence only. Using 2 topics in one sentence is what created the under supported explanation presentation.
As such, there will be enough subtracted points to adversely affect your final score. This will not get a passing mark because of the error in discussion formatting. A direct opinion essay must support only one point of view, not 2 points of view. That is why you were asked to make a choice between 2 possible discussion points. You can only use the C/C format in "discuss both points of view" discussion prompts.