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Toefl essay. The twentieth century


Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 17, 2009   #1
My writing skill seem bad gradually, i do not know its reason. Therefore, i practice writing an essay everyday so that my writing skill improve.

Does anyone help me revise my essay; i need feedback to improve writing.

The question is that

The twentieth century saw great change. In your opinion, what is one change that should be remembered about the twentieth century? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice.

The great change in the twentieth century is about electricity-based technologies. They are a heating system, a cooling one and kitchen tools. With these technologies, people are likely to have a more comfortable and convenient life than in the past.

To begin with, during the winter, they just use an electric heating appliance to protect then from being frozen. Years ago, when the winter approached, they had to gather in logs to a firework, which is time-consuming. Today, with a new technology, they do not have to do it. They just buy an electric heater and bring it to their home. Then, they switch it on by either a remote control or a push button, which is very convenient.

What's more, when the summer comes, they prepare for it by using an electric cooling system to keep themselves cold. In those days, people had to go under the shade of a large tree to make them feel cool. Nowadays, with new technologies introduced into the world, they only pick up an electric cooling equipment at the appliance store and take it to their home. Then, they turn on its switch whenever the summer arrives.

More important, people tend to produce many types of food quickly. Many years ago, they had to use natural materials such as leaves to cover fish while roasted, tree branches to hanging a pot and a small pond for boiling water and cooking rice, which was difficult to look for a place with such things. With new technologies such as an electric rice pot, an oven and even a fryer, they find it easy to prepare food for any events like a ceremony. They can effectively use these electric appliances only by setting an operating time, which is very reliable.

In conclusion, technologies that use electricity have a lot of valuable benefits. They are able keep people healthy without any ailments during the winter and summer period and also facilitate a food production process to keep up with demands when a big party occurs.

meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Dec 17, 2009   #2
The great change in the twentieth century is about electricity-based technologies. They are a heating system, a cooling one and kitchen tools. With these technologies, people are likely to have a more comfortable and convenient life than in the past.

The great change< the prompt asks about the great change, so maybe another word, something creative? Of all the changes of the twentieth century,... or During the twentieth century, several new innovations changed the world, but electrical ones made the greatest impact. The list of 3 examples is a start. heating and cooling system, and computerized kitchenware. That last sentence is good. however, the prompt asks about the 20th century= 1900s, so maybe the effects/changes already occurred...and are still occurring? This intro works, but there's not much creativity in the language, the words you choose, the phrasing, "the great change...is about...technologies.. They..." is a tad non-parallel.

what is one change

you chose two changes? A/C (air conditioning) and kitchenware. Your explanations are ok.. but what do they REALLY tell about that are worth mentioning as the ONE and only change of the twentieth century? Yes, A/C is great, it saves people from the harsh cold/heat, but what else does it do? it controls the environment, allows people to live even in the Arctic/Antarctic, or even in the middle of deserts, A/C allows people to regulate food temperature/freeze food, stabilize things for reaction/research/ ship food across countries w.o just ice packing..Be creative! yes electrical appliances were a great change, but what else other than parties :]

About writing skill, the conclusion is better I think than what I read last time. you try to lead into other topics...however, place your topic more in the scope of the change.

They are able keep people healthy without any ailments during the winter and summer period and

Good. but A/C keeps people comfortable, not healthy? well, somewhat healthy, but that's more about diet. however, since you talked about frying pans, steam cookers, etc, this sentence doesn't address that part of the change. If you want, you can mention how these electrical changes are not just those valuable to heating/cooling homes, but also allow people to cook in these more controlled environments. again, creativity to connect what you write about.
s011208 6 / 15  
Dec 17, 2009   #3
technologies that use electricity have a lot of valuable benefits.

is it sonunds a little bizzare?

electronic technologies have a lot of benefits

benefit is valuable, is it? if not, i think it may not the benefit

They are able to keep people healthy

I just a learner as same as you & try to find some errors,
if I made worng, told me,plz : ]
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 17, 2009   #4
This is one of the difficult essay that i write. But, i use feedback to improve my essay.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Dec 20, 2009   #5
Therefore, i practice writing an essay everyday

Excellent, I sure respect that. I hope you will read some books by Stephen Kind, and read them aloud. that is what helps. King writes in a simple style that is beautiful but not too complex. Another good book to read aloud is Tolle's The Power of Now. Please read aloud, and it will help you improve so fast!!

Years ago, when the winter approached, they had to gather in logs to a firework, which is time-consuming.---> A firework is what they use on the 4rth of July holiday. Fire wood is what they used the logs for.

The feedback given by John and s011208 is very good, but actually, you did not make mistakes. This writing is very good, better than the writing of many people I know who grew up speaking English. I am not lying. You write very well now.


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