TOEFL writing task 2: Which of the two approaches should busy parents spend with their children?

TOEFL writing task 2:
Some people believe that when busy parents do not have a lot of time to spend with their children, the best use of that time is to have fun playing games or sports. Others believe that it is best to use that time doing things together that are related to schoolwork. Which of the two approaches do you prefer?

A. (306 words)

limited time of busy parents

While some people believe that when busy parents do not have a lot of time to spend with their children, the best use of that time is to do things together that are related to schoolwork instead of having fun playing games or sports, other disagree. Personally, busy parents should spend their time with children on doing things that are related to schoolwork since they care about children's future, study, and ability.

First, parents care about their children's study and if they use that time to do things related to schoolwork with children, it can help improving their children's study. For example, if parents spend time teaching their children who are not good at math, it might help their children to get higher score and to have more interesting at math. Then, they will be more confident of themselves and more easily to get a job having a better future.

On the other hand, spending time with children having fun playing games or sports might be negative to their children. That is to say, if parents play a video game with their children whenever they have time, because of the happy time with parents, their children might love the video game and want to spend more and more time on it. Therefore, they waste a lot of time and have less time to study. Accordingly, busy parents should use their time with children on doing things that are related to schoolwork instead of having fun together playing games or sports.

All in all, the best use of the limited time of busy parents is to do things together that are related to schoolwork instead of having fun playing games or sports. That is, since they care about children's future, study and ability, spending time to do things together that are related to schoolwork is more appropriate.

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I'm not sure if my examples and description are good enough...
Hope someone can give me some advise about how to improve my essay and get a better score.

Thanks for everyone who revises my essay!

Dear @pepe33,

I am still learning, but maybe I can give you some advise that you can use:)

On the first paragraph, try to paraphrasing the question, it seems like you almost copy all of the questions, for easy sample maybe you can change schoolwork word into study or you change believe word into think.

Then the question want you to compare both view, so try give the positive and the negative of both, and at the end you can give conclusion on which one you prefer and the reason you choose that.

I hope my comment can help :)

Good luck!

Sera, when you are asked "Which of the two methods do you prefer?" you are being asked to pick one side of the discussion to represent, support, and convince the reader about in your essay presentation. There is no need for a comparison discussion because this is an essay that focuses on a personal point of view. Your examples are good and your discussion is sound. However, I feel that the essay is too wordy which will cut into the time that you have for editing and revising the essay. Your direct approach to the response in the opening paragraph is excellent and expected in a TOEFL exam. However, your last sentence is a little bit improperly structured. You should have said, "Personally, I believe that..." Since this is your opinion statement, you must make sure to show ownership of the statement that will be discussed within the essay. Try to avoid overly long sentences. Instead, go for short but informative presentations so that you do not end up wasting time that can be used for the editing and perfecting of your essay presentation instead. Writing 250 words will be sufficient provided you took the time to carefully develop and edit your paper prior to submission.