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jkarmie 1 / 1  
Jan 13, 2023   #1
THIS IS MY FIRST TIME WRITING AN ESSAY SO HELP ME !!! Any feedback is appreciated.

3. Tell us about (up to) five activities or accomplishments

in one or more of the following areas:

Member of my school's sports team as a goalkeeper in Handball, football, and floorball and as a centre (C) in the basketball team. As an athlete, I served as a team captain for 3 different teams and won many awards. It gave me some life-changing experiences and important skills, allowed me to improve my own abilities and boost my confidence in leading my teammates through intense competition.

I was a member of the news club which exposed me to the skills of journalism and public speaking. I was also a part of the STEM club which provided additional chances to explore STEM topics and challenges through hands-on learning. I did my solo project making a Wire loop game, an Oobleck experiment and an Arduino project, for school fairs.

Leadership Positions and Activities
In my sophomore year, I was elected as a House captain. Being a leader, I was a role model in terms of attitude, attendance, behaviour and manners to all members. I helped organize and support House activities taking, vital steps to maintain a healthy atmosphere all around the year. Not only that, I organized and actively participated in faculty events as an event host.

During school break, I help my parents to manage our family's two optical shops. I see through all the sales and marketing. Through this job, I learned many skills in customer service, teamwork, and communication. My work there taught me to excel at timed-order production, multitasking, and handling stress effectively during busy periods.

I volunteered at local polling stations, where I helped citizens verify the data of voting IDs in the voter's list, to ensure a successful and legitimate election. I worked on political campaigns and did statistical computer work. I advocated in sexual assault protests for the repeal of the 'one-year' statute of limitations on rape cases. Following widespread protests, the parliament amended the old act, which is a significant step forward.

Service to Others
For the last 2.5 years, my dad and I have been working together on a charitable effort to benefit the neighbourhood communities in Nepal's rural Kalikot district. As my father is an ophthalmic officer, we collaborated to organize a free eye camp. This camp was held for elderly people who are prone to various eye diseases in their old age and are unable to receive treatment. I participated in a charity and helped plan events like giving out warm clothing and instructing young children. We valued the service because dealing with young people and the elderly enables me to develop emotionally and socially.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,648 4752  
Jan 13, 2023   #2

This lacks a clear accomplishment reference. What you should be enumerating are the number of timer the teams you captained won, any MVP awards you received for team participation, or any other recognition you may have received owing to your position as team captain. This does not infer actual achievements in sports.


You certainly were busy as a club member. However, the depiction needs to discuss notable activities you participated in. For example, being a member of the yearbook team would show an active school social setting participation. Focus on the STEM club instead. That has a marked participation mention.

Leadership Positions and Activities

Add a mention of the dispute mediation activities you may have had. Show how you handle group or individual discord as these could happen to you while in college. A true leader can lead in bad times as well so include that in the explanation.

These are the points that need revisions or additional information.
OP jkarmie 1 / 1  
Jan 13, 2023   #3
Thank you for your feedback. Actually, I wrote a pretty long explanation but had cut down thinking it would be long. For a Short Description, how many Maximum characters should be okay to include?

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