Hi reviewers, thank you in advance for reviewing my essay. I am preparing for IELTS GT exam and the following essay is for Writing task 2. I have 3 weeks to prepare, and if you can provide a review as per TA ( Task Achievement), CC ( Coherence and Cohesion ), Lexical Resources/ Vocabulary (LR) and Grammer (GR), that will help me to focus on the weakest area. If not, any suggestions/ comments are welcome.
Subject - The use of cell phones has grown rapidly in the past few years. People use them for both business and personal reasons. What are the advantages and disadvantages of the widespread use of cell phones? Give your reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.
Advantages and disadvantages of mobile phones
The use of cellular phones has grown exponentially in the recent years, and people utilize mobile phones for work and personal reasons. One of the biggest advantages of the mobile phone is communication has become easier and people are always reachable by their phones. Although too much of usage of the phone has affected in-person communication and traditional conversation.
Mobile phones have changed communication drastically, now people are always connected, therefore they can interact with another person at any time and anywhere. In the era of landlines, people have to be at one location to interact with a person who is not physically available at same location. But using the cellular phone, you can go around the globe and as long as if you get the network, you can talk to your distant families, friends, and colleagues at any time. For instance, working remotely or working offshore has become more common in the IT field. This allows people to stay focus at home and take care of household chores as well as getting touch with work colleague whenever they are needed.
In person communication and traditional conversation have been affected due to mobile usage. With aid of technology, using the mobile phone you can communicate as well as do many things like reading newspaper, listen to the audiobook, chat on the internet, browse social media, shop online and so on. Since mobile phone offers so many features, people are always occupied with their phones. For illustration, if you go to any party or big family get together, half of the visitors are checking their phones and they have forgotten the traditional in-person conversation.
In conclusion, the mobile phone has taken communication to the next level but it has negatively impacted person to person communication.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Neha, opinion discussions in the opening statement is only acceptable in the direct question essay. Unfortunately, this essay that you wrote is not a direct question essay so the opening paragraph should have only been a presentation of the prompt overview / summary discussion along with the thesis restatement. The fact that the first paragraph does not represent a thesis statement already means that it will not get a passing score in the TA section.
The rest of the essay suffers tremendously in the C&C section because you are moving from various topics such as landline and mobile internet usage when the actual topic for discussion is only about the use of mobile phones. These change of topics are prompt deviations which will cause a total failing score for your presentation. You need to focus only on the topic that was given (mobile phone use advantage and disadvantage) during the discussion because adding information that is not required changes the tone of discussion. It leads to a failing essay.
All of your discussion points are not fully developed. These are only talking points and topic sentences. They are not fully developed discussions. If these were fully developed, you will be discussing only one topic per paragraph within the 3 paragraph allotment as I previously told you. You placed simple ideas, without appropriate explanations and examples into the paragraphs. It makes it confusing and hard to keep track of the discussion you are supposedly trying to present.
At this point, I will refrain from scoring your essay for obvious reasons. If you cannot learn to focus on the topic for discussion in all the paragraphs, if you cannot understand how the proper discussion must be created based on prompt instructions, then you do not stand a chance of passing the test.
