Using computers every day does more harm than good to the children

Using a computer everyday can have more negative than positive effects on children. Agree/Disagree?

It is true that in this temporary society, computers are no stranger to children. While I agree that computers have their own advantages, I believe that using computers every day does more harm than good to the children.

Firstly, staring at the computer on a daily basis affects children's health negatively. One of the most undeniable results of computers on a child's health is short-sightedness. The computer screens emit a particular green light which proved to be harmful to human's eyes in the long term. As a result, looking at the computer day by day could make our eyes tired and eventually leads to myopia. In addition, computers promote a sedentary lifestyle. Children who are absorbed in the virtual world have the tendency to stay at home most of the time. This trend increases the risk of hazardous illness such as heart attack and obesity since those computer addicts are lacking in physical exercises.

Secondly, children would gain access to the unwanted sources of information on the Internet. It is clear that the information updated on computer is unlimited; nevertheless, they are sometimes left unmonitored. Children could inadvertently reach the inappropriate contents related to violence and sexuality. Clearly, a child could take in information easily without filtering; therefore, these types of information would provoke violence among children by lingering images of killings. Take my brother as an example. When he was six, my parents allowed him to use the computer without restrictions. After a few months, he became rigorous towards people since he watched a great deal of violent videos on Youtube. We then became aware of the negative impacts of computers on children's mind.

In conclusion, even though computers might have some positive edges, I strongly believe that they are harmful to children in the main and that children should not be allowed to use computers too often.

There are two serious errors in this essay that will prevent it from achieving a 5 band score. The first error is that this is an extent essay, not a simple agree / disagree essay. The complete instruction for the discussion is:

To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

So the response is not "While I agree" but rather "I firmly agree with this statement because of my personal experience with using computers."

The essay contains researched information, not personal knowledge or experience. The reference to Myopia clearly indicates that you did not write this essay based on testing center situations. There is no research instrument available at the testing center. It would have been better if you had used only your personal experience to defend your stance.

For example, if you did not used to wear eyeglasses but after a few years or months of using the computer, you already had to wear glasses, then that is a good example from personal experience. Your TA score has to show that you are capable of following the discussion instructions. Your essay shows that you cannot follow discussion instructions because of the source of your information.

The main pronouns to be used in this discussion would be in the first to second person in reference to personal experience or reference to other people. Research specific information such as Myopia can clearly be seen and will lower your score accordingly.

The second paragraph is more in line with the discussion requirement of personal knowledge or experience. For this essay, the reasoning paragraphs should cover 2 different paragraph topics only:

- Personal experience
- observation of the effects on other people

Had you used your brother first then your personal experience second, the essay would have been more prompt responsive.

@Holt
I really appreciate your comments. However I want to say that I did not do research while writing this essay, it is my own knowledge. Can those information be a problem?

@Tran Ha Chi
Hi! I will recommend to change the structure, it has to be at least 4-5 paragraph:
1-INTRODUCTION ( where you are going to pick a side and why you pick that side)
2,3,4- REASONS ( Every paragraph is going to be a reason why you believe that#
5 CONCLUSION

@andreita89pp
thanks for your comments!