'visitors should make a basic effort to adapt their behaviour' - IELTS essay

I made 7 in the writing section on my first attempt to do IELTS but really need 8.
So any critique ist welcome.

Topic:
Some people believe that visitors to other countries should follow local customs and behaviour. Others disagree and think that the host country should welcome culture differences. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

It has been claimed that visitors should adher to locals customs while staying in a foreign country. Others argue that host countries can be expected to show some openness and tolerance towards visitors behaviour being different from local habits.

This essay will look at some of the arguments in favour and against visitors following local customs while staying abroad.

There are many reasons why visitors should try to behave like locals.
First of all visitors can easily avoid conflicts and express respect for locals and their cultural and religious feelings by behaving like them. Probably the most obvious examples are for tourists to avoid drinking alcohol, wearing revelling clothing and kissing in public if locals consider this behaviour inappropriate.

Nowadays globalisation and tourism already have heavily impacted local customs and traditions so differences between many countries have been evened out. It can be vital for the survival of local customs and traditions that visitors respect them and show some interest.

In addition visitors are more likely to gain insight into a host county and it's culture by following local customs. Even if they do not know the details culture their behaviour can show interest and locals are probably more welcoming towards visitors behaving sensible.

On the other hand I don't think visitors can or should follow local customs in any case.
With cultural difference often being subtle visitors might simply lack knowledge about the local customs. Certainly language barriers, lack of time or interest contribute to keeping visitors from having detailed knowledge of what is considered adequate behaviour. Furthermore if visitors try to imitate a local custom in a dilettantish way it can come across as respect less and inadequate.

Generally some aspect of local customs might clash with the visitors expectations of their stay or holidays in the host country. It is clear that not being able to wear a bikini in public will probably conflict with visitors coming to a country for a beach holiday.

Another point is a host country might profit significantly from tourists vesting and it is reasonable to expect some degree of tolerance and openness towards visitors from the local population.

In summary after considering both point of views i think visitors should make a basic effort to adapt their behaviour in a way that does not conflict with local customs in a foreign country to make their stay more enjoyable for themselves and locals. This might not always be possible or desirable for the visitors so there are times when visitors are better off to follow their own customs.

I'm sure this will help you; it's only a possible example for you though...

- Foreign visitors' should assimilate to local culture...
- Others argue that the accommodating cultures should accept unfamiliar visiting cultures and respect their...
- Avoid saying "this essay"... We shall explore - we will discuss...
- 'First off,' "but don't say that" - "Firstly,"
- "Don't say 'nowadays'," - "In the here and now", globalization...
- Following "its" local...
- By paying attention to the trends of local customs and blending into them as much as possible, local inhabitants will appreciate our efforts ...
- On the other hand, it is my opinion...
- Often differences in culture can be subtle, and needs attention to be noticed...
- There may be situations that arise when visitors try to blend in too much, possibly disrespecting...
- It is clear that with expectation to bare all at a beech...
- In conclusion...

Hi Katrin,

You are a very good writer and i feel you can get 8.
Here are some of my findings -

It has been claimed that visitors should adhere to locals customs...
First of all visitors can... should follow with a secondly. what you say ?

Punctuation is one area, you can look to improve your score.

few e.g. On the other hand, Another point is, ... In summary,

All the very best !!
Jay

Thanks for the comments, i really have to watch spelling and punctuation more.
Firstly was recommended in one of the learning books but really i have never seen it used anywhere before

Ah, Firstly is correct ...

So this timei tried a (single) opinion essay:

Topic:
Although modern life has brought with it improvements in people's standard of living, people are not generally happy with their lives.

In many countries modern life has improved people's standard of living, but people seem nevertheless generally not more happy with their lives. This can be regarded as a surprise with the level of prosperity at a historic high. We will show that improvements in people's living conditions do not necessary advance people's overall feeling of happiness as other factors might play an important role.

To begin happiness is hard to define as different people may have very different concepts of happiness, but directly correlating standard of living with happiness is likely oversimplifying their relationship. While good life conditions certainly contribute to happiness, people in poor countries frequently express a surprisingly high levels of happiness in opinion polls. For some people fulfilling work and social relationships probably add more to happiness than being able to afford luxury goods.

Furthermore people might not even compare their current standard of living to the standard of the past. Instead they are more likely to see how they are holding up with their neighbours or community. So in their perception their standard of living might not even seem very high relative to their peers. In additional in countries with high standard of living an increase might not make a major difference to the individuals standard of living.

Also economic advancement comes with some side effects for the entire society and individuals. While it improves prosperity it can hurt other social requirements and needs. There might be more traffic and pollution. Individuals may face higher pressure as well as greater complexity in the work place and find less time to spent with families and friends.

Happiness is humankind's never-ending quest and improving standard of living is probably not the only or even the central key to it. Economists are already looking for a more suitable way of measuring happiness than wealth. It remains to hope that people and societies in the future focus less on economic advancement but on more sustainable ways to reach happiness.

Some people recommend students to travel the world for a year before starting university. Others argue a "gap year" is a waste of time and money. I will look at some of the advantages and disadvantages of spending a gap year traveling after school.

There are valid concerns whether the time and money for a gap year are well spend. Probably the most serious problem about a gap year is it's impact on future academic performance: young people taking a gap year may fall behind their peers or lose the motivation to study altogether. Moreover, school leavers are generally likely to end up with unskilled jobs abroad that barely cover their expenses; especially if they don't have advanced knowledge of the foreign language used in a country. Therefore, the work experience gained may not be very relevant to a person's career later and the work might not offer a lot of opportunity to practice a foreign language. From a more practical point of view it is also worth considering that not everyone feels comfortable living in a camper van, tent or hostel for months.

On the other hand a gap year can help a young person to gain some life and work experience prior to starting university, as well as develop as a person. For a young person traveling provides an opportunity to broaden their horizon and learn about different countries and cultures. Spending some time in a country while working also makes for a less superficial encounter than only being there as a tourist. Besides, travelers can gain work experience and potentially improve their foreign language skills. This experience can be an important advantage in a more international oriented economy.

In conclusion, i think time is a valuable resource at any age. There are a number of good alternatives to taking a gap year immediately after school: studying abroad, interning or working in a foreign country once you have completed studies. These alternatives later in a person's career might be a more focused approach that offers better work opportunities, and ultimately, may proof a better experience than a gap year.