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Women who worked in parliament - IELTS _Writing Task 1_Line Chart


my123456 1 / 3  
Mar 27, 2020   #1

Female members of parliament



The line graph illustrates the proportion of women who worked in parliament in 5 different countries over a 12 year-period.
Overall, it is clear that the figure for ladies of UK in most years was lowest. However, the throughout the period shown, the percentage of female members increased in all 5 nations.

In 2000, over 33% women of Germany worked in congress that was highest. The Women figures for France and UK and were similar in 2000, around 25%, respectively, whereas the figure for Belgium was lower than 3 countries , about 20%. Although the strongest increase, the percentage of women in parliament in the UK were still lowest from under 5% in 200 to 20% in 2008.

Between 2008 and 2012, Italy's rate grew more than Germany and reached the highest point about 40% in 2012. Female members in Belgium decreased slowly and equaled the UK in 2012, around 22%. In France, the proportion of women saw a gradual rise during the 12 years, reaching a final figure of just over 30% in 2012.



SillyFox 1 / 3  
Mar 27, 2020   #2
I think that you should pay more attention to minor grammar errors, and some of the words you use made it a little bit unclear. I would not mind helping you with pointing out the errors so if you want my help please tell me so that I can help you with the problems that I previously mentioned.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,397 4385  
Mar 27, 2020   #3
You do not have a complete summary overview. The summary overview should include:
- The type of graph (provided)
- Type of measurement used (not provided)
- Names of the 5 countries (not provided)
- Time frame (incorrectly provided)
- Trending reference

Your topic summary is not a true paraphrase of the original. You still have too many of the original keywords included in your version so it would be considered a cut and paste rather than an original writing. Here's one way of presenting the summary overview:

A line graph is provided that measures the number of female parliamentary members in 5 countries. The represented countries are: Germany, Italy, France, UK. and Belgium. The percentage of women representatives were measured over a 12 year period from the year 2000 up to 2012. Based on the provided numerical percentage data, it appears that there was an increasing trend among the lady parliamentarians.

With 175 words written, you have actually written enough words to have your essay considered for the higher scoring brackets for all 4 scoring considerations. However, the existing problems of the essay will definitely affect the final score you will receive. Let me show you some of the problems I spotted in your essay.

There is a spelling error in your presentation for the word equaled. The correct spelling is equalled. You also capitalized words that are not proper nouns such as "Women" in the presentation. Several other errors exist in your presentation but these do not impede the understanding of your writing by the reader. Your sentence rely too much on commas for discussion separation. Learn to use other punctuation marks instead. Use anything from a semicolon to a period throughout the sentences per paragraph to help boost your GRA score. Remember you are also scored on your ability to use a mix of complex and simple sentences, with additional punctuation marks. So don't just rely on the comma and period to create your sentences and represent your thoughts. Use other punctuation marks as well.

@my123456 please do not pay attention to SillyFox. That user has been reprimanded for power tripping on the forum. No forum user should have to beg for help. It is freely given here provided the members follow all forum regulations at all times. No member is required to beg for help from anybody here. After all, aside from the contributors, all of you are still English language learners, not a single one of the users here will be better than the other. Users of the forum are expected to help one another, without question or pause. It is just the right thing to do between learners.
OP my123456 1 / 3  
Mar 29, 2020   #4
@Holt
Thank you for correcting my essay! i appreciate your help. I will try to improve following your advice.
miatran239 1 / 6  
Mar 30, 2020   #5
Hi there! To my knowledge, if you want to higher your band score in IELTS writing task 1, you must report the trend of each categories in the body if the graph include timestamps. Moreover, to help you create longer sentences, please watch this from Mr. Simon, a former IELTS examiner, whose video I feel really helpful in building long sentences for task 1. Check it out! youtube.com/watch?v=Saoxfh03Tqs
OP my123456 1 / 3  
Apr 1, 2020   #6
@miatran239
Thank you so much!
Thangnguyen315 8 / 24  
Apr 2, 2020   #7
I think beside some minor grammar mistakes, you should also take the word choice in to consideration. For example, the "women figure", the figure itself actually has no sex! And also the" strongest increase", which can be replaced to other better phrases, such as " the most considerable increase", "the most rapid increase", or just " rise to", I supposed.
nabilah_hannan 4 / 8 2  
Apr 8, 2020   #8
You should give the detail about the time frame such as "from 2000 to 2012" or "between 2000 and 2012". For the trend, I think you should divide them based on the increase that occurred. So the body 1 is about which countries have the big rise and the body 2 is about countries which have the slight rise


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