IELTS: Working/Traveling between finishing school and starting university?

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing school and starting university studies. Discuss advantages and disadvantages.

Students always enjoy some leisure time at the end of their high school and before entering university. It is interesting to notice that young people are often encouraged to work or travel during this specific period of time which leads to some benefits and drawbacks as well.

Firstly, working at young age introduces young them with the real world. It brings ideas and knowledge about how to communicate effectively with people. They get the opportunity to start earning money. In spite of all these features part time jobs sometimes may be found cruel to them. Working hard often might be a reason for mental depression which could ruin young people's creativity and potentiality. Addiction of money often pursue them to drop out from their study.

Secondly, travelling is one of the good form of learning. The more you visit different place the more you discover the world. Travelling to natural sites like sea, mountain or countryside will enrich young peoples' mind. All the narrowness, selfishness can be swept away by observing natural generosity. Travelling to different places also give you chance of being familiar with different culture or climate. Despite these facts, for lack of maturity in early age, travelling to new place sometimes may create problems to them. Handling money, dealing with strangers often makes negative impact on their fresh minds.

In conclusion, working or travelling at the leisure time for young people should always be appreciated. Only some precautionary actions needed to be maintained to get rid of all miserable drawbacks.

Your any recommendation on writing (Grammar, vocabulary, Ideas/pattern) will be highly appreciated.

They get the opportunity to start earning money. In spite of all these features part time jobs sometimes may be found cruel to them.
-> They get the opportunity to start earning money, in spite of all these features part time jobs sometimes may be found cruel to them.

enrich young peoples' mind
-> enrich young minds

I think you should use more conjunctive adverbs: In addition, Moreover, However...

when you want to write advantages and disadvantages type of essay, you may put a contrast signal between advantages and disadvantages paragraph, because they are contrast,so it will be better rather than you use sequences

So, After introduction the first paragraph should contain advantages and second paragraph is for disadvantages before conclusion. I got it.
Thank you.

yup,,,you may use these signals (on the other hand, however, in contrast, etc ) in the beginning of the paragraph before conclusion or the paragraph which contains contrast explanation to the one before

Great job..
i just wanna fix a little bit

"ow to communicate effectively with people" -> "effective communication"
"They get the opportunity to start earning money. In spite of all these features part time jobs sometimes may be found cruel to them." : should be "opportunites" and change (.) by a comma.

"Secondly, travelling is one of the good form of learning" : you missed "s" at the end of "form"
"young peoples' mind" -> "immature minds"
"Travelling to different places also give you chance of being familiar with different culture or climate" : you missed "s" at the end of "culture" and "climate"

Be careful with "s" at countable nouns ;)

Thank you. I also realize that I've trouble with use of "S". I need to focus here.

May be there are some students who do not enjoy any leisure and look forward to completing their studies. This is actually the issue in this essay and therefore it is important that you stay with your topic.

Firstly, working at young age introduces youngthemwith the real world to the young people.
You write well... I like if you included more specific examples to support your reasons.