Working as volunteers should be taken into consideration for children - WRITING TASK 2

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children).

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Today's issue is taking a part in community service as volunteers. Obviously, this concern is proliferating and gaining fame among secondary school students. However, the impact of this activity has come under scrutiny and has been concern for many people. While it is unacceptable since this activity will disturb their time to study, it is argued that through community service, learners will improve their social aptitude and prepare them to obtain interesting job through developing team building skill.

What is required for high school learners to evolve their social skill is participating in unpaid community service. With this concern, this activity can give the students a taste of discussing with another member to sharpen their skill. William James Halley Park, an educational expert, argued that unpaid community service should be a mandatory sphere in secondary school. This result was that students will boost their confidence to interact with other people, with having bravery to speak up in the public. All in all, it is argued that such this activity is pivotal factor to burgeon their self-development.

Inevitably, headhunter will take experience regarding volunteers in unpaid community service into account to hire potential skilled employees. The reason is perfectly plain that the experience had the potential workers will give the company the edge. A 2015 Conventry University study revealed that people who participated in such community service would have valuable work in comparison with them who did not take a part in this activity. In consequence, this activity had advantages over the learners engaging in this project. Hence, it is clear for the purpose of getting suitable job, working as volunteer in unpaid community service is an enormously crucial instrument.

In conclusion, I do really believe that this activity will give the merits to high school students. In any case, this activity can sharpen their aptitude to communication with each other and gaining better job. Where possible, this activity should be a mandatory subject in the school.

Hi,

The question is specifically asking whether you agree or disagree with the idea of "unpaid community service being a compulsory part of high school programs". I don't think it's necessary to use "William James Halley Park's comments". Because those, agreeing or disagreeing, are not your opinions. Try to state your own ideas.

The main tone of your essay seems to be "does unpaid community service have benefits or not" whereas the question's main focus is on the " being compulsory or not".

If you will conclude your essay with "agreeing", then you should stick to the "agreeing" ideas from the beginning to the end instead of comparing both in such a short essay.

I hope these suggestions were helpful.

Para 1:
1- issue is about taking a part in
2- been a concern for many people.

Change of structure of last part of para . Try this:
" while it will inconvenience students by disturbing their study schedule, it will improve their social aptitude and provide them with co-operation skills necessary for a respectable job. "

Para 2:
1- Respectively in place of 'With this concern'
2-
This result was that students will boost their confidence by interacting with other people, withhavingutilizingbravery to speak-up in the public. All in all, it is argued that such this activity is pivotal factor in burgeoning their self-development.

Obviously, this concern is proliferating and gaining fame ...
... is pivotal factor to burgeon their self-development.
... interact with other people, with having bravery to speak up in the public
Inevitably, headhunter will take experience regarding ...

I think I'm seeing a misuse of thesauruses here. Sometimes you don't need to find different, fancy words like "headhunters" to replace "employers", since it can be inappropriate. Instead, try to find alternatives for "concern", "skills", or "community service".