Write a letter to this person for an English lesson [ielts writing]

Subject:
You are working in an English speaking country. Recently, you have learned that a person who lives near your home can offer English lessons. Write a letter to this person. In this letter,

1. Tell him/her how you got to know about the lesson
2. Explain why you are interested in this lesson
3. Say when and where you want to have the lesson

My essay:
Dear Mr. Ivan,
My name is Terry. I live in your neighborhood since I have move into this area last year. I have heard from website that you are offering some English lessons for non-English speakers. So I'm just writing this letter to see if I can have the chance to learn English with you. At present, I'm a graduate student of U of A. As you can see, there is a high level requirement for the graduate study in Canada. We are required not only to understand the contents mentioned in the class but also to complete the assignments after it. Furthermore, we also need to take a defence of Master's degree by the end of graduate study. Thus, it is significant for me to improve my English skills, especially for the speaking language and writing language. As matter of fact, I have a part-time job in West Edmonton Mall recently. I wonder whether I can take your language course on Monday and Thursday afternoon, since I will be free at that time. Furthermore, I hope your course is hold not far from our area. That will be convenient for me.

Finally, thank you for your kindness and your prompt attention to this letter would be highly appreciated.

With my best regards!

Your neighbor Terry

You are doing quite well with your English skills. I have suggested a few changes to help you and provided some examples so you can improve your writing.

When you address the person you have to change your verb to the past tense. You can rearrange the sentence and state: "I moved into the neighborhood last year".

Change the meaning of the next sentence to show that you looked at a website. "I looked at a website and saw you were..." I'm not sure why U of A is separated. Is it really UA? I would suggest that you spell the name of the university and avoid using an abbreviation. Delete as you can see and start the next sentence with, "There". Place a comma after but and also when you describe completing assignments. I'm not sure what you are trying to describe when you discuss the master's degree. Were you trying to spell the word defense?

You can combine English and speaking. Ex:...in speaking and writing the language. If you want to describe how you were recently employed at a location, you should state that in the beginning of the sentence. Ex: Recently, I was hired part-time at the Gap in Mall of America. You have to change your punctuation in this next sentence because you are asking a question. Ex: Would it be convenient for you to have my cooking lesson scheduled for Monday? You can use this question as an example to revise your own question.

The next sentence you should change hold to held. In the following sentence change will to would.

Your letter is well written, but needs some attention. You should break up the one long intro ,into three or four paragraphs. This will focus the reader on one subject at a time, and lead logically to the conclusion.

At present...

This should be the start of paragraph two. You can talk about your circumstances. Then you can talk about your accomplishments:

thus it is significant to improve my English skills...

Do a third paragraph on why youneed lessons, in English.

I think you make your point well, but need some format changes!

Then in the fourth paragraph you could mention your job, and in the fifth wrap it up and conclude.

Be organized, but otherwise you did answer the questions. You have included all the pertinent facts.

Good luck!

ef_carol