Write a report for a university lecturer about the information on popularity of two new music sites

Hi everyone on the Essay forum =)
I am currently working on receiving band 6 on my IELTS exam on the 13th of August, which was in next Saturday
This is my second attempt on IETLS exam, I have receive band 5.5 on the 16th of July, and what I need is extra 0.5
Hope everyone can give me advice and checking my essay for me !
Thank you =)

Title: The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on the web.
Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

The following diagram illustrates the comparison of visitors in 2 new forming musical website on the internet during the fifteen days period of time.

The site "Pop Parade" receive approximately 120000 visitors on the first day, and remain steady on the number of visit in the 2nd and 3rd day.It start decreased after the 3rd day and by the 5th day it dropped to 60000 which was the half number of the visitors in the first day, and it reached the valleys on the 7th day. On the 9th day, the number of visit increased dramatically, it reached 150000 visitors in 11th day and went down again after that. In the 15th day, it reach peak of the number of visit on 170000 visitors.

For the site "Music Choice" receive 40000 visitors in the first day, but it showed decreased on the 2nd and 3rd day, since the 4th day it have remain plateau till the 11th day. It went up dramatically after the 11th day and reached 120000 visitors on the 12th day, but it end up with the 70000 visitors on the 15th day.Overall, the site "Pop Parade" have more popularity than the site "Music Choice".

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Hi Ximon, welcome to EF! :)

I am glad that so many people are getting attracted to register and post their essays here. So, I think that you are one of the people who is interested in practicing IELTS in this remarkable place. However, I hope that my feedback would not be too late in giving you additional insights on how to reach band 6 in IELTS writing.

Actually, there are four essential criteria that MUST be fulfilled if you want to reach band 6 in IELTS writing task 1. Thus, I would like to mention them here and give you some additional explanation to help you understand the prompt means.

Task Achievement:
- In this part, you need to "present an overview with information appropriately selected" if you want to reach band 6. It is unfortunate that you mention it in the last sentence of your last paragraph. Your overview is also unclear, too general I suppose. Try to come up with additional information such as main trends, differences, or stages.

Coherence and Cohesion:
- Overview is also related to "clear overall progression". Instead of improving your band score to 6, clear overall progression helps you to link the ideas and information between sentences and paragraphs. Cohesive devices are also needed, but remember avoid making too many of them. Over-using cohesive devices is the criteria of band 5.

Lexical Resource:
- Less common vocabulary usage is really suggested if you want to reach band 6 or above. You need to avoid making repetitive words, especially when it comes to comparison ("reached" are mentioned 3 times in your essay). Many IELTS candidates are failed because of limited range of vocabulary. Try to be more creative.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy is also one of the four essential criteria. This part can be improved by having lots of practices and proofread your or other members' essays several times. Having peer-review in this forum will increase your grammatical range and accuracy.

That's it Ximon, I hope my feedback is really meaningful towards your IELTS writing skill. I hope that in the real test you are going to achieve your desirable score. Good luck :)