TOEFL Writing: whether young adults should be indepent from the family

Hi, Everyone.
This is my writing practice for the TOEFL exam. I will greatly appreciate your help if you could help me correct my mistakes in the article.

TOEFL writing questions:
Some adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better?

young adults bind to their parents

Currently, there is a widely observed phenomenon that some young adults choose to live with their families for a longer time. However, in my opinion, young adults should seek independence from their families as soon as possible.

First of all, being independent as early as possible can equip young adults with the ability to survive in the world. The world is becoming more and more competitive so that one cannot totally rely on his family because he will work and live independently sooner or later. The ability to survive in the world is an essential as a working man. The example of my cousin, Tom can buttress this point. He rented an apartment to live off campus and constantly sought for high paid jobs since entering college at the age of eighteen. He completely lived on his feet and never asked a penny from his family. After graduation, he was really good at dealing with all kinds of affairs, no matter how big or small. His independence from the family enables him a capacity that other young adults may not have.

Furthermore, living with the family for too long can add burden to the family. Parents ought to not guarantee their children a high level of living standards when they become adults. Staying in the family for too long can bring conflicts to the family, Let's suppose a hypothetical situation that one child stays at home with nothing to do but playing computer games all day long. His parents will be very annoyed at him because the family has to feed him while he makes no contribution to the family. It is unfair for other family members who work hard to support the family. This added burden is a disadvantage of living with the family for a long period.

In conclusion, young adults should get independence from their parents as soon as possible so that they can learn how to survive in the world and avoid adding burden to the family, which is not only good for the development of the individual but also beneficial to the family.

Wang, try to develop at least 3 sentences per paragraph in your essay. For this essay, I would like to specifically call your attention to your opening statement that does not have this required number of sentences. The reason you need to write at least 3 sentences is because you need to properly paraphrase the prompt, the instructions, and state your opinion in the opening salvo of the paper. You were supposed to present both sides of the discussion as individual sentences in order to meet this requirement. So this should have read as:

There are two types of adults in this world. The first kind, are the adults who want to live independently of their parents as soon as they are capable of doing so. The other, represents the young adults who wish to live with their family longer. In this essay, I will discuss which of the two types of situations would be better for an adult such as I.

In my opinion, it would be best if adults lived independently of their parents as soon as possible. That is because...

Since this is an opinion paper, you need to present at least 2 paragraphs that support your opinion, 3 would be best. In any case, your information should only be supportive of your personal opinion because you were asked to make a choice between two options. This is therefore an opinion essay, not a compare and contrast essay.

Your conclusion is faulty because it continues the discussion of facts for the essay instead of simply ending the discussion with a recap of the previous discussion within 3 sentences. That is all that is required of the TOEFL conclusion paragraph.