Hi Every one~ I am writing an essay about my achievements for an university admission.
Please check it and see if there is any Thing that needs adjustment, and if I can change some phrases to make it better...
The accomplishments that are made by a person from the beginning of his life, determines his future. In the day of my birth, my grandmother who passed away 2 years ago said that I will be a magnificent person in the future. when I was three years old I saw two men from our balcony stealing from a shop down the street. I ran immediately to the police men and told them what I saw, they didn't hesitate after seeing my serious expressions and caught the robbers fast. The shopkeeper and the policemen were extremely grateful and thanked me for such a heroic act. This made my family very proud of me.
After two years I moved to United Kingdom, a completely new place and experience for me. First, I learnt a whole new language rapidly. My passion to learn amused all my teachers, this was a big achievement for me. I was studying seven days a week, from Monday to Friday in a British school and from Saturday to Sunday at a Libyan school. I doubled my effort to gain high scores in each school. I joined reading and art clubs, took a main role in big vaudevilles.
Sport is an important part of my life, being a member at the schools swimming team and the coach's assistant also the top runner, I managed to achieve the first medal in a general sports competition. Furthermore, I participated in many activities including raising money for charity, and street cleaning campaigns.
In the Revolution period, my life was in great danger. On 14th of June a rocket stork my uncle's house while we were sleeping, two of my cousins passed away immediately and I got injured by a shrapnel. Losing my beloved ones is definitely the hardest moment I had faced . However, I never stopped from achieving my goals.
I volunteered at hospitals, also I was an Editorship at an English daily Newspaper. I wrote many articles that had an excellent feedback. As a Journalist I had a chance to meet and work with outstanding people from UN, Toronto star Newspaper, Chosun Newspaper, NBC Network and many more. This opportunity unleashed my abilities and made me achieve important thing towards my dream.
First, I learnt learned a whole new language rapidly
andriannette
Thank you...Is there anything else
I doubled my effort to gain high scores in each school.
I worked really hard to maintain high grades.two of my cousins passed away immediately
two of my cousins succumbed to death on the spot.Losing my beloved ones is definitely the hardest moment I had faced . However, I never stopped from achieving my goals.
Loosing loved ones with whom I shared most part of life was the most painful experience in my life. However, I did not let that keep me away from reaching my goal.Thank you Dumi,
Please is there anything that I can add to make it better...
Am waiting your response.
The accomplishments that are made by a person from the beginning of his life, determines his future.
... I really cannot figure out what you try to mean by the highlighted part.... Is that "hardworking" you mean... Can you give me an example to understand this idea?
InOn the day of my birth, my grandmother who passed away 2 years ago said that I will be a magnificentprominent person in the future.
On the day of my birth, my grandmother had said that I would make a mark on this world. ... I removed some parts(her death) as I find them irrelevant to your essay.
when I was three years old I saw two men from our balcony stealing from a shop down the street.
... hey... three years seem too small to perform such action :D... Add at least another ten years to make it more conceivable :D
Proving her prediction about my character, at the age of ????? I became instrumental in catching two thieves; I caught the sight of these men stealing from a shop down the street while I was walking in our balcony. I quickly ran to the police station which was in vicinity and informed about these two thieves and the police caught them.Thank you Dumi your such a helpful person,
By the first sentence I mean: The amount of achievements and hard work the person makes from the beginning of his life, shapes his future and make him what he is.
I really don't remember the exact age :D but it was five or less because when i was 6 I moved to UK....thank you for your notice it is very helpful
I added some words to the paragraph below, do you think it's appropriate:
I volunteered in hospitals to help sick and injured people, I became fascinated by this humanitarian job which made me study medicine and succeed in it, also I was an Editorship at an English daily Newspaper. I wrote many articles that had an excellent feedback. As a Journalist I had a chance to meet and work with outstanding people from UN, Toronto star Newspaper, Chosun Newspaper, NBC Network and many more.
All the people who meet me were amazed by my abilities and strong will. For example, Toronto star and Chosun Newspaper wrote articles about me in these Links xxxxxxxx
By the first sentence I mean: The amount of achievements and hard work the person makes from the beginning of his life, shapes his future and make him what he is.
Okkkkkkkkkkkk... this is my suggestion for that;
Achievements of one's early life, contribute positively for his personal growth and lay the foundation for the success of his future.After two years I moved to United Kingdom, a completely new place and experience for me.
When I was six, we moved to UK, a totally new and different world for me.First, I learnt a whole new language rapidly.
....
The first challenge was to learn English language.My passion to learn amused all my teachers, this was a big achievement for me. I was studying seven days a week, from Monday to Friday in a British school and from Saturday to Sunday at a Libyan school.
It was not easy as my English knowledge at that time was almost zero, but I quickly developed a great passion for learning this beautiful language. My teachers were amused at my speedy improvement and appreciated my hard work. I attended school almost everyday of the week; From Monday to Friday, the British school and the Libiyan school during the weekend.dumi
You are great!!
What do you think of the sentences that i have newly added...
Can we stay in contact_Because I think you are a helpful person and a great moderator!!
Regards
This essay seems a bit unorganized and all over the place, you go from a robbery to school to the Revolution period without any good transitions. It doesn't flow smoothly. It reads more like you're listing everything on your resume, giving a laundry list of your accomplishments. In my opinion I would focus one one or two really big accomplishments that had a big impact on your life. You can still mention multiple ones but instead of going through a large list of accomplishments focus on specific ones and really go into depth and show your personality. Hope I helped and wasn't too critical.
No, not at all
Thank you for your criticism^_
I will try to fix it and then post it.
I hope that u check it out after my adjustments...
In the day of my birth, my grandmother who passed away 2 years ago said that I will be a magnificent person in the future.
On the day of my birth, my grandmother, who passed away two years ago, had predicted that i will be a magnificent person in the future.I ran immediately to the police men and told them what I saw, they didn't hesitate after seeing my serious expressions and caught the robbers fast.
I was quick to alert the police and seeing my expression they did not hesitate to think twice. The robbers were caught quite easily.After two years I moved to United Kingdom, a completely new place and experience for me.
Two years after my heroics, I moved to the United Kingdom. It was a completely different environment from what I have experienced so far.You seemed to have done a lot in your life so far. I am sorry to hear about your cousins. :(
As for your essay it seems to be a good one. Maybe you need to work on your presentation a little bit.
Pahan
I am really thankful for your help...
I'll try to Gather info and Adjust the essay!
I added some words to the paragraph below, do you think it's appropriate:
I volunteered in hospitals to help sick and injured people, I became fascinated by this humanitarian job which made me study medicine and succeed in it , also I was an Editorship at an English daily Newspaper. I wrote many articles that had an excellent feedback. As a Journalist I had a chance to meet and work with outstanding people from UN, Toronto star Newspaper, Chosun Newspaper, NBC Network and many more.
All the people who meet me were amazed by my abilities and strong will. For example, Toronto star and Chosun Newspaper wrote articles about me in these Links xxxxxxxx
I volunteered in xxxxxx hospital (tell them the exact hospital, otherwise it sounds vague) and that was the advent of my strong passion for studying medicine. Also I joined the NNNNN (Give the name of the newspaper) newspaper where I contributed as one of the editors. The positive feed backs I received for my articles encouraged me to think seriously as a journalist and this activity gave me the opportunities of meeting and working with many interesting and outstanding people from UN, Toronto Star Newspaper, Chosun ....Can we stay in contact_Because I think you are a helpful person and a great moderator!!
Sure... if you give me your e-mail address, I shall drop you a mail :)
dumi
Great!!
My email is somaaprince@gmail.com
It Would be extremely helpful if you could see my other essay...
You deserve the most likes in this forum^_^