I am writing a 1500 word persuasive essay against capital punishment for my Law class and I decided to start with the story of Kirk Bloodsworth (an innocent individual that was sentenced to death), but i don't feel like it is very effective. Below is a rough draft of my introduction, please provide any feedback that would improve its effectiveness. The title i have chosen for my essay is "The System That Buries it's Worst Mistakes", is this a good title for this topic?
Any assistance is greatly appreciated!
Thanks!
Introduction:
On Augest 9th 1984 at 2:45am Kirk Noble Bloodsword, an honorably discharged US Marine with no criminal record was arrested and charged for the gruesome murder and rape of 9 year old Dawn Hamilton. Bloodsworth was found guilty due to 5 eye witnesses and was sentenced to death. There was just one problem: the defendant, Kirk Bloodsworth was innocent of the crime and wrongful convicted.
Due to many cases in which individuals are wrongfully convicted, the enormous expense of prosecution, and not effectively deterring criminals, the capital punishment should not be reintroduced into Canada.
On AugestAugust 9th 1984 at 2:45am Kirk Noble Bloodsword, an honorably discharged US Marine with no criminal record was arrested and charged for the gruesome murder and rape of 9 year old Dawn Hamilton. Bloodsworth was found guilty due to 5 eye witnesses and was sentenced to death. There was just one problem: the defendant, Kirk Bloodsworth was innocent of the crime and wrongfully convicted.
Due to many cases in which individuals are wrongfully convicted, the enormous expense of prosecution, and not effectivelythe ineffective deterring of criminals, the capital punishment should not be reintroduced in to Canada.
I think this is okay, it certainly draws the reader in because of its emotional factor. I'm assuming the government never recognized their mistake/apologized to the family of Bloodsword? If not, maybe you could mention it? The titles a bit awkward, how about, "The system that buries its mistakes"? I hope I helped :0
Thank you very much for reading over my introduction!
Corrected and expanded introduction:
On August 9th 1894 at 2:45 am Kirk Noble Bloodsworth, an honorably discharged US Marine with no criminal record was arrested and charged for the gruesome murder and rape of 9 year old Dark Hamilton. Bloodsworth was found guilty due to 5 eyewitness testimonies and was sentenced to death. There was just one problem: the defendant, Kirk Bloodsworth was innocent of the crime and wrongfully convicted. Due to many cases in which individuals are wrongfully convicted, the enormous expense of prosecution, and the ineffective deterring of criminals, capital punishment should not be reintroduced to Canada. Innocent individuals can be wrongfully convicted based upon mistaken eyewitness identities, false accusations and government misconduct. These mistakes are caused by the attempt to speed up the conviction process, due to the costs involved in continuing the case. The expense involved in maintaining a capital punishment case is very high because of it's longevity, and amount of resources required. As a result of each capital case taking an average of 15-20 years before a criminal's execution, it fails to serve as an effective deterrent against new criminals because they would not remember the crime that the executed criminal committed two decades ago.
I'm sure there are many errors in this paragraph, hopefully someone can help me improve it!
Thank you!
the start of my
First Paragraph:
In the USA there have been over 140 innocent people exonerated since 1973 (Innocence: list of those freed from death row), many of which had already served over ten years in the harshest of prisons. Most commonly, wrongful convictions are a result of mistaken eyewitness identification .This occurs when an eyewitness is either unable to see due to poor weather or light conditions, or unable to properly memorize and recite the appearance of the individual or the event that took place. (Green).
I would really appreciate it if someone could revise these paragraphs, my essay is due in a couple days.
Thanks
Bloodsworth was found guilty due to 5 eyewitness testimonies and was sentenced to death.
You could do: The courts (Specific court?) found Bloodsworth guilty due to five eyewitness testimonies, and sentenced him to death.
These mistakes are
caused by the an attempt to speed up the conviction process, due to the costs involved in continuing the case.
Otherwise sounds pretty good!
Thanks for your feedback!
