From Kyrgyzstan to Oxford

Dear All,

could you please help. What should I start from??

Thank you

What are their admission requirements?
Why do you want to go there?
what can you offer the school?
what can the school offer you?
What are you skills, assets, experiences that can help you become a student at this university?

Yes, let's see some effort first, and we will help! I want to be a grad student at Oxford, too, but a ten-second effort won't suffice!

I hope we can help! Let's see what kind of essay you need to write...

:)

Thank you All for your quick response:):)

Right now I am very busy, but trying to do my best.

Could you advise me where to apply for MBA. I am third year student at Kyrgyz Economical University.

I will go through all your questions and find out everything I can.

Thank you :)

Here's the link: ox.ac.uk/admissions/postgraduate_courses/index.html

Once you know what your application needs, you can start creating drafts for things such as your statement of purpose, and post them here for more detailed feedback.

here is my Essay for Oxford. Could you please help me to make it better!!

Thank you very much in advance!! :)

Change Lives, Change Organizations, Change the World!
Is this (above) the title? If so, I think you should come up with something just as enthusiastic but perhaps more specific!

"If you can't fly, then run. If you can't run, then walk. If you can't walk, then crawl. But whatever you do, keep moving." -- Martin Luther King, Jr .

Leading people is my talent. While studying at a school I dedicated my lifetime to our student organization "Moving Forward", editing our monthly student newspaper and building its website.

I was the president of my class at the High School. Together with peers we organized ...

In the summer 2008 I was published in the Washington Post by Steve Hendrix working as a lifeguard in the USA.

This program will help me to succeed in Europe and earn a degree diploma so that I can work at the World Bank. Working there will let me involve investors, grants, projects and businesses in Kyrgyz Republic. I am planning to become specialist of Kyrgyz Republic at the World Bank. It is great opportunity to contribute in my native country.

"There may be times when you cannot find help, but there is no time when you cannot give help." George Morriam.

Hey, this is great; if I was the admissions person reading this, I would be excited to accept you.

Dear Kevin,

you really inspired me. Thank you very much!! I start believe in myself.

BEst regards!! :)

Dear Friends!!!!!!

I have already done my essay!!! Could you please help me with it, make it stronger so that I will do MBA at the University of Oxford

THANK YOU VERY MUCHHH ;)

Hmmm... Normally, we have to encourage students to more strongly sing their own praises but I find myself in the strange position of counseling greater modesty.

I know that Kyrgyzstan is in sore need of political reform. I suspect that Oxford will be eager to be part of the process by helping to educate an emerging leader such as you. But for your claims to be credible, you must show that you understand that's what you are: an emerging leader, someone who hopes to start a new party and one day gain the presidency, someone with many of the skills and characteristics necessary for such an achievement, but not yet someone who has done more than win student-level awards and elections.

So, my chief piece of advice to you is to show that, along with charisma, intelligence, dedication and ambition, you have the other essential characteristics of true leaders, including willingness to share credit and awareness of your own limitations. Otherwise, you run the risk of sounding like the egomaniacal politicians who have ruined more than a few countries, coming in as reformers but then doing nothing but aggregating power and glory for themselves.

You sound like an amazing and enthusiastic person, but I agree with Simone here. This essay could benefit from being toned down a tad. I think that you need to focus on a few strengths that are relevant to the program instead of submitting the grandiose essay you have now.

Let's see . . . you were:
President of your class at school
You are a television star
You won the physics olympics
You've been a newspaper editor (and are a published author in a US newspaper)
You implemented a Constitution for your school
You work closely with the US embassy
You have won an academic award for an essay
You've won an award for you singing
And another in swimming

With a list like this, people might start to wonder just how small Kyrgyzstan is. Are you really that talented in so many areas or just a big fish in a small pond . . . Eliminate the ones that aren't important to your field. Unless you are being offered a swimming scholarship or plan to study performing arts, I would drop the bits about aquatics and singing.

Temper your language as well. When you say you worked closely with the US Embassy, some people might have a different idea of what "closely" means. Either substantiate an example of drop the word "closely."

You have some pretty lofty goals and plans. You would be best to temper the language here as well. Even Obama talked about "hope" before he was elected. As he was campaigning, Obama was still talking about hope. You can state your goals, but your word choice comes across as too strong and cocky for a kid still in school.

I won't go into any of the grammar at this point as I feel there is still some rewriting to do.

It's not just a matter of tone, though Simone and Notoman are quite right when they say the essay should be revised to be more modest. You also need to focus on being more realistic and detailed. You say that


Different from what? You go on to promise improved education, infrastructure, and individual liberties. No political party's ever promised those things before (and here I regret that text cannot be infused with the level of sarcasm that verbal communication can). I imagine that even the ruling party of Kyrgyzstan at least pays lip service to those ideas.

And how, exactly do you plan to raise money and organize such a party, if it hasn't already been done? How will you overcome the obstacles that hold people back now? And even if you create a new party, and manage to win power peacefully, how are you going to make everyone equal over night? What do you even understand by "equality?" So, you need to work on being more thoughtful as well as more modest.

DEAR FRIENDS,!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you VERY MUCH for all your help and support!!

I made some changes to my previous essay, could you please check it out.

I would be happy to hear from you soon!!!!!!

Your essay is improving, but you still seem to cover too much. You start out by saying you hope one day to be president, then go on to talk about being on a game show, to playing on a basketball team, to the publishing of an economic report, to your desire to work with the world bank, and then back to hoping to be president again. Perhaps you could rework the essay to focus more on your desire to gain business knowledge so that you are better positioned to find ways to help improve the economic and political situation of your native country. One of the problems with focusing on your desire to become president is that it is very unlikely that you will attain your goal, and that the goal itself speaks of a desire to gain personal power rather than to do good in the world. Whereas, you want to show that you have realistic, attainable goals that will benefit your country. So, revising your essay to give it a different focus, while simultaneously making sure to tie back all of your points to that focus, would greatly strengthen your essay.

Watch out for articles:

Kyrgyzstan is in sore need of political reforms and a good president.

I am an emerging leader...

You say, "Charisma, willingness and self confidence made me the head of my faculty at Kyrgyz Economic University."

"Faculty" usually refers to teachers, not students.

Kyrgyzstan is in sore need of political reforms and a good P resident.
^You should say why. What is wrong with the current economic policies and the President?

I am the emerging leader, someone who hopes to start a new party and one day gain the presidency, someone with many of the skills and characteristics necessary for such an achievement, but not yet someone who has done more than win student-level awards and elections.

^Wow, I read above that there were some comments suggesting that you should implement modesty in your essay. Here, you just praise yourself. You also make it sound as if starting a new governmental party can be done very easily and the process of gaining presidency is rather unchallenging. At least, that is what I interpet.

I would say, remove this entire part. You compliment yourself and you do not come across as someone that understands the complexities of a position in the government.

Leading people is my talent.
^
I can not wait to read the next sentence :)

During my school years, I dedicated most of my time to the student organization "Moving Forward", editingwhich focused on editingour the school's monthly student newspaper and building it' s website. Nowadays I am advisingadvise the current President of this student body on all organizations and multimedia questions.

^
All organizations? Ranging from Anti-Gay rights to Unicef?
Wow, that is impressive.

Our biggest achievement has been to put together the university referendum and bring on a new university constitution.
^'Our': Was this the student organisation's achievement, or yours and the current President's achievement?

**You never really talked about how leading people is your talent. You just mentioned consultation and how you were part of some student organisation.

As someone in charge of media, I work with the US embassy in implementing our mission to make every student academically honest.

Charisma, willingness and self confidence made me the head of my faculty at Kyrgyz Economic University.
^Can you develop, on what made you so charismatic?

Together with peers we organized concerts, competitions, debates, trainings and interactive games.
^
Who is 'we'

Such activities started when I was 15 and teacher staff relied on me and chose me to participate in interactive show on national channel to represent my school.

^Revise your grammar.

I had excellent knowledge of Mathematics, History and Geography.
^
Really? Prove it.

Sports activities are important forto me because I strongly believe "A sound mind in a sound body". That is why I was part of basketball team of high school #27 and the swimming team of Kyrgyz Economic University. I won the Award from Bishkek city mayor for the best song at the national interuniversity festival "Bishkek Spring-2007". Everything mentioned above has made me comprehensively developed and opened for every new experience so that I can easily make friends with every person.

^LOL. comprehensively developed? What???
Every new experience? Geez. Make friends with every person? Man, it takes more than just to play basketball, swim, and song in a competition to be able to make such grand claims. It kind of also depends on your personality, rather than your activities. The activities however, can develop aspects of your personality.

The best of the best students from all around Kyrgyzstan came to the international scientific student conference at International University of Kyrgyzstan in 2007.
^
Some parts needs caps locks. How are these students the best? Academically? Sports? Both?

I was one of them reporting about "Developing Economy of the Kyrgyzstan after revolution in 2005". My critical skills helped me to answer all questions from committee and the smartest students. I found out solutions to local problems using very good analytical skills.

^...

Finally I won the Diploma of the 1st degree and my report was chosen to be published.
^K, that is impressive and should be developed on. You can use this, and use it to back up your claims on how you are 'the best'.

It is known that the UK has got world recognition as a powerful democratic civilization with a strong economic position.
^So does America...

The UK education system is totally different from that of Kyrgyz and more challenging.
^
How is it more challenging?

The University of Oxford University will be the best place to attain education, international experience, and an opportunity to explore more different ideas, discover new things and advantageous knowledge as well.

I hope University of Oxford will be eager to be part of the process by helping to educate an emerging leader such as me.
^Universities such as Oxford love to educate people who can emerge as leaders in the future. You are suggesting you are already a leader. Do not do this. Say how you are in the process of developing your leadership skills, and how you want to develop them further. If you are such a 'complete leader', why on earth would you need Oxford. Hitler never needed a University degree.

Also, it is Oxford University.
Also, what is different from being educated at Oxford, than perhaps, University of Manchester? Both are in the UK, and studying in the UK was a strong point to you...

What can Oxford offer, that perhaps Manchester, or other Unis in UK, can not?

After graduation, I would like to work at the World Bank in Kyrgyzstan to reduce poverty and contribute to sustainable development. I have helped hundreds of my relatives and friends because "There may be times when you cannot find help, but there is no time when you cannot give help." George Morriam.

^
So what help did you give? I am led to believe that you just helped clear the table once in a while, seeing as how you did not actually mention any specific help you offered.

Most of them strongly believe that I could be very perspective president and they with their friends would vote for me.
^
Obviously. They are your close ones. When it comes to a Presidential election however, you do not just rely on your families and friends support.

These days I am working with future plans and reforms for Kyrgyzstan.
^Like what?
K, you are part of a student group? Are you daring to suggest that that alone, is 'working with future plans and reforms for Kyrgyzstan.'

I believe in God and hope to start a new party and one day gain the presidency to personally make a lasting difference in the lives of nearly 6 billion people around the world will live forever in me. "Change lives, change organizations, change the World".

^Lousy ending.

*Look dear,
If you are applying to Oxford for a grad program, then boy does this essay need CONSIDERABLE AMOUNTS of work. You present yourself as someone who thinks they are very capable, however offer very limited explanations on what makes you so capable.

Quite frankly, I thought your essay was garbage, especially for Oxford standards.
You talk about wanting to work at the World Bank, and then become President.
Many people have these aspirations, including myself, however I will not admit it on my essay unless I have proof to show that I am capable of getting these positions.

You talk about it as if it is an easy process.
You also talk about yourself as if you are the best.
These are not leadership qualities.
Your essay seems to lack focus and understanding of the future. You also do not talk about what subject you want to study and why.

This is a GRADUATE ESSAY FOR UK. You need to talk about what it is you want to study, and why and how it can help you. YOU DO NOT DO THAT AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL

If you really care about going to Oxford, show it.
For the most part, your grammar is quite weak, as evident from the lack of capitals at time and endless sentences which are in clear need of punctuation.

You are applying to Oxford. Brush up.

Master at the University of Oxford

Dear All, I need your help to improve my essay so that I can make my dream come true!!

Thank you very much !!

...someone who hopes to start a new party and one day gain the presidency...

...to put together a university referendum...

For ages the University of Oxford has been the best place to attain education and advantageous knowledge.

After completing the masters program, I would like to continue my education and obtain a Ph.D. in Economics.

This degree would enable me to link academic career with policy practice.i.e. I plan on working with tax policy and social issues in the Ministry of Economy and Finance of Kyrgyzstan.

I have made little corrections :)

By the way could you please tell me, how I did it? :)

Thank you very much

Statement of purpose
Tursunbek Japarov

Kyrgyzstan is in dire need of political reforms and the good President. I am an emerging leader, someone who hopes to start a new party and one day gain the presidency, someone with many of the skills and characteristics necessary for such an achievement, but not yet someone who has done more than win student-level awards and elections.

Leading people is my talent. During my school years, I dedicated most of my time to the student organization "Moving Forward", editing our monthly student newspaper and building its website. Nowadays I advise the President of this student body on all organizational and multimedia questions. Our biggest achievement has been to put together the university referendum and bring on a new university constitution. As someone in charge of media I work with the US embassy in implementing our mission to make every student academically honest. Every summer the Kyrgyz press, professors and students from many universities participated in our trainings and conferences. Such initiative activities started when I was studying at school. Together with teachers and schoolmates we organized concerts, debates and interactive games. Communicating with each other we had fun and learned to be positive. Teacher staff chose me to participate in interactive show on national channel because I had excellent knowledge of Geography and History of Kyrgyzstan.

Best of the best students of all Kyrgyzstan came to the international scientific student conference at International University of Kyrgyzstan in 2007. I was one of them reporting about "Developing Kyrgyzstan economy". My critical skills helped me to answer all questions from the committee and the smartest students. I came up with solutions to local problems of Kyrgyzstan using my very good analytical skills. In the end of conference everyone had a chance to vote and leave comments. Most students liked my charisma and self-confidence. I made them believe that changes in Kyrgyzstan are achievable. Finally I won the Diploma of the 1st degree and my report was chosen to be published.

Many children dreamed of becoming a cosmonaut or a president. I wished to study at the University of Oxford and become the President of Kyrgyzstan. The University of Oxford was known even in the villages of Kyrgyzstan. I still remember my first English book was very big with an inscription capital letters "the Oxford Press". For ages the University of Oxford has been the best place to attain education and advantageous knowledge. Nowadays it is one of the best universities around the whole planet. Every year the University of Oxford is educating consistent, visible and challenging leaders from many countries with different cultures changing lives, organizations and the World for better. It is challenging because everyone with willingness can come up with any idea to any faculty. At the University of Oxford you do what you can do well that is why the World always has new progresses and inventions made by the University of Oxford. I strongly believe that atmosphere of creation would give me inspiration and incomparable education to improve my thesis and paper works. In today's business environment, a successful finance professional must possess not only a high standard of technical knowledge, but also an entrepreneurial flair and in-depth understanding of strategies for corporate development.

After completing the masters program, I would like to continue my education and obtain a Ph.D. in Economics. This degree would enable me to link academic career with policy practice, i.e. I plan on working with tax policy and social issues in the Ministry of Economy and Finance of Kyrgyzstan. I believe the University of Oxford will be eager to be part of the process by helping to educate an emerging leader such as me.

I took out the "i.e." in the previous version. You are using it incorrectly -- e.g. would be more appropriate in that context -- and only to show off. It will have the opposite effect you intend. Take it out.

I agree that the i.e. is awkward here, and should be removed. However, I'm not sure why you think that e.g. would be preferable, if the author insists on keeping the existing structure. I have always thought that i.e. = "that is", and e.g = "for example." In this case, he is not giving one example out of a range of possibilities, so much as saying specifically what he means by his previous statement. Wouldn't that make i.e. the better choice?

In any event, the construction, we agree, should be replaced with something that flows better.

As the sentence is constructed, "that is" would not work but "for example" would. It's ambiguous enough -- Is that surely what he will do? Or just one thing he might do? -- that I guess either could do. But dropped awkwardly into the essay like that, the "i.e." looks like a pretension.