I could really use some help getting started with my cause and effect essay.
I never planned on returning to school at the age of twenty-five especially while being married with a two year old son. I was working in a factory making good money and then one day we were told that the factory was being closed. Everything after that day was changed in my life.
Greetings!
I think you're off to a good start! One thing I can suggest to make your writing have more impact is to not try to cram too much into one sentence, especially the opening sentence. Consider changing it slightly, something like this:
I never planned on returning to school at the age of twenty-five. I was married, with a two year old son, and working in a factory making good money. One day, the boss told us the factory was going to close. After that day, everything in my life changed.
I haven't changed any of the information you gave; I merely changed the way you said it a little, for greater impact. If you avoid passive voice, it will bring your reader into the story more. You could create even more impact by using dialogue, like this: One day, my supervisor, Frank, came up to me and said, "We're closing the factory. You'll be getting a pink slip tomorrow." I just stood there, staring, as Frank turned and walked away.
Even though it's a cause-and-effect essay, rather than a short story, you can give it some detail to make it more dramatic. Then, after your opening, concentrate on showing exactly how this event impacted your life--what changed, and why?
I hope this gives you some ideas!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
I never planned on returning to school at the age of twenty-five. I was married, with a two year old son, and working in a factory making excellent money. One day, over the intercom we were told to turn off our machines and meet in front of the mechanics' shop. There was a group of people I had never seen before and they told us that the factory was going to be shutdown. The day I found out the plant was shutting down changed my family's life forever. We were living a good life without any kind of major worries. Then it was going too be that we were going to loose most of our income, without this income we would not be able to afford our current way of living. When I got home I told my husband that the satellite dish was going to have to be shutoff, because the factory was being closed. Then it was time for me to sit down and decide what I wanted to be when I grew up.
After the factory closed I used the severance money to pay off our car payment. With being a dislocated worker, I could go to college and receive unemployment which was only half the amount I was making working at the factory. I decided this would be my best choice, since that amount of money would still be more than what I could make working anywhere else.
Greetings!
I think you've done a great job with making your essay more involving. Good work! I'll give you a few editing pointers just to polish it up a little:
"One day, over the intercom, [add comma] we were told"
"was going to be shut down." [If used as a noun, it would be one word, e.g., "there was a shutdown"; however, as you used it, it's two words.]
"Then it was going to be that we were going to lose most of our income; [use semicolon or period here; you have two independent clauses.]without this income we would not be able to afford our current way of living." - It might sound better just to leave off "Then it was going to be that"; it's a little awkward and you don't need it.
"satellite dish was going to have to be shut off" - Again, as a verb/adverb, make it two words; if it were a noun/adjective, e.g., "where's the shutoff on this thing?" or "where's the shutoff valve?" it would be one.
"With being a dislocated worker," - Better would be "As a dislocated worker..."
"go to college and receive unemployment--which was only half the amount..." - You need some kind of punctuation between "unemployment" and "which"; I like the emdash here.
Really good work! I'll look forward to reading your conclusion, if you'd like to post it!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
// draft removed by Admin //
Greetings!
I think your essay is coming along splendidly! The only thing I would question is in this paragraph:
As a dislocated worker, I could attend college while receiving unemployment--which was only half the amount I was presently making working at the factory. Another choice was that I could get a job at another factory. I decided this would be my best choice, since that amount of money would still be more than what I could make working anywhere else. I had always wanted to work with children from three to five years of age and this would give me an opportunity. I decided to attend college and work towards a degree in Interdisciplinary Early Childhood Education.
It's a little confusing--you say that you could attend college or you could work at another factory and you "decided this would be my best choice." In other words, you decided to work at the factory. I think you meant to say you decided "the former would be my best choice."
Other than that, I think you're in great shape!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
What do you think of the essay now? Thanks for all of your help, if it was not for your help I do not think I would ever get anywhere on my essays. Andrea
I never anticipated on returning to school at the age of twenty-five to further my education. I was married, with a two-year-old son, and working in a factory earning an excellent income. One day while working at the factory, it was announced over the intercom to turn off our machines and gather in front of the mechanics' shop entrance. A group of people was gathered in front of the mechanics' shop entrance, I had never seen these people before, and they informed us that the factory was going to be shut down. The day I found out that the plant was closing altered my family's way of living tremendously, because we were going to lose a large amount of our current income and without this income, we would not be able to afford our current manner of living.
When I got home that evening, I told my husband that the factory was closing and that we needed to decide how we were going to deal with this change in our lives. The first thing we decided to do was to have our satellite television turned off and then we decided to begin working on paying off our bills. We also did some changes to the way we spent our money, no longer could we afford to go out to eat every week, before we would do our weekly grocery shopping. We also decided that we needed to start doing our grocery shopping every other week and stop going to the shopping mall just to get out of the house to help save on gas. After the factory closed, we used the severance money I received to pay off our car payment hoping this would help with our monthly finances.
It was going to be my decision on what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and I had a couple of different possibilities. As a dislocated worker, I could attend college while receiving unemployment--which was only half the amount I was presently making working at the factory. Another possible choice was that I could get a job at another factory, so I decided the former would be my best choice, since that amount of money would still be more than what I could make working anywhere else. I had always wanted to work with children from the ages of three to five years old and a college education would give me the opportunity. I decided to attend college and work towards an associate degree in Interdisciplinary Early Childhood Education, in the hopes of opening my own childcare center.
After my first semester of college, I learned that my son was going to be eligible to attend the college campus head start program during my second year of college. He would be able to attend the program for two years, but one requirement was that I have to be a full time college student and I would only have one year left. I decided I wanted to continue furthering my education until I received a bachelor degree in Interdisciplinary Early Childhood Education to keep him in the program for the full two years. This decision would also benefit our family in the long run by making it so I could become a preschool teacher and earn a better income.
Greetings!
I think you're doing an outstanding job! Your appreciation is very gratifying--but I must say that I know you would do fine on your own. I can give you little suggestions for improvement, but you've got the basic skills!
The essay is coming along really well! The few editing tips I have are minor:
"I never anticipated on returning" - Using "on" this way is fine for casual speech, but for a formal essay, leave out the "on": I never anticipated returning...
"One day while working at the factory, it was announced over the intercom" - The first part of your sentence is referring, impliedly, to you. You're really saying "One day while I was working at the factory..." Therefore, the second part of your sentence must begin with "I": "One day while working at the factory, I heard an announcement..."
"It was going to be my decision on what I wanted to do" - Again, your "on" is not really proper English. Better would be "It was going to be my decision as to what I wanted to do."
Best of luck in your studies!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
