I've created a personal statement for my application to dental school but I know it needs revision because I'm over my character count by 1,124 characters (including spaces!!) and I'm not super happy about making every sentence count~ Please help! Brutal honesty welcomed~ This is the only thing holding me back from submitting my application so at your earliest convenience please :))) THANK YOU!
Prompt: The personal essay provides an opportunity for you to explain why you desire to pursue dental education...
Here is a version with my own revisions and a million questions~~ Sorry this is such a long post!
Alaska. Most people think of ("Alaska. When you hear "Alaska" most people think of"?) Coca-cola commercials where polar bears in red scarves drink bottled soda, national geographic photos of a deserted igloo amidst a painted sky, or clichéd movies of kids riding dog sleds to school. When I think of Alaska, I think of home. Born and raised in Anchorage, I grew up in a close-knit Korean community where virtually everyone knew each other. As many of my community members have seen me blossom into a young lady since birth, everyone feels like extended family to me in some way.
It broke my heart to witness the elderly members of my community lack sufficient means of receiving dental care because of nothing more than language barrier. I came to this realization working for Lathrop, Inc., a local dental office. I was hired as a Korean/English translator since much of Dr. Lathrop's clientele came from the only Korean-speaking dentist in town that relocated to "the lower 48's". (I don't necessarily have to say it like this but I wanted to emphasize the lack of Korean dentists and why Dr. Lathrop needed a translator, if it's not already obvious. And is "lower 48's" not as obvious to understand as Alaskans think?) I listened to the testimonies of patients and other community members that felt so uncomfortable seeing a dentist that they could not communicate with that they rather withheld (held in?) the pain until it became so unbearable or too late. (if "or too late" is vague, then maybe just write "too unbearable to stand"?) Some readers may think that this story is exaggerated or even a bit extreme, and maybe I would have thought the same if it were not for the actual cases I have experience with people suffering from severe tooth erosions to periodontitis. (unnecessary?) It saddened my heart to see these helpless individuals suffering from pain but it also ignited a fire in me to become a bi-lingual dentist for the community that raised me.
To explore what being a dentist truly entailed, (I don't like this opening...) I began my shadowing experience with Dr. Guy Roberts, a general practitioner. I observed and learned a wide range of procedures including dental restorations, crown fittings and endodontic therapy. He also allowed me (for lack of a better word...) some hands-on work such as radiograph processing, instrument sterilization, and charting assistance. He stressed the importance of communication in a formal yet improvised manner, which I've continued to learn and practice in professional work settings even today. (how to I end this sentence/paragraph to close and transition well???)
[During a summer visit with my family, I was given an opportunity to shadow a distinguished dentist in Korea, my uncle. Though only for a few short weeks, I was able to compare and contrast some underlying factors related to oral health care in Korea and in the United States. Many aspects were ("The overview was"?) consistent in both places but it was obvious that preventative care took more precedence in Korea. This focus served a vital purpose and resonated in me as I vowed (weird word?) to emphasize the importance of (too much?) educating my future patients about the state of their overall dental health and presenting the available tools in modern dentistry to allow each person to make healthy choices for themselves, just as my uncle does.] (I don't know how well this paragraph fits nor do I know if its "necessary" but maybe cut it since I'm over on my word count?)
Craving for more experience, I continued (on?) the quest of finding a female dentist to shadow. I wanted to gain insight into achieving balance between work and family from a woman's perspective. Upon meeting Dr. Christine Shigaki at the AT&T store in which I worked, she was enthusiastic about my pursuit of dentistry and graciously offered me a shadowing opportunity at her practice. Alongside the procedures and techniques she performed on a daily basis, I was also able to observe the way in which she conducts herself with her patients and staff, the business aspects of a (her?) practice including insurance and paperwork, and jackpot, (inappropriate? not cute?) the way she balances a career and raising her family. She shared stories of the different ways she learned to manage life in her own way and how her family makes it work. (unnecessary?) This ("She"?) gave me a realistic point of view to what the life of a dentist would be like as a woman and empowered me to continue my journey into ("onto"?) dental school.
Beyond the scope of my academic aspirations of graduating with a B.S. (does this need to be written out?) in biochemistry, I have lived out my life as an artist as well. As the daughter of a music composer, my mother encouraged me to refine my artistic talents from a young age. I came to discover a love of music, dance and painting. (unnecessary since I have to cut words?) The alluring sounds that flow out of the body of a cello with the precise placement of my fingers requires much practice, dexterity and discipline. Creating beautiful sound has almost become an addiction as I've continued to play for the past 18 years. I've also learned how to use my body as an instrument of movement and expression through various dance genres and cultures. (bad transition?) People and landscapes were my point of interest when it came to drawing and painting. Manipulating images onto a blank canvas with a wide array of media trained me to obtain (weird word?) a keen eye for differentiating between the slightest hues and shades of color. Dentistry captivated me in a way that could be nothing short of the perfect fusion of art and science. I know that becoming a dentist will allow me to continue exercising my artistic abilities as well as keep me challenged and focused in a lifetime of learning.
Compassion sparked my initial interest in dentistry as my heart wretched to see patients (I originally had my "extended family" written here) suffer from pains that could have been prevented or treated. But in the process of gaining experience and insight into the practice of oral health, I have come to ("find"?) a newfound appreciation for dentistry and an eager pursuit to equip (weird word?) patients with knowledge. With the mental and emotional preparation as well as the characteristics that define me as a strong and well-rounded individual, I am confident and ready for the challenging journey that lies ahead and will stop at nothing to successfully achieve my goal of providing oral care and knowledge to my community someday. (how do I make a more lasting impression??)
Hello Iris,
I think you have all the great ingredients of an amazing essay. You talk about how you found your love for dentistry, the need for it in your community, and something that you would like to add the the profession, namely a greater emphasis on preventative care as can be found in Korea. The only issue is that despite the fact of having elements that are unique, you managed to make your statement sound like most of the generic "I want to help save the world" essays that most medical profession Applicants submit. Your challenge here will be to make your unique circumstances really stand out and captivate your readers. I can assure you, that you will be competing with several other students that will also write about the fact that they live in a remote area and as such their future dental skills will be needed. We can help you make your essay unique and amazing! -AAO
