benefit from studying in the public health program- conveying a solid point in my MPH

I'm applying to a Master of Public Health program and am rather concerned about my essay, because I know how important it is. The instructions merely mention to possibly include: "plans you have to use your education and training; the needs and/or challenges you perceive as important in your field of study; and any personal qualities, characteristics, and skills you believe will enable you to be successful in your chosen field of study."

This is a very rough draft with plenty of room for lots more information, so if anyone has suggestions as to what I should write more about please let me know! I'm considering mentioning that I graduated a full year ahead of schedule, but if they look at my transcript I think they will see that (and I don't want to be redundant if it will hurt me). Looking over this essay I'm worried I'm pandering a bit and not making a strong enough point. I just want to express that I need to be accepted to this program to accomplish what I want to do.

------
I have lived with Type 1 diabetes since I was 5 years old and, as a result of that, I have been fortunate enough to have a steadfast connection to health education. Endocrinologists, nutritionists, and other countless specialists have always provided me with tools to succeed in living well. Education is the best tool a community can use to improve the quality of health as a whole, but in order to educate a community, there needs to be an established lesson. I have been so fortunate in getting the opportunity to be involved in research studies conducted here on campus. These studies show how important social support is regarding the overall health of people living with diabetes-and I imagine we will find the same outcome when these studies are applied to other chronic conditions.

A sense of a physical community seems to be lost on today's generation, but I have been involved in the implementation of the Students with Diabetes initiative, which looks to construct a personal community of people living with diabetes. I can speak from first hand experience that involvement in the group has improved my health in ways I could have never imagined. I used to find myself putting diabetes management on the back burner, but because I have a network of fellow diabetics in my life now I am engaged in my own health care management as well as helping others stay on track. Whether it's seeing diabetes related materials constantly on social networking websites or personally receiving texts of encouragement from diabetic friends I am fulfilled in a social outlet I previously didn't know needed attention.

After a few months of working on Students with Diabetes with Bringing Science Home, it was very clear that I had a passion for connecting with a diabetic population and helping improve living with the condition. I haven't had extensive opportunities to branch out from diabetes, but because there are more than 26 million American citizens living with the disease I think it's an issue that needs commitment and attention.

I'm applying to the Graduate Program so I can further research unfulfilled needs in the lives affected by chronic conditions including diabetes and ultimately devote my life to bettering the quality of life for those people. I am committed to receiving my Master of Public Health degree so I can accomplish my goal and improving the health of as many people as I can. I am planning my concentration to be Health Education, because as I'd mentioned before, I think education is the most important thing for the people in a community. Education is the cornerstone of not only management, but also prevention.

I want nothing more than to continue my graduate studies here- somewhere I have called home since August 2009. And somewhere I know will benefit from my work as much as I will benefit from studying in the public health program.

----

Thanks for your help!

For starters, I definitely think it's alright to mention your completion a year ahead. That's something to be very proud of and bears repeating...Your opening statement is great. If this is only your rough draft then you are on the right track because with just a little more structure and just organizing your thoughts a bit more clearly, you will have here a terrific essay. In addition, I think you could shorten and strengthen your closing statement a bit, in a manner such as: "I am proud to call this place my home and would be honored to continue my grad. studies here". I hope this has been helpful! Good luck :)

For a rough draft, it's fine. From what I think, you still need good transitions from one topic to another. It's great that you mention why you want to pursue the MPH but I think you need to restate it with a stronger emphasis on how you plan to improve the lives. Make it your strength and then mention how you feel that there is a dire need of attention and commitment towards this disease and how you plan to step up to it. Instead of just mentioning these things, go in a little more detail about it to get your point across. A little work and you will have a great statement :)

I can understand the anxiety you must be going through right now as I am applying to MPH programs as well. I hope you get in school of your choice :)