Hi everyone,
My name is Fadilla. I am currently applying to some universities in UK and I would like to hear your feedback to my Personal Statement.
All your comments/feedbacks will be greatly appreciated!! Thanks in advance!
Here's my Personal Statement :
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The awareness that Chemical Engineering is the key towards industrial development has become my driving force to be a part of this field in the future. During my bachelor degree in Chemical Engineering Department, [University Name], I learnt that Chemical Engineers play a very important role in industry. With a broad range from petroleum to pharmaceutical, industry is a substantial and strategic sector in the economy and community prosperity improvement. Industrial development is important yet challenging as there are many problems that need to be addressed. An ideal industry should follow these rules: environmental friendly, energy efficient, and safe. In fact, many problems still exist in average industries. In Indonesia alone, Chemical Engineers are still struggling to overcome several issues, for instance, the low process efficiency, environmental pollution due to the industrial wastes, and the dependence of non-renewable, depleted energy source.
Realizing the big challenge ahead of me, I did my best to prepare myself during 4 years journey in bachelor degree. In university, I was provided with Chemical Engineering fundamentals through the given subjects, such as Chemical Reaction Engineering, Chemical Plant Design, Process Equipment Design, and Chemical Engineering Process Operation. I did a research titled [Research Title], which greatly enhanced my skills and knowledge in scientific research world. In order to apply the theoretical knowledge in a real engineering world, I took two months internship in [Company Name]. During my internship there, I had a chance to work in research, development, and process division, doing a project to overcome the viscosity problem of the evaporator product. I was satisfied that my project result was considered helpful and the company actually applied some of my ideas to solve the issue.
At my final year of bachelor degree, I proposed a plant design project titled [Project Title]. The idea came as a response to a local problem in Kerinci, a small city in Sumatera Island, in which many farmers stopped planting cinnamons due to the low cinnamon price. I designed the plant to convert the low-priced raw material into a high-valued product, thus increasing the economic value of cinnamon for local farmers. I learnt a lot during the project, not only about the plant and equipment design, but also about using Chemical Engineering judgment, considering many aspects such as the feasibility study, social and economy, safety, and environment in building a chemical plant. I finished the project in 8 months and submitted the design as my final project in bachelor degree.
Other than the academic activities, I also joined student activities to further enrich my Chemical Engineering experiences. In my third year of bachelor degree, I was selected as a member of Chem-E Car team, which focused on a research to build a chemical-powered car prototype. My responsibility was to research about the chemical reaction for the car power and the stopping mechanism. More importantly, I collaborated with people from different majors, such as Mechanical and Electrical Engineering, to design the equipment needed for the chemical reaction, and actually build the car with mechanical, electrical, and safety consideration. Later, we joined two Chem-E Car competitions in which I was responsible to operate the car and present the concept to the judges. We successfully won the 3rd place from the first one, a national competition held by [University Name]. From the international competition which was held by [Institute Name], we got the 2nd place for both the car performance and poster presentation. It was a precious experience that greatly enhanced both my hard and soft skills as a Chemical Engineer.
Right now, I am doing a research project titled [Project Title] under my former lecturer's supervision. I am also working in a team to write a book titled [Book Title], directed by a Professor in Chemical Engineering. By doing those projects, I am learning about renewable energy as well as preparing myself towards the next study and research in master degree.
There are many other things that I want to learn in order to solve the current and future issues in Chemical Engineering world. I intend to further enhance my understanding of Chemical Engineering concepts, broaden my knowledge about modern issues, and develop my creativity, critical thinking, and problem solving skills. Advanced Chemical Engineering in [Destination University] provides everything that I need; combined in a comprehensive syllabus that suits my preference very well. I am particularly interested to learn about Sustainable Development and Industry, Energy Systems, Reaction System Design, Computer Aided Process Design, and Catalytic Reaction Engineering. Furthermore, I am highly interested in [Destination University]'s research about environment and sustainable technology, and I am looking forward to develop my own research in this area.
I have thoroughly thought about my future, and pursuing master degree is the next big step in my plan. All of my previous achievement and activities have been carefully prepared to meet my main objective, which is to develop researches to solve industrial problems. The researches will be done in collaboration with the government and industries, in order to deliver a comprehensive solution. I am expecting to put my knowledge into use and make the most of my potential in real life.
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Hiii there...
Fadilla, I try to give you some comments. It can help you, I wish.
I believe that you have conducted a research about university that you want. So, you should make relations between your experiences and the university facilities as well as between the university and your big dream. Make it clear, what can the university does for you? also what can you do for the university? It seems like beneficial relation each other. You did not mention yet strongly.
You have great motivations and experiences! Well, good luck then :)
Fadilla, looking at your essay, presentation wise, it's very very long, unnecessarily long.
For a personal statement it should highlight your background, your moving forward insights and the ultimate goals.
Reading thru your essay, I felt like I was reading a biography and this is not what the prompt and the purpose of the essay is.
What needs to be done is to streamline the idea and you have to maintain this all through out the essay.
I'd like to draw your focus in the last two paragraphs of the essay.
- There are many other thingsissues that I want
- combined incoupled with a comprehensive syllabus
- that suits my preference very wellcompletes the curriculum .
- I have thoroughly thought about my future, and pursuing masters degree is the next big step in my plan.
- I am expecting to put my knowledge into usepractice and make the most of my potential in real life .
There you have it Fadilla, I hope I was able to help and when you do your revision try to limit your personal background into a single paragraph and focus the rest of the essay in the academic and professional aspirations that you have.
Fadilla, I came back to see the improvement you did on your essay and reading through it,
I believe that you were able to put it together and made sure that you will come back strong and your essay
did just that.
However, just one last thing that I would insist you do, try to limit you paragraph into 3 paragraphs,
the introduction, the body and the final insight, this way the statement will not look as much crowded as it is now.
As you know, the presentation of your essay also matters in the eyes of the admission panel.
You made a huge improvement here in your statement and I hope you maintain the same in the next writing pieces that you will do,
we will always be here to assist you.
Keep writing and read a lot as this will help you enhance your vocabulary too.
