I am applying for Brandeis International Business School, program of international Economics and Finance. Here is one essay of application. The question is---
What international/cross-cultural experiences will you bring to Brandeis International Business School and how will this contribute to the classroom?
This is my first draft. Hope I can get some advice.
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Born and raised in China, I succeed to Confucian way of thinking. While studying in Zhejiang, which enjoys its reputation of having successful and influential private entrepreneurs, I am affected by the idea of applying Confucianism into economy and business. That is the concept of Confucian Entrepreneurs. By reading their biographies and visiting their enterprises such as Zhang Xiaoquan Knives and Scissors Store and Hu Qing Yu Tang of Traditional Chinese Medicines, I believe in Confucian Entrepreneurs' way of doing business.
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"Born and raised in China, I succeed to Confucian way of thinking." Try subscribe instead of succeed.
"While studying in Zhejiang, which enjoys its reputation of having successful and influential private entrepreneurs, I am affected by the idea of applying Confucianism into economy and business. That is the concept of Confucian Entrepreneurs. By reading their biographies and visiting their enterprises such as Zhang Xiaoquan Knives and Scissors Store and Hu Qing Yu Tang of Traditional Chinese Medicines, I believe in Confucian Entrepreneurs' way of doing business." Try saying Zheijiang has a reputation of having successful and influential, instead of it enjoys it. I'd also explain a little about Confucianism- this school is in America, right?- a lot of people here don't understand what it is.
"I have brought back new ideas from Germany as well. There in classes, it was always us-the students who dominated the class. We did presentations in turn and we discussed cases in group. So in the first month, I doubted the value of presenting of professors. However, I gradually realize how I really mastered the method to hold a business meeting, the approach to organize a case study, the way to lead a team and let everyone contribute their voices. Having a clear logical analysis process, I came up with more and more suggestive solutions to business cases. All of them were not taught, but I magically learned them. Then I realized that was the value of class. So I compared Chinese and German classes. Experiencing in person, I also felt people displayed great initiative not only in classrooms but also in common life. Thus I have the idea that the difference might have been cause by cultural values. I cut in from the point of university classes but expanded my research to how children were taught from little." This paragraph is good, most universities want to see that students have initiative and aren't afraid to contribute, so if you say going to school in Germany helped you there, they'll like that.
Thank you for your suggestion! I will add what you've suggested.
Beside, I really hope to get more help from everyone.
Thanks Melissa! Yes, I could not figure out what that word was supposed to be.. subscribe. I'm glad you were here. :-)
How about 2 dashes here:
There in classes, it was always us -- the students -- who dominated the class.
One's own experiences are always educative. (instead of "telling")
We can make this sentence better, too... instead of "things":
Moreover, while experiencing new challenges, I have gained important insights and passed on my ideas.
This essay makes an excellent impression; you seem like a perfect student.
Thank you so much Kevin!
I have revised my essay according your and Melissa's advice. Is the 2nd edition better?
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Born and raised in China, I am affected by Confucianism about the proprieties of how to behave in society . Studying in Zhejiang province, which is home to successful and influential private entrepreneurs, I learned the idea of applying Confucianism into business practices. The visits to some of the old enterprises owned by Confucian entrepreneurs such as Zhang Xiaoquan Knives and Scissors Store and Hu Qing Yu Tang of Traditional Chinese Medicines and convinced me to believe their way of doing business. (Do I need to explain further the idea of Confucian Entrepreneurs? I mean, it is a relatively abstract concept. I'm afraid to make a mistake by interpreting it)
My faith(it is not a religious belief, so can I say it this way?) not only influences me but also the people around. When studied in Ludwig-Maximilians University Munich as an exchange student, I brought the concept of Confucian Entrepreneurs to classroom discussion. In the course of International Business, we were asked to design a new market strategy for a Brazil sports beverage firm who was about to launch its business in Japan. Instead of adopting zero-sum game strategy, I led the team to form an idea of sacrificing instant interests and chasing for long term ones(Is this expression a little bit Chinese?) . In Asian regions where people are potentially influenced by Confucianism, it is more important to build a credible brand image and to conduct some seemingly unprofitable methods in exchange of long term relationships with government and consumers. As a result, the professor praised our plan as the most feasible mean and it coincided with what the Brazil company actually did.
I believe that my knowledge of Confucian Entrepreneurs will contribute to the classroom of Brandeis International Business School just as I did before. The boom of China's economy also substantiates the mode of Confucian Entrepreneurs. And I am sure the ancient wisdom can create new perceptions in modern business and economic world controlled by western developed countries for centuries.
My vision has been broadened since my exchange in Germany. In Ludwig-Maximilians University Munich, it was always we, the students, who dominated the class. It is a huge difference from Chinese Universities, where the professor takes the control. Having experienced the German way of study, (I'm not sure about this expression) I gradually realize how much I can learn from holding a business meeting, organizing a case study and leading a team to make a project. That was the value of vibrant class, not the dead textbook. (I delete " However, I gradually realize how I really mastered the method to hold a business meeting, the approach to organize a case study, the way to lead a team and let everyone contribute their voices. Having a clear logical analysis process, I came up with more and more suggestive solutions to business cases. All of them were not taught, but I magically learned them. since it seems to be too personal. I am expected to answer the question, right?")
Inspired by this experience, I made a research comparing Chinese and German classes, with a hope to diversify my university in the mode of teaching. During the research, I was convinced that the difference might be caused by cultural values. I started from the point of university classes and expanded it to how people were educated from childhood. Then I wrote a paper based on this research, which not only won the first prize of Academic Scholarship of exchange student, but also influenced my department into a discussion on the innovation of teaching styles.
Zhejiang University offered me an opportunity to experience the world. I valued this chance and had a great performance(Do I need to be more specific? I want to express that I can not only experience the difference but also make contribution according to my experience). So when I notice that Brandeis International Business School offers considerable international opportunities, I am sure that I will benefit this school by my uniqueness and my influential power(Is this sentence proper? I'm thinking of another one).
Faith does not necessarily refer to religion... it's okay!
...form an idea of sacrificing instant gratification and working toward for long term goals...
Yes, you are expected to answer the question, so it is good to do so clearly like this.
Zhejiang University offered me an opportunity to experience the world. I valued this chance and achieved high standards, and I hope to make contribution by applying the skills I have learned from experience.
So when I noticed that Brandeis International Business School offers considerable international opportunities, I was sure that I would benefit this school by contributing my uniqueness and my personal power.
Maybe like that?
Thank you Kevin!
Just one more question:
the last sentence of my essay--
" So when I noticed that Brandeis International Business School offers considerable international opportunities, I was sure that I would benefit this school by contributing my uniqueness and my personal power. "
ends in past tense. Is it sounds not very persuasive? I meam will it be better to use present tense to express my strong desire of entering this University.
Hi there,
I have more of an issue with the content of this sentence than the tense. You write:
"So when I noticed that Brandeis International Business School offers considerable international opportunities, I was sure that I would benefit this school by contributing my uniqueness and my personal power. "
What is it about the Brandeis classroom that appeals to you and might make use of your talents? It is somewhat obvious that an international business school offers 'international opportunities.' What do you mean by 'uniqueness and personal power'--can you be more concrete and specific? How about your cultural background, leadership abilities, and collaboration/teamwork skills? You have proven your ability to interface across different cultures, and this is what I think you should really echo in your conclusion.
Additionally, I think you can provide more background on what it means to be a 'Confucian Entrepreneur.' I wasn't sure if it was an abstract concept you had created, so I googled it to find it is in fact a preexisting term. Books have even been written about the topic. Can you make this a little less abstract in your introduction--and explain what it really means in practical terms?
I hope this helps!
Cheers,
Janson
Yes, I agree with Janson... Janson, I have seen a lot of good contributions you have made; thanks so much!
Actually... "so" does not help:
So A rush of inspiration comes over me when I explore the international opportunities provided by Brandeis International Business School, I feel sure that I would benefit this school by contributing my enthusiasm and positively impacting others as part of this program.
Maybe like that?
Also, I understand what you mean about the present tense... yes! the present tense is more powerful... that is a great insight into writing.