"Dear Admission's Committee" - Addendum to a Personal Statement

Hello everyone,

I was asked by one of the schools that I am applying to to write an addendum to my personal statement for a PA school. I need to describe my experience shadowing a Physician Assistant. I have never written an addendum before and was not sure how to organize it. I have questions like, should I title it, should I write the date, my name and ID number, should I address the Admission's committee as in a letter and etc..Also, I am not sure how long does it need to be. I assumed that all this things are most likely not too crucial but I would appreciate any tips.

Here is what I have so far:

Addendum to a PA Application Essay

Dear Admission's Committee,

This summer I had the opportunity to shadow PA M. in Emergency Medicine by following her all the way through an exciting and especially eventful day. I was astonished to directly witness her recover a patient from a severe allergic reaction while simultaneously assisting with two other emergency cases. She also got me involved by letting me help in providing first aid. Later on, she encouraged me to perform a basic eye check on a patient and introduced me to the computer system used in the clinic. Being able to see what pulmonary edema looked like on an X-ray was particularly exciting, however, most of all I was thrilled to observe a case of Lyme disease, which, as I was told, is not a common occurrence in the clinic.

While PA M. was diagnosing patients, she did not miss a chance to provide me with explanations and teach me facts about interpreting symptoms. After examining a patient with difficulty swallowing, who was quick to self-diagnose himself with strep throat, PA M. determined it was a viral infection instead. Her conclusion was based on the additional symptoms she caught by asking further questions. She pointed out that in medicine one of the most difficult parts in detecting a problem is when a patient tries to match their symptoms to a certain diagnosis. As a result of this, the doctors may not hear the entire history of symptoms, which ultimately can lead to a wrong diagnosis.

Another interesting aspect of this learning experience was witnessing how patient behavior could give rise to ethical issues. As when the daughter of a patient, without further explanation, requested that no man of color should be present in the room while her mother was being examined. She insisted the medical assistant, who was already helping her, to leave the room and somebody else to take over. Even though PA M. and Dr. S. were obviously disturbed by the accident, instead of simply reflecting anger back to the patient, they were subtle and gave the person a chance to explain the reasoning behind this request. We were informed that her mother has Alzheimer's and becomes extremely aggressive in the presence of Black and Asian people. Considering the degree of pain her mother was already experiencing, the daughter was trying to prevent additional complications. I was impressed by how professionally this matter was approached and resolved. This taught me to not only expect such patients but also to react by attempting to understand what is motivating their behaviors rather than showing personal emotions and anger back to them. Also, it gave me a different perspective on the various states of emotions a patient could be going through.

After this day I came home feeling a sense of accomplishment, confidence and better understanding of the Physician Assistant's significance to a human life. By spending time with PA M., I had a chance to openly observe the demands and rewards of the profession. Even though this opportunity reassured me in my aspiration to become a Physician Assistant, recognizing the serious dedication involved, helped me be more aware of the intensity of such work. My future plans for preparing involve starting the Premedical Volunteer Program of the Hospital of__ this September, which, will further expand my exposure to medicine and train me better for the challenges of PA school.

P.S. I am still debating if I should include the third paragraph, which starts with Initially...I am not sure it adds a lot to the experience and to what I have learned but I feel like I need a second opinion on that.

Thank you!!!

Your third and fourth paragraphs are the best of the letter, as they give specific examples of what you learned. You might want to add more details about the patients' attempts to diagnose themselves, and condense the general lesson you learned into a single sentence, though.

Many of your sentences throughout the essay remain general and vague, not to mention a bit wordy. Replacing them with more specific, concise ones would greatly strengthen your writing.

Thank you, these are excellent points and I agree with everything you said. However, since this is not my personal statement, but simply an update to my current status, I have been debating if it is necessary to explain every detail or the committee is looking for something more concise and informative.That made me decide to sound a bit more general. I might be wrong, though. Which sentences seem vague to you?

Thanks a lot.

Your writing style in general needs tightening up:

Before: "Another interesting aspect of the experience was observing the behavior that the patients bring into the office. We came across some ethical issues. Understanding that no one can absolutely know the degree of negative emotions that a patient will exhibit while in pain -one can imagine the astonishment of the healthcare staff when the daughter of a patient requested that no man of color should be present in the room while her mom was examined."

After: "I also began to learn how patient behavior could give rise to ethical issues, as when the daughter of a patient requested that no man of color be in the room while her mother was being examined."

You could revise the entire essay like this to greatly strengthen it and to make room for more specific details that you could add, such as the reason for the request and the ultimately solution to the dilemma it posed, and what you learned from that solution, and whether or not you approved of it.

Thank you, the examples were very helpful and gave me ideas of how to better organize the essay. I am sure there is still some wordiness in the revised version but that is a flaw of my writing style that I need to keep working on. These are the changes I made so far based on your suggestions.

READ ABOVE

Yes to all except the last.


"General" and "concise" are not synonymous. One can be vague and long-winded or vague and terse. A key component of concise writing is the removal of modifiers, phrases, and even entire sentences that are so general as to be essentially meaningless.

That said, let me comment on your latest draft:


"Thrilled" is probably not the word you want here, as it implies that you took delight in the patient's misfortune.

While PA M. was diagnosing patients, she did not miss a chance to provide me with explanations and teach me facts about interpreting symptomsinstructed me as she worked . After examining a patient with difficulty swallowing, who was quick to self-had diagnosed himself with strep throat, PA M. determined it was a viral infection instead. This conclusion was based on the additional symptoms she caught by asking further questions. She pointed out that in medicine one of the most difficult parts in detecting a problem is when a patientsoften try to match their symptoms to a certain diagnosis. As a result of this, the doctors may not hear the entire history of symptoms, which ultimately can lead to a wrong diagnosis.

Another interesting aspect of this learning experience wasI also witnessd how patient behavior can give rise to ethical issues.


This is an example of a meaninglessly vague sentence. Either say specifically how your viewpoint changed or leave this out.

Thank you Simone and Sean, this was great help and exactly what I was looking for.
I will make the changes.

Yes, i agree, general has nothing to do with concise.I didn't express myself properly there, I meant it more in terms of-- should I skip some of the details and list the things I see as important-- like a general overview of the experience, without the analysis. I am going to leave it as an essay,though and hopefully they will have the time to read it :)

Anyhow, this has been tremendously helpful. Thanks for reading and editing, I realize it is not the most fun read in this forum ;)

You're welcome and good luck. Let us know what happens.

Pay attention to your sentence structure. The first part, before it is offset with the comas, needs to match what comes after. "She insisted the medical assistant to leave the room" ... see the issue here?


You want the word incident instead of accident here.


This is another one of those sentences that could be boiled down to its essence. Are you expecting the patients or accepting them? Now as I reread it, I see that you ARE saying that you learned to expect such patients. It does work, but it is a little confusing. If this sentence was rewritten to be tighter, that confusion would vanish.