Hello,
I am planning to apply to a Physician Assistant Program, and they want us to submit a narrative. We have to describe our motivations in becoming a Physician Assistant. This is what I have so far. It's my rough draft. I feel it still needs a lot more work, but I would like to get some feedback on what areas I can improve on. I would like to get some guidance. I would greatly appreciate anyone's help.
Thanks in advance! :)
Throughout my childhood I was told by my parents to study and work hard in order to achieve success. My mother who works as a housekeeper has shown me the difficulties one faces when one does not have an education. Growing up and watching my mother clean houses for a living motivated me to strive for a better life. She taught me to have high hopes for my future. Thus, my motivation to succeed stems from my childhood experiences.
My father who worked as a medical supply purchaser introduced me to the health-care field. Our conversations about the tools and body parts he ordered sparked an interest and curiosity of the human body. Thus, my desire to work in the medical field stems from my father's work experience.
In college, I joined an organization called TOPPS (The Organization of Pre-Professional Students). There I was introduced to a variety of health-care careers, and that's where I discovered what a physician assistant was.
I began to do research to learn more about careers as a physician assistant, and thereafter I decided that was the career path I wanted take. While in college I joined the Clinical Care Extender (CCE) program at Little Mary's hospital to learn more about the health-care field. My one year internship experience reinstated my desire in helping and caring for patients.
As a member of TOPPS I was inspired to help influence and guide others to learn more about careers in health-care. Thus, I became a leader. As a secretary I helped recruit members, guide them to resources, and helped organize opportunities for members to meet with admission representatives. I also encouraged many members to volunteer as a CCE to gain knowledge and hands on patient care experience. My goals were to help direct pre-health students to become aware of the programs and careers available in the health-care field and help provide them with the tools needed for success.
Although my experience as an intern and member of TOPPS provided me with the medical experience and knowledge I needed, I still wanted to learn more. I decided to take a back office medical assistant course to get more hands on experience working with patients. During my studies I learned to provide medical services to under served people. I discovered that one's ability to provide compassion, cultural sensitivity, trust, and understanding can positively influence a patient's health-care experience.
Compassion, cultural sensitivity, understanding, and empathy was what I learned to provide as a human development major. Being exposed to various health-care career paths confirmed my desire of becoming a physician assistant. Being able to work alongside a physician and applying what I learned in my undergrad studies in human development as well as treating and providing knowledge to patients were some factors that influenced my decision in becoming a PA.
I hope one day to work as a physician assistant in a multicultural and socially diverse urban setting. As a minority myself, I believe being able to relate to a variety of different backgrounds is important. My knowledge of a foreign language will be tremendously beneficial in such environment. Also the knowledge of applied behavior analysis and experience I gained while working as a behavior therapist for children with autism will benefit me when having to positively manage maladaptive behaviors with patients.
Therefore I am ready to enter the medical field and work hard to accomplish my ambition which I find most suitable for me. It would be an honor to have an opportunity to touch others lives through dedicating my life to the study of the human body and treating patients both physically and mentally. I look forward to the start of this new journey and welcome all the expectation and challenges that soon face me.
Hi,
I noticed my subject line was edited. I'm not sure if that was my feedback on my essay? I would greatly appreciate getting some feedback. If it's not strong or not interesting to read I would like to know and know why. I want to make a great personal statement that is interesting, but I need some guidence from an expert.
Please be patient, it will be reviewed :)
Okay, thank you for letting me know :)
Hi Kelley,
I wanted to go back and get to your essay, because I noticed that you have questioned whether the essay was actually reviewed. Please bare in mind that we receive upwards of 100+ essays a day and it's often difficult to hit each one with any sort of justice. However, I am going to give your essay a try here.
First, while you have mentioned in your first paragraph some of the things that motivated you to become a PA, you do not mention that you are leaning towards becoming one until one reaches the 4th paragraph of the essay. I would certainly try to mention the reason for the essay in the first paragraph. Give the essay some meaning. Try to tell your audience, right off the bat, so to speak, why you are writing the essay.
Being a physician assistant myself (I have practiced medicine for a little more than 16 years before retiring a few years ago), I know what these colleges and universities want in terms of the essays. It is good that you mention how your mother and your father have inspired you to study hard, but these sort of ideas are often used to strengthen your argument, not begin it. Do you understand?
Begin your essay by telling your audience that you want to become a physician assistant; make that your topic sentence for your first paragraph. Then, use the following paragraphs to strengthen that idea, tell your readers why you want to become a PA. Re-write your essay and then re-submit it to the forum. I will read it again. I wish you the best!
Thanks,
Mark
Throughout my childhood I was told by my parents to study and work hard in order to achieve success.
Boring first sentence!
She taught me to have high hopes for my future. Thus, my motivation to succeed stems from my childhood experiences.
This is a nice thought, but still nothing that is going to change my life as I read it... I'll keep going til I find the soul of the essay.
Oh... I see that the strength of the essay is in your very impressive experiences and accomplishments. The whole essay is very good... all except for the boring intro and a sort of too-general conclusion. The conclusion says general things, and the intro says some unimportant, unoriginal things about working hard now to avoid a life like your mother's. But actually it is not so good to compare "success" as a professional with whatever life becomes for people who lack education. This intro does not introduce YOUR theme; it just sort of tells the reader a little about your background.
Think of the intro and conclusion as a little like poetry. It is poetry about a concept that you will use as your theme. I think you can dig deep and find words to express the meaning and fulfillment that you see available to you in the health care industry. Revise the intro and conclusion during your next moment of inspiration! :-)
Hi,
Thank you both for your feedback! :)
I am going to follow both of your advice and input your suggestions into my personal statement. Also thank you both for your honesty. I really appreciate it. I feel much better knowing what direction to take my essay in. I will work on my essay and submit it again once I am done. Thanks again! :)
