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Direct Entry Masters of Nursing Statement of Purpose, Final Draft Critique Due in 5 days


Gintokii 1 / -  
Sep 25, 2016   #1
Hello everyone, this my final draft for my statement of purpose and it is due this upcoming Friday. If anyone has advice on any last minute improvements or see anything I can make sound better I would appreciate any suggestions!!

This is the actual prompt:In the statement of professional goals we are looking to see how you came to the decision to move from one career to nursing. We want to know why you are looking at not only nursing, but an advanced level of practice in nursing, and what you know about it. We want to get a picture of you! There is no right or wrong way to approach this, but it is an important part of your application. We suggest you give serious thought to the construction of this document. It can take the place of the essay in the application form. Please limit your statement to no more than two double-spaced pages.


MSN Statement of Purpose
I have chosen to apply to - 's general entry program as(because or since) my desire is to become a compassionate advanced nurse practitioner, capable of building relationships with patients while attending to their medical needs.

From a young age I knew that I wanted to be a healthcare professional. I owe this in great part to my grandmother from my dad's side of the family, who as far as I can remember was never in a decent state of health. She went from being a kind, bustling woman who brought a smile to anyone who crossed her path, to a frail shadow of the woman I had always admired. All I could do at such a young age was sit by and watch as her health slowly deteriorated - as dementia ate away at her mind and body. My grandmother passed away when I was in the third grade, but my mother's unwavering compassion towards her opened my eyes to the field of nursing.

The noble acts I was able to witness during this remorseful period were some that paved the road for what I knew I was capable of becoming. At the time, my father was working full-time in a nearby city and my mom was the director of the ICU at our local hospital. I remember she used to describe the nursing field with such passion in her voice, but at such a young age, I wasn't able to fully comprehend the significance of a nurse's job. This changed when my grandmother became sick and my parents decided it was best she move in with us. For five years, I watched as my mom devoted her time to aid her in any way possible. Whether it was after work or going home for lunch, she spent all of her free time administering medications, helping her with basic needs, and somehow still made time to take care of me and my younger brother. She couldn't change the inevitable, but seeing her wholehearted altruism for my grandmother during such a difficult time demonstrated how a caring nurse can impact a patient's life.


Since then, I began aspiring to become a health care professional. During my senior year of high school, I chose to take a basic EMT certification class and then worked as an ICU monitor technician so that I would gain acute care experience before pursuing a college degree. As I began my collegiate career, I had chosen to major in Biology intent on becoming a physician. After a year of being in our school's pre-medical society, I quickly realized that going to medical school did not align with my goals of supporting a family and the amount of time I was willing to wait before I could begin practicing medicine. However, I decided to continue to work toward my B.S. in biology in order to give myself as many opportunities as possible.


For the next few years, I continued to expose myself to various clinical settings and matured as a person who wanted a care-oriented career goals. I came to realize that becoming an advanced practice nurse was everything I wanted in a health care profession. I have repeatedly seen the compassion and empathy nurses display when caring for patients. Now that I work as an ER technician, I make sure to emulate these same qualities with every patient that crosses my path. I have already learned a great deal by working as a technician, but I aspire to receive the proper training to be able to take care of patients at a greater level.

Deciding to apply to - program to continue my professional goals was an easy decision. - nursing school has displayed a history of producing nurses that are prepared for future career advancement. If I am privileged enough to be accepted into the program, my goal is to receive my master's as a clinical nurse leader and soon after continuing my education in a post-master's certification to become a family nurse practitioner. Through your general entry master's program, I know I will develop the skills and knowledge needed for advancement in the nursing field.

Thank you for your consideration
Sincerely,
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 26, 2016   #2
Let's be more strategic about how we begin the essay. The beginning should rock the reader, maybe surprise the reader. But this essay begins with something that is only informational:

I have chosen to apply to - 's general entry program as
This should be preceded by an interesting sentence. The reader's deepest impression is formed in the first few seconds of reading.

...is to become a compassionate advanced nurse practitioner, capable of building relationships with patients while attending to their medical needs.--- This seems generic and formal. Building relationships is only one of many aspects of the work. I'll keep looking for something intriguing in the essay.

For five years, I watched as my mom devoted her time to aid her in any way possible. Whether it was after work or going home for lunch, she spent all of her free time administering medications, helping my grandmother with basic needs, and somehow still made time to take care of me and my younger brother. She couldn't change the inevitable, but seeing her wholehearted altruism for my... -- This last part is especially great. Great writing here... Now, I've crossed out some parts that are weak. It's the same thing I do with my own writing. Cut the weak parts, and keep only the stuff that rocks the reader, with imagery words and action verbs. Shock the reader with something she didn't expect.

That's my advice, but this is already great and I hope you enjoy your studies.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Sep 26, 2016   #3
Hi William, first of all, 5 days is not yet a cramp day for you to go panic stricken, however, it is also not enough for you to lay low in finishing a well managed and determined essay. Having said that, I believe you started quiet strong, you made sure that you have directed your answer towards the purpose of the essay. Now, as much as I loved reading your essay, I must say, there's nothing special to it, it is very specific to the purpose of the letter, however, it is quiet plain and for this type of letter there should be something special, something that will stand out to the eyes of your critiques and the normal readers.

Moreover, as it is a statement which is pretty much an extension of your academic profile and you as a person, I would suggest that you go deep into your academic pursuit. The second paragraph where you talked about an experience you witnessed can already be summarized into one full paragraph with the next 2 paragraphs, this way it will create a logical impact. You can also create one full conclusive part that will highlight your academic goals in order to reach greater heights in the academe.

Overall, there are a few enhancements to be done and should create a much better final essay that is ready for submission and I wish to review your final essay soon.
Giansy11 18 / 32 5  
Sep 26, 2016   #4
Hii Gintoki..
it was a great explanation, but lemme give you some corrections.

From a young age I knew that I wanted to be a ...
better use : when I was child, I wanted to be a healthcare professional

For five years, I watched as my mom devoted her time to aid her in any way possible spent her time ...

..., but I was aspired to receive the proper training ...

I know tha t I will develop the skills and knowledge n...
use conj to avoid double verb
vaytserr 1 / 2  
Oct 1, 2016   #5
Hey there! Here are the suggestions that I thought would be helpful. I hope they actually are helpful!! Most of the Statement was great! I just made a few grammatical changes.

I have chosen to apply to - 's general entry program on account ofas(because or since) my desire is to become a compassionate, advanced nurse practitioner,..

She couldn'tcould not change the inevitable, but ...

... I had chosen to major in Biology ... (Maybe state which university you attended?)

... as a person who wanted a care-oriented career goals.

... my goal is to receive my master's degree as a clinical nurse leader, and soon after continuing ...
Through your general entry master's degree program, I know I will ...

Thank you for your consideration
Sincerely,


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