'Since my early days as a child I was fond of exploring how things work' - Applying for Master Study

I'm applying for a master and this is my statement of purpose
I want to have your honest feedback about it from these aspects
1) quality of language and structure
2) coherence of ideas
3) meeting the SOP writing standards or not
4) overall opinion
your help would be greatly appreciated
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear sir
Since my early days as a child I was fond of exploring how things work. I was that kid who disassembles or smashes every toy he has to know how it works. I have developed a rather intuitive and profound fascination in exploring the electronic gadgets, especially with regard to their construction and operation. This fascination for everything electronic prompted me to take up Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry as my course of study in my higher secondary school. I received high grades with distinction as I finished among the top 5% in my school. This made me able to fulfill my dream with securing an admission to faculty of engineering at XXX University, one of the top universities in XXX.

After I started studying at faculty of engineering, I decided to choose electronics and telecommunications as my specialization to feed my passion. During my five years of studying, I have learned that engineering is as much as an art as it is a science. My study reinforced me with solid understanding of the basic concepts of communication theories, power electronics, signal processing, electromagnetic waves and networking. I have consistently performed well and maintained high grades throughout my curriculum. Furthermore, I graduated my Bachelor course with a First class with distinction and was among the top 10% in my batch. I gained the 13th rank amongst 178 students. Even my college awarded me with a cash prize in all the four years, for maintaining high grades.

In my graduation thesis, I was working on a research project to establish a low cost, robust, wireless Ad Hoc network between the moving vehicles, without the need of enterprise infrastructure. We researched the different network architectures that can be used. My responsibility was choosing the best RF link to be suitable to handle the high mobility challenges of the moving cars environment such as the Doppler effect that shifts the carrier frequency and very short connection time. My work included modifying the Wi-Fi protocol to operate similar to the DSRC (Dedicated Short Range Communication) protocol (which was made for high mobility applications). However, there were no adapters available to run DSRC protocol, so I chose a wireless adapter to assist me in my project. Since I was not familiar with the C programming language the adapter used, I learned and became proficient in the C programming language to assist with the project.

For the past 2 months, I joined XXX, one of the leading research institutes in XXX, as a researcher. I continued my contribution to the ITS (Intelligent Transportation System) by working on a project to reduce the road accidents in XXX, using sensor networks and smart phones. Our goal was to assist the car driver and warn him from different road obstacles (speed bumps, road holes, U-turns and so on) that can cause accidents, by building a database for obstacles and make the drivers access it through communication technologies.

My aim to develop myself more and help people to have a good quality of life made me to be actively involved in extracurricular activities beside academic studies. I was an active member in the IEEE student's branch in my university for about one year. I organized a lot of scientific events, symposiums and trips with the aim of spreading science passion. In addition, I was a member in AIESEC, and travelled to India to participate in a volunteering project to spread cancer awareness. I can say that Travelling abroad enriched me and gave me the privilege of being opened to different cultures. I learned that we, as humans, have more in common than our differences.

The thirst for exploring of this kid is not satisfied yet. And education is a lifelong process, that's why I want to continue my study by pursuing a master degree in Germany. Germany is renowned for a long tradition of welcoming international students and its higher education is one of the best in the world, especially in the fields of engineering and science. And I can benefit from having such a world class degree to establish my career as a communication engineer and a researcher. Furthermore, I will have the opportunity to learn German, which will open many doors for me.

I chose the master program of communication engineering at XXX, after I read carefully the curriculum and found that it fully suits my ambitions. Moreover,XXX is one of the leading universities in Germany with a long tradition of scientific partnership and cooperation with industry. It will give me an international exposure and insights into new trends, which will help me to push my studies and research forward.

I am looking forward to continue my contribution to the ITS by researching to develop its various applications, and I do believe that the program will provide me with what I need to start.

With my strong academic background, intellectual abilities and practical experience, I am confident that I will bring a high level energy, enthusiasm and cultural diversity to this program and exceed your expectations.

I am grateful for considering my application and I look forward for your favorable reply.

Sincerely,

I hope this has answered your questions. I have looked over your work and I hope you this will be helpful to you.

1st and 2nd paragraph: You want to avoid any impression that you tear things apart. This maybe something children do who are inquisitive. However, this may not apply to who you are today. You describe you passion for this really well in this opening paragraph. I'm confused about faculty of engineering. Is this a department or program? If you describe it better, it will give the paper more clarity. Was this a bachelor course or a bachelor's degree that you graduated with? That needs to be clarified too. I think you should start the last sentence in the 2nd paragraph with, "Even". You should correct this sentence to reflect that you won a prize.

Ex: Also, I was awarded with a distinguished award and compensation for a high grade point average.
This is just an example, of how you could begin to make the transition to explain your prize and grades. If you use a transition word, it will make your sentence better. You can keep your original work, but use this sentence as an example.

5th paragraph: I would change a lot of scientific events to many scientific events. You could change the arrangement of words from science passion to enthusiasm for science to describe your symposiums and trips. Traveling should be lowercase. Also, delete the -ed from open when describing different cultures.

6th paragraph: You don't state what your enthusiasm for exploring is for. Also, I would avoid using thirst or kid. Would you like to describe it as quest instead? Don't start the next sentence with and, but you can start it with education.

7th paragraph: You should make the last 3 paragraphs into one paragraph. For example, starting with your choice for the master program and ending with the program exceeding your expectations.

Will you be doing research to develop applications? I was slightly confused when you only used researching.

"I hope you will consider my application for admission and I look forward to your favorable reply".

I think you are meeting the standards, but I'm unsure about the length of the essay. You should read the guidelines to see what the requirements are for the SOP.

first thanks very much for the help
I edited it accordingly let me know what do you think please

for the length of the essay, I checked it and I'm in the safe area.

You have done quite well. I want to suggest some minor changes you can make. I think you should read your paper after these revisions. The paper sounds really good.

Is higher secondary school actually high school? (You don't have to change it if you feel the reader will understand).

2nd: You need to add "the" before faculty in the first sentence. The third sentence I would change this to, "... study of engineering reinforced in me a ..." Bachelor and first should be lowercase. I want to help you revise this sentence. Please change the order: "Also, my college awarded me with a cash prize for maintaining high grades all four years."

4th paragraph:In the third sentence you could make this change: ...about different road obstacles...and making the drivers

5th paragraph: Delete academics and just end this first sentence with "become actively involved in extracurricular activities".

6th paragraph: Open this paragraph with "My quest" to make it personal. In this paragraph, you start a sentence with "And". You should start it with, "I" instead.

7th paragraph: When you discuss scientific partnerships, you could end the sentence with, "within the industry". There is too much space. There are five sentences that should be within this paragraph, because it sounds so nice together. It is just a small formatting issue because you probably pressed enter after typing the next sentence.There is a portion of the last sentence of the essay I would suggest changing to "look forward to" rather than look forward for.

really I don't know how to thank you

please check it, and tell me your overall opinion

for the prize, I took this prize for 4 times, not at the end, I've edited it accordingly, hope to find it in order

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

[...]

After I started studying at faculty of engineering, I decided to choose electronics and telecommunications as my specialization to feed my passion. During my five years of studying, I have learned that engineering is as much as an art as it is a science. My study reinforced me with solid understanding of the basic concepts of communication theories, power electronics, signal processing, electromagnetic waves and networking. I have consistently performed well and maintained high grades throughout my curriculum. Furthermore, I graduated my Bachelor course with a First class with distinction and was among the top 10% in my batch. I gained the 13th rank amongst 178 students. Also, college awarded me with a cash prize in all the four years, for maintaining high grades.

READ BELOW

You have done quite well. There are only slight changes to be made. See my previous post for my previous suggestions to ensure you have made the needed changes too.

Capitalize "Sir or Madam"

1st paragraph: Change have developed to had developed.

2nd paragraph: The third sentence change to: "reinforced me with a" . When you discuss your class distinction change to: Bachelor bachelor course with a First first class with distinction. If you received it four times this is how you can revise it: "Also, the college awarded me with a cash prize for four years, for maintaining high grades." I hope you like this change, because it shows that you received this prize for four years.

Scroll up to see the change that I made for the fourth, fifth, 6th, and 7th paragraph. Those changes should be made as well. I want to make sure your last paragraph looks like a paragraph. When you discuss having a strong academic background, that should be apart of your last paragraph too. See my previous post.

There are only slight changes that I have suggested. These are only minor grammar changes that will help your essay. Read it once more. I feel these are the last changes that need to be made. In the third paragraph and third sentence place a comma after environment. The 4th paragraph and 3rd sentence change to, "warn him about". The 5th paragraph and 1st sentence: "made me become actively". The 6th paragraph: Don't capitalize quest. The 7th paragraph and 2nd sentence change to: cooperation with the industry. Also, change last sentence to: "high level of energy"