Hi everyone! I'd appreciate your urgent feedback to my SOP essay for grad.school.
Its not polished yet, however i believe that such an experienced guys like you can give me some ideas of where to move and if my essay is fine in general...
The stuff in [ ] is somewhat im not sure to include or not...
Im really rushing to submit my essay asap, since the school's deadlines are getting closer and closer.
Btw, they require a general essay, not based on my choice of that certain school...
thanks for comments
Some people are lucky enough to inherit the entrepreneurship skills from their parents or just have such a called sense of profit, when a child intuitively knows how he or she can get some additional profit, just like my thirteen-years-old brother who earned his first money by selling the origami ninja missile stars to his classmates. However, I've never had that sense of entrepreneur until I graduated from high school and was admitted to the school of Economics at Eurasian Institute of Market.
If you ask why I chose Economics as program of study in my undergraduate, I will tell you. [Exactly in the high school graduation year, my family started facing the serious problems with money. My father left us when I was thirteen years old and did not pay any alimony, since my parents did not officially document their divorce. My mother was the only source of incoming cash flows for several years, and grandmother's pension helped us a lot, because we four lived together.] That was a moment when I started to understand, that the only thing which could accelerate my changeover from linguistic- and history-loving young girl to a smart professional was admission to the school of Economics in a good university. Moreover, being economist opens the doors to numerous industrial companies, banks and other financial institutions, which are the great source of invaluable experience of both local and international business.
During my high school years I was someone very interested in languages and history. I've studied the English, Russian and Kazakh languages starting from the 1st grade and could fluently speak on the three of them by the time I graduated. The part of history of Kazakhstan which described the wars between Kazakh people and Mongolian invaders has been attracting me for years. In particular, I was interested in power that was probably used by the army leaders to inspire their warriors for the long annexationist campaigns and desperate battles. I started my research in this field and ended up with finding that not only the authority of the leaders played a role of inspirer to the army, but also the different symbols and totems were used for this purpose. I investigated the numerous historical sources and paintings to fulfill my research project about the role of flags as war a symbol, which was awarded with the 1st place of the 29th Kazakhstan scientific-practical conference in Ethnic culture section in year 2003.
During the years of study in the Eurasian Institute of Market I was not only focused on theoretical studies of Economics, but also was seeking for the ways of applying my new skills on practice. In years 2004-2006 I tried myself as ticketing and reservation agent at Central Asia Tourism Corporation and that was my first experience of practicing my initial knowledge in Economics, which led to the sales indicators' growth. This success really inspired my and gave me bigger confidence, that my choice of Economics was reasonable and my sense of entrepreneur was finally awakened.
In the spring of 2006 I was hired by JSC BTA Bank as Event Manager of International Department. Apart from training and enhancing my organizational skills, I got a chance to take part in the bank's cost-cutting program by decreasing the volume of client-related expenses and collaborate with accounting department on optimization of expense control mechanism. During my employment in BTA Bank I observed the changes in the activity of International Department because of poorly-motivated staff. The leave of some key managers brought me an idea of investigating the case study of relation between economic activity indicators and the level of staff motivation. I have elaborated the detailed questionnaires, analyzed the results of survey, and the results inspired me to base my senior project on this issue.
In February 2007 I accepted the offer of newly opened representative office of Credit Suisse in Almaty as Assistant Manager of Fixed Income and Asset Management desks. That was a position which finally gave me a possibility of performing economical analysis (Kazakhstan Oil & Gas sector), direct communicating with the firm's clients on KYC/AML and others business-related issues, representing the company to the state bodies and regulators. Apart from that I continued polishing my organizational skills by executing the meeting schedule and travel arrangements of Fixed Income and Asset Management teams. By the beginning of the summer of 2008 I finalized my senior research project which was given the "A" grade by the degree committee and distinguished for its special practical value.
In August 2008 joined back the International Department of JSC BTA Bank as a Relationship Manager and continued practicing my economical knowledge base overall. We have reached a certain success in increasing the investors' base, setting up the business relations with new counterparties and etc.
I am student of Academy of Economics and Law in Almaty for my second undergraduate degree in Law, graduating in late June of 2010. That was mу decision to be well-educated both in two related fields: Economics and Law. My work experience in banks showed me the necessity of legal procedures' knowledge to be a successful professional in Economics.
As of now, I feel it is an ideal time to continue my education and obtain the Masters degree in Economics. The striking reasons for that are the following:
1. During my study in graduate school I am eager to deepen my knowledge in
(a) International Economics
(b) Development Economics
(c) Public Finance
(d) Agricultural Economics
2. I foresee my career moving from banking system to the manufacturing sector, preferably a start-up national company. I believe I am able to contribute into the development of a new national company
3. Gaining a truly international business experience during the internship. The internship either in American or USA-located international company will give the picture and the standards of making business on the highest level.
4. And ultimately, I have one social aim, which will be executed easier when I receive the Masters degree: during my study at high school I volunteered to visit one of the orphanages in Almaty. That was one of the strongest impressions of my school years. It was really hard and touching to chat with those children, who are barely treated with love or cared for. What was really annoying is that they do not see their future, not knowing what perspectives and opportunities they do have after they leave the orphanage. Unfortunately, the environment in such places is somewhat extremely pessimistic and non-perspective. My objective during study at graduate schools is to establish and maintain relations with Kazakhstani students, studying abroad and encouraging them to form a social organization that would help orphans by increasing their awareness of international study possibilities, exchange programs and scholarships, organizing meetings with senior students of local universities as well as with scholars, who studied abroad. Our activity will aim orphans to show the initiative in learning process, work on realizing their ambitions and enhancing their eagerness to study. The reason that I would like to invite graduates with Masters Degree from foreign schools is to show that we all are the same people, and everyone can achieve his goals if work hard and believe in him. Moreover, we will be in a position to act as a tutor for those children, consulting them in the issues of Economics, thus practicing and sharing our skills and knowledge. I am more than sure that my peers will support my idea and together we will make a little contribution into the orphans' life improvement.
United States of America has a solid reputation in making business and economic development. I consider the graduate study in USA as a greatest opportunity to gain additional knowledge, explore the economic experience of the country and make every effort to contribute my newly obtained skills and attainments to Kazakhstan's economic development.
I think you should not include the part about your brother in the first paragraph, because it is distracting at an important time in the essay.
Some people are lucky enough to inherit the entrepreneurship skills from their parents, or just to have an ability to such a called sense of profit, when a child intuitively know how he or she can get some additional to achieve profit, just like my thirteen-years-old brother who earned his first money by selling the origami ninja missile stars to his classmates. However, but I never had that sense of entrepreneurship until I graduated from high school and was admitted to the school of Economics at Eurasian Institute of Market.
After that, finish the first paragraph by telling the reader specifically what this essay is going to be about -- how you gained your sense of entrepreneurship and what you intend to do with it. Use a powerful phrase that you will repeat again in the conclusion. The intro paragraph should be like a seed or core that contains the essence of every paragraph.
For the second paragraph, I suggest this:
If you asked why I chose Economics as program of study in my undergraduate, I would begin talking about my family struggles from these past several years.
Good luck!!!!
