Dear all, it would be of huge help to me if you could give feedback on story line, word choice, and grammar. Thank you so much!
successful business manager
To whom it may concern:
To become a successful business manager and a useful member to society at once - to me, this means greatest achievement. For the past year, I have spent a lot of time thinking how I can unlock my entrepreneurial spirit and gain a high impact position that focuses on finding solutions to societal problems in a world of increasing complexity and uncertainty. I am convinced that joining XXX University will be my gate to a career advancement in corporate entrepreneurship, business development, or strategy consulting.
My motivation started with my Bachelor´s degree in International Management. After my A-levels I was determined to find out how organizations function and how they are coordinated to achieve a common mission. Not only because of my earlier high school year abroad, it was a natural choice for me to study at an international university that offers a diverse academic environment and a practical learning approach. Two of the courses that have inspired me the most were Entrepreneurship & New Venture Management and Project Management. I initially got hooked by the different concepts of creating a venture and had much fun working on a group project where we had to create a sound business plan for an innovative idea of our choice. At the end of my studies, I was able to write my Bachelor thesis hands-on with a company where I had to solve a problem about project cost control by designing an own concept. But, to be quite frankly, to later gain an entrepreneurial position, I need to deep dive into the theoretic concepts. The unique and comprehensive curriculum of your Master´s programme will enable me to do just that.
Regarding my professional career, I first worked in an entrepreneurial environment during my internship at a small family owned airline. The expansion into new markets by extending the destination portfolio was crucial for the company´s survival and I had the chance to take part in financial aspects of the project. Another imprinting experience was my temporary placement in the business development department of a small consultancy in Moscow. During that thrilling time in Russia, I could get a good impression of how challenging it is to extend a local business by acquiring new potential customers. I consider the following five years working in the field of financial planning and business analysis as a very valuable asset as well. To name just a few aspects, they have taught me the ways of implementing an organization´s strategy, how to operate a management control cycle, to apply the principles of financial accounting, forecast sales and market developments, or calculate business cases.
I now see it as the next step on my career path to advance towards an entrepreneurial position that focuses more on implementing innovative ideas, fostering change, and corporate strategy. Speaking in a greater context, it is my final goal to be of value in this world by finding solutions for contemporary social and environmental problems. As a first step, I just got accepted for an internship at XXX., a vocational start-up incubator in Uganda that helps commercializing innovative ideas from university research that aim to produce sustainable textiles out of agricultural biomass. Following up this internship I will most probably be working on an educational development program in Kenya before picking up my master studies in autumn. After attaining my master´s degree, it is very important for me to be working again in a small or medium-sized enterprise, preferably managed by its owners, as I believe my accomplishments, even if on a smaller scale, will here have the largest impact. To work as a new venture or strategy consultant would be extremely interesting for me as well.
The Master´s degree in Strategic Entrepreneurship at XXX University was my very top choice from the beginning. When I first found out about it on the Master and More trade show in Munich almost one year ago, I became intrigued by the university´s reputation, the tailored courses of the programme, and its global environment. With an open mind-set and a can-do mentality, your programme would allow me to develop my creative and entrepreneurial skills to successfully reach my goals.
Therefore, I really hope I was able to catch your interest as well and that you will take my application into consideration.
Best wishes from Germany,Hi, here is some feeedback
this means the greatest
After my A-levels, (don't forget to use,)
part in the financial aspects
helps to commercialize innovative
open mindset
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Lars, this motivational letter is running too long. You are over discussing the presentation. There is a need to tone down the information and focus on the actual motivation for your interest in studying abroad. The letter needs to focus on your professional requirement for advanced studies. So you should begin revising this essay starting from the 3rd paragraph.
The first 2 paragraphs are throwaways. Not required not necessary for this type of presentation. The next 3 paragraphs are somewhat relevant to the presentation so all you have to do is revise the presentation of those paragraphs to relate to your professional needs, goals, and ambitions. By doing that, you will develop a true motivational letter that focuses on your actual motivations, as opposed to this current version that does not truly focus on the motivational aspect of your interests.
