Engineering Job - AAS Supporting Statement: Question No. 1

Hi editors and experts, please correct my essay below.
Thank you.

The University of Melbourne application

I work at the OOOO (My institution) as an engineer in the Regional X Office. Integration and Automation of Services Towards Innovation 5.0 is the direction of OOOO development by implementing Artificial Intelligence (AI), Big Data, and Internet of Things (IoT). There is an urgent need for experts in AI Big Data, and IoT to develop those technologies. I am motivated to become one of the agents of change with the competence and skill by studying Master of Engineering. This program will complete my knowledge as a Bachelor of Applied Science in achieving practical skill dan management, and increase my confidence to propose innovative ideas to my institution that will be obtained during the study.

The University of Melbourne become my first preference to study the Master of Engineering (Electrical). The University of Melbourne is not only Australia's top university for Electrical Engineering but also offers an industry-aligned curriculum. The University of Melbourne also offers attractive courses, such as the internship course. This course will provide professional work experience, opportunity to learn about workplace culture, and strengthen the employability which can be applied to my institution. In the World Meteorological Organization (WMO) structure, The Bureau of Meteorology Australia is one of the three WMO Meteorological Centers with Melbourne as its headquarter. By studying at The University of Melbourne, I can take an internship course at Bureau of Meteorology which located in Melbourne not only to learn more about networking, automation, and integration weather equipment technology but also to learn organization management and connect me to potential networks that will benefit me going forward.

In conclusion, I believe that this is the best way to learn about technology, integration, and networking of weather equipment from Australia as a Regional Meteorological Center in the Asia Pacific.

Hi, i think you can sharpen your essay being more straightforward

Start with your elected program, why you choose it, what makes it different than other similar program, and how your program will help you advance your career.

And instead starting with master of engineering you can go straight in explaining master of engineering specialized on electrical or master of electrical engineering, whichever suits you best.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

@darklord30
Hello,
One thing I notice from your essay is that you say on the second paragraph that UniMelb is your first choice, but then you don't have the second choice of uni? I think you need to delete the word "first".

Your closing paragraph is also weak. You only restated what you have said in the previous paragraph. Try to use the characters available more wisely to deliver your intention better.

The first paragraph is more useful in the career goal statement response. The second paragraph should be more focused towards your career requirements. Not necessarily your promotion but rather your skills development. How does your interest in the internship program of the university apply to your current career requirements? Save the future response you have for the career goal essay as well. The proposed course and institution should discuss the applicability of the studies to your current career requirements. I do not get a feel of that in the statement. You are too future thinking in the statement when it requires a current aspirations and career requirements discussion.

Focus your response on specific career requirements that you fall short of. If you want to become a better Meteorologist, then explain what current skills you have to develop at the moment which led you to choose this particular course and institution. Since you do not have a second university choice, then exclude the sentence that indicates that this course and university is your first choice. Although suggested, you do not really need to present a secondary university if there is only one university offering your proposed masters course.