'engineering models' - Application Essay to MBA/MSE System Engineering Dual Program.

Hello,
and thank you for taking the time to read my essay. It is a first draft. The essay (500 words) needs to be a brief statement regarding my interest to the MBA/MSE System Engineering Dual Program. I need to include information regarding my preparation for the program specified. I'm allowed to send a resume along with the application. The current version is a longer than 500 words. Can you please help me make this essay better and more convincing?

I greatly appreciate your help.

Flavia

I am a young woman interest in engineering design. Becoming a scientist in the engineering field excited me ever since I was a young girl. Engineering is my calling.

During my undergraduate studies at University of California, Davis I have taken a variety of classes in Biology, Biomedical Engineering, Mechanical Engineering and Mathematics. I majored in Biomedical Engineering and minored in Education and Mathematics. With such diverse background, I am confident that I am prepared to face the challenges of graduate school.

I was always interested in finding out how the design of physical and mechanical systems is evaluated and brought to completion. The Mechanical and Biomedical Engineering courses - Dynamic and Static Interactions, Engineering Design Project, Integration of System Engineering - provided me with the first glimpse into the processes and interactions occurring in manufacturing a cost-efficient project. The two quarters I spend designing a new creepster crawler for Easter Seals Physiological Therapy Center gave me a chance to apply and further understand the concepts presents in these classes. It was exiting to see how the calculations and implementations my team and I made provided a valuable device in the aid of helping neuro-motor impairments become mobile at an early stage of their lives. This experience made me wanted to know and understand more about how models work and altered to meet the client's specifications and demands. Hence I want to study towards masters in MBA/MSE System Engineering Dual Degree at San Jose State University which is a great fit for me.

My background has molded me into the scholar I am and the perseverant female scientist I am in the process of becoming. As a young dedicated woman in the field of science, I bring diversity to the MBA/MSE System Engineering Dual Degree though my bicultural experience and approaches to research dilemmas. I want to represent the Romanian community within higher education programs. As part of a minority group, my dream of becoming a scientist will inspire young generations to pursue interests in the fields of science and engineering.

Patient and hard working, I am also extremely dedicated to my goal of playing a meaningful part in the struggle for planning proper and successful implementation of engineering models. I am also very strong in time management and prioritizing, which helps me to achieve what I aim to do. I feel strongly that the greatest contribution I can make is to participate in the ongoing quest for new, better ways to address the interdisciplinary field of engineering along side of cost-effective models. I have faith that advancements in the fields of System Engineering and Business will offer a new understanding of the coloration between favorable changes for the companies within the Silicon Valley area. As I have gained experience in all the tools available to me, I have become ever more drawn to research and collaboration with highly respected scientists and developers/designers.

Here is the last paragraph:

Although my precise career goals have yet to be refined, my interests include studying the tools for appropriately designing plans for system effectiveness. I am especially interested in doing graduate work at San Jose State University Extended Studies because of the way the off campus MBA/MSE System Engineering Dual Degree has distinguished itself with respect to mastery implementation of the business and engineering approach in Silicon Valley. I feel strongly that with the resources and advanced technological equipment available, I can contribute to expanding my knowledge of understanding system engineering through the program's efficient design and business coloration. I am a strong and dedicated woman, and I look forward to the challenges of graduate school. I want to thank you for your consideration of my application.

Hello again,

I have wrote the entire essay because I did not feel it address the business aspect of the graduate program. Below is a revised essay! Please help! It is only 507 words, only 7 words to cut out. thank you!

I was always interested in finding out how the design of physical and mechanical systems is evaluated and brought to completion. The Mechanical and Biomedical Engineering courses - Dynamic and Static Interactions, Engineering Design Project, Integration of System Engineering - provided me with the first glimpse into the processes and interactions occurring in manufacturing a cost-efficient project. The two quarters I spend designing a new creepster crawler for Easter Seals Physiological Therapy Center gave me a chance to apply and further understand the concepts presents in these classes. It was exiting to see how the calculations and implementations my team and I made provided a valuable device in the aid of helping neuro-motor impairments become mobile at an early stage of their lives. What I enjoy most about the developing and implementing world is being the agent of change. Entering a project with the specific charge of solving business problems through the application of technologies is both challenging and rewarding. I enjoy the process from beginning to end, from diagnosing the issue to overseeing the implementation of my suggestions, and finally hearing reports of the positive results of my contributions. Later in my career, I hope to use the many lessons consulting has to offer to start a venture of my own. This experience made me wanted to know and understand more about how models work and altered to meet the client's specifications and demands. Hence I want to study towards masters in MBA/MSE System Engineering Dual Degree at San Jose State University which is a great fit for me.

Recently, I began a transition away from the predominantly technical roles I've longed in the past to the business side of the technology sector. Strategy definition, business analysis, and client interaction were all aspects of business for which I am working, but they have never been my primary focus. Nevertheless, I began to recognize that these non-technical disciplines both appealed to my interests and engaged a variety of my strengths, from interpersonal skills to problem-solving capabilities. Moreover, my experience at Abaxis Inc. has shown me that I have valuable business instincts. But these skills require the refinement and development that an MBA program can provide, and combined with my in-depth technical knowledge, they will propel my career to new heights. Specifically, I have decided to pursue a future in business focusing on technology-related engagements.

Patient and hard working, I am also extremely dedicated to my goal of playing a meaningful part in the struggle for planning proper and successful implementation of engineering models. I am also very strong in time management and prioritizing, which helps me to achieve what I aim to do. I feel strongly that the greatest contribution I can make is to participate in the ongoing quest for more innovative ways to address the interdisciplinary fields of engineering along side of cost-effective models. I have faith that advancements in the fields of System Engineering and Business will offer a new understanding of the correlation between favorable changes for the companies within the Silicon Valley area.

Hello,

You were correct in that your first draft completely ignored the business aspect of the degree. With that being said, this dual degree is designed specifically for working adults. Are you currently working? If so, talk about that experience so that it validates your wanting to study for the MBA as well. -AAO