"To expand the horizon to Asian market" - MBA Application

Hello,

This is the first time I am writing an essay for my part-time MBA admission. Please help me to improve by providing your valuable comments. I overshot the word limit by few words (290 instead of 250), so please suggest wherever you feel I can reduce that.

Thanks in anticipation!

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What are your short-term and long-term career goals? (250 words)

I was brought up into being a very responsible person by a single mother working very hard to provide the basic necessities to her 3 children - good values, education and living standard. Seeing her, taught me to fight my own battles and be the best in what I do. After completing my formal education, I stepped into the professional world at an early age of 20 and gained diverse experience in different technologies as well as domains.

My short term goal is to apply my past experience, business acumen, technical edge and education to propose and oversee robust and cost effective engineering solutions, managing an effective team, experience key aspects of managing a business and achieve professional advances in my career.

My sense of ownership, responsibility, passion for learning and culmination of short term goals will help me achieve the long term goal: to be an entrepreneur and establish a consulting firm that focuses on providing efficient and highly scalable software solutions to clients based in the US, then eventually expanding to the Asian market. Coming from Indian origin, my business can benefit from my understanding of Asian as well as American culture.

Although my 10 years of professional experience helped me to mature and understand intricacies of business, in order to achieve my goals, I feel my leadership and management skills can be improvised by completing this program. I believe Langone MBA program from NYU-Stern can help me fulfill my dreams and become a well-rounded personality.

Hi pg..

I do not think a few words over the limit is going to make a lot of difference, unless 250 is a strict limit. Some nice ideas here, though it could be more refined.

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going! This is a cliche. Perhaps you could say that " My journey form childhood to the present has not been an easy one. My mother was struggling to meet ends meet...

Being in the professional world for 10 years, not only did I mature with learning and understanding the intricacies of different businesses like Airlines, Retail,

I would say something like. .. "My 10 years of professional experience caused my to mature, and also to understand the intricacies of different businesses like Airlines, , Retail, Banking and Legal. Along with the technical development I was part of a team... "

The exposure and my ever growing passion to learn and achieve more, helped me decide my long term goal
I would say "This exposure and my ever growing passion to learn...helped me decide upon my long term goal: to be an ...

I hope these suggestions help.

Mike

Hello Mike,

Thanks a lot for ur valuable suggestions, I made the changes accordingly.. and it helped me get rid of those few extra words too :)

I think 10% + / - on the word limit works. And I am a bit more than that. I will try to reduce it further..

Also, I read somewhere if you start ur essay with a picking quote or something, it makes a gud impact. is that true? tht's the reason i chose one to just jump start the whole introduction :).. Plz suggest, I wud be happy to make changes.

Another thing I felt was that my ending looked kind of unfinished. may be coz i was reading it over and over. Did you get the same feeling?

I appreciate all your help. Thanks !

- pg

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going! This is the saying that summarizes my entire journey from childhood till now.
Maybe if you put it this way, there will be a better nexus between the cliche and the information you are trying to pass out.

cliches are already boring, so they must be followed up by statements that engages the reader. so its not wrong to use cliches.

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going.This is one saying that can summarize my journey through life, From an impoverished childhood to a successful working professional! something like that.

I understand what you mean, but sometimes it is okay to use a familiar expression. Still, it is true that the essay would be better if it was totally original. Anyway, if you are going to use it, do not capitalize the words:

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going! T his is the saying...
When the going gets tough, the tough get going! This is the saying...


Very good! The most interesting part...

Okay, I guess this is my idea for you:
When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going! This is the saying that summarizes my entire journey from childhood till now. I always saw my mother struggling for existence being a single parent and trying to provide ------If you start with this sentence about your mother, it is unique and powerful.

That way, you'll reduce your word count and get rid of the common saying.
:-)

Take out the 2 words "very" at the beginning, and see how much better the sentence sounds. You can always make a sentence better by taking out "very."

Seeing her, Her example taught me to fight...

My short term goal is to apply my past experience, business acumen, technical edge and education to propose and oversee robust and cost-effective engineering solutions, managing manage an effective team, experience key aspects of managing a business, and achieve professional advances in my career.----Great sentence, but these are goals (plural) not a goal (singular). Also, I added a comma and fixed one of the verbs.

:-)

Thanks Kevin, I will make those changes.

One question - For the word limit, I went by the concept - if I have been given a budget of 1 million for a project and I am completing it in less than a million, its more preferrable. So similarly, although the word limit is 250, i am trying to use only 248 or so, is that a gud approach?

- PG

Yes, it does not need to be exactly 250! That would be hard to do...
But I don't think the comparison with a budget is appropriate. By that logic, it is best to write the essay in only 100 words, but that is not what to do here. The challenge is to to it in approximately 200 words. I think you are doing well!

:-)