I really need help in this particular essay. The university I am applying has asked me to write my goal of study and study plan. I would really appreciate if anyone could help me with this. I have a draft essay kindly find out my flaws and review it, Thank you.
the school of life sciences
A visit to a hospital once made me wonder as to why many people often fall sick and visit the doctor and run around clinics, while there are few who just stay fine and healthy even if they are down with the flu. Why does a white cast form above the wound in few minutes and sometimes eventually heal without any medications? Why only bees and butterflies suck nectar and how do we get energy from a meal or what happens to the body during starvation or how did life even emerge?
Questions like these never stopped coming across, but they grew along with me. My curiosity to learn more built up every day. Finally, all my questions were answered slowly and steadily when I was first introduced into a subject that is so vast and diverse, the ultimate study of life called, Biology. I always had a readiness to learn more about natural science and the world. The nature and every small living thing around me encouraged, inspired and motivated me to learn the subject profoundly and comprehensively.
The second year of engineering course was when I was familiarized with microbiology and this subjected fascinated the most to me. The interest was to such an extent that I started taking online classes and taught myself more by using reference books and sought guidance from professors. The following semester I was introduced to immunology and during the practical session was when I realized that I would pursue further in the field of Microbiology and Immunology.
As an international student in Korea, my first aim is to learn the language and clear TOPIK with high score. I have been teaching myself basic Korean during my summer break through the internet and I have recently joined a Korean language institute to learn it from the best. There is nothing that comes easy, I ensure to put in my whole effort to do my best and become proficient in the language.
Following which my main goal for graduate studies is to primarily work on refreshing my basics. In my graduate studies I wish to research on learning the functions and interactions between body cells during different diseases, especially in autoimmune diseases and also in neuroimmunology. As there are currently numerous new and existing cases of autoimmune disorders which requires experts in the field, who are capable of understanding the spreads of illness and utilize the theoretical knowledge into practicality.
I am also an ardent and a voracious reader, especially when it borders on life sciences. By broadening my horizon with the purpose of utilizing my knowledge, understanding level and skills of interest, I believe that through my graduate programme I will be able to engage in research in your university to gain a deeper understanding and approach and thereby enriching my passion in the field of Immunology.
Studying in the school of life sciences at XXX is one the top courses to pursue in South Korea. The ultimate criteria for selecting XXX is, it includes incredible teaching methodologies, highly respected and strong faculty member committee, facilities for research endeavors, diversity and guidance received. It would be my privilege to learn amongst such prominent researchers. I aim to utilize all the knowledge and information that I learn in my MS degree in a comprehensive manner which can then be applied into the field of Immunology, enabling me to reach my goal as an Immunologist.This comments are just some suggestions that may help you in the creation of a stronger essay. For the beginning I would start out something like this:
"A visit to a hospital made me wonder why many people tend to become sick while having to go to many different clinics seeing many doctors while there are others who appear to be healthy only encountering such illnesses as the flu". Then you could rearrange your questions to enhance the meaning of what you are attempting to discuss.
In paragraph four change "learn it from the best." to learn the language from those who know the language best. In that same paragraph change "There is nothing that ... in the language: to While most things do not come easy, I desire to put forth the needed effort to become proficient in the language......
In paragraph five you begin with "Following which my main goal ... my basics" could be changed to My primary goal is to study the basics or something along this line. The key to successful writing in academics is to focus on clarity as well as simplicity.
Itha20,
Looking through your essay, I think it's already better than a lot of others I have personally come across. However, study plans usually encompass more than just mentioning your background. You should consider adding more of a prospective approach to your study. This means talk about why their curriculum and the environment of their school can contribute to your growth - and your research plans in accordance to those. A lot of applicants for academic institutions simply focus on explaining their background and why they need to be part of the program. However, a lot of these universities would also be delighted to hear not just why you fit into the program - but also, how they can benefit from your research skills.
I love how you told a story from the beginning. Often, applicants forget that telling personal stories can contribute immensely to the overall process. Reviewers love hearing about you as an individual.
I do have a couple of notes for you, though:
1. I suggest working on your sentence structures. Some of them could be greatly reduced and shortened. This can make your essay easier to read, therefore the review can appreciate your word more.
2. You may also restructure the format of your essay in terms of placement of thoughts. What I mean by this is that the fourth paragraph can instead be the third or second because it serves as an introductory to your life in Korea. Having a sequence to follow or a timeline would help with the flow of structure. Of course, this depends to you. But I suggest experimenting more with the structure.
3. You could go back to your story to cap your essay. In the beginning, you were mentioning the impact of visiting hospitals for you on a personal level. You could utilize this story to create harmony for your paper.
Aside from these notes, I think you're on the right track for applications. Best of luck to you.
I think your essay is a little messy. I would recommend you add more life situations and reduce the number of common banal phrases.
