Hi guys, I need help to make the paper shorter but still a good paper. My paper is 635 words and I have to make the paper between 300-400 words. I truly need help. Thanks guys!!!
Question: Explain your interest in the major you selected. Describe an experience related to this area of study, what first introduced you to this field, and/or your future career goals. If you're applying to the Division of General Studies, explain your academic interests and strengths or your future career goals. You may include any majors or areas of study you're currently considering. Limit your response to 300 to 400 words.
UIC Application Essay
Thank God, my grandmother is alive. Little did I know that my last trip to India will re-inforce and transform my desire to be a doctor into a belief. That being a doctor is not merely about treating your patient but is also lot about the art of healing. That a doctor's role does not end at providing medical care but also helping patients cope with their moments of anxiety, fear and vulnerability.
Last summer, back in India I saw my grandmother battle ulcerative colitis. The disease took serious toll on her. Someone who was always a pillar of strength to us, was now an extremely weak and a frail figure. The excessive bleeding, crippling pain, strong medication and living a life which was a far cry from being normal broke her otherwise unfailing spirit.
While all of it was unbearable for her, it was difficult for the family too. Most of us in the family did not know much about the disease or how to deal with the situation. Finally we all turned to the doctor who was treating my grandmother. After a few weeks it seemed my grandmother developed a bond with the doctor. We realized that it was not just her physical condition that the doctor was dealing with but was also rendering the much needed emotional and psychological support. The doctor used the power of medicine and compassion to treat my grandmother. On his visits the doctor would spend time, talking to her, sometimes even help her with the tablets and the prescribed meals. In doing so he would constantly boost the morale of not only my grandmother but all of us as well. After a few day, we saw her respond better to the treatment. There was hope, optimism and conversation. The doctor sparked the much needed zeal that my grandmother needed to get back to a healthy life.
Even before I experienced all of this from close quarters, my earlier tryst with the field of medicine happened during my high school days. I would love watching health related shows like New York Med and Boston Med. These shows displayed the reality of what patients go through, how much concentration doctors must have, and how they communicate with patients during trying times. I would rarely give these shows a miss. I learnt that one key attribute of a good doctor is to be able to communicate with patients with care and respect.
Not stopping at that I decided to get a firsthand experience of dealing with patients at the Palos Heights Community Hospital. Every Saturday I would spend quality time with them in their room. I would be drawn to their concerns and such initial experiences set me on the path of reflection. The more time I spent with them the more I wanted to be of help. I felt that I had something important to share about the health and medical needs of people and thought of ways I could help as a result of these interactions.
As a doctor I want to ensure that good medical care transcends the barriers of money and profit. I want to value the dignity of the patient with an approach that places the need of the patient first over anything else. I want to be a doctor who moves beyond the care provided by pure medicine
Arjun, first up, please delete the reference to watching medical television serials in the essay. As everyone knows that the serialized medical dramas are more geared towards fiction and and exaggeration of real life hospital situations, it is best not to refer to that in your essay. It might make the reviewer think that you have a distorted view of a doctor's job and his role in the medical community in relation to patient treatment. It would be just as bad as telling someone, "I watch a lot of CSI so I want to become a cop." It's more fiction than reality.
Instead, you should concentrate on creating the backstory of your volunteer work at the Palos Heights Community Hospital. Give us a primer. What led you to volunteer at the hospital? Why did you think that volunteering would be a good experience or community service for you? What did you learn from the doctors there that had some serious impact on you? This is the part of the essay that can truly respond to the "what introduced" you to this field prompt. Make that volunteer paragraph your first paragraph then bring your grandmother story down to the second. Use that story as the supporting information that further led you to the field of medical science. It will work much better when formatted this way.
For your future goals, you talk about what it is you want to do a lot, but not how you plan to do it. Try to develop some career plans, no matter how fictional sounding it might be, that will convince the reviewer that you will become a different kind of doctor in the future and that you will somehow, change the face of patient treatment through the uniqueness of your practice.
Arjun, I know coming up with a decision to become a doctor took a while, reason I say this is because, as a doctor you will be on the clock 24/7, the lives of the patient is in your hand and of course, God forbid, if you loose any of your patient, the blame is in your hands too. Having said that, I SALUTE YOU, for taking this act of bravery and service to the community.
Now, before we get carried away to the future, let me share my thoughts on your essay.
- patient but is also lot about the art of healing.
- medical care but also in helping patients
- The disease took a serious toll on her.
- After a few weeks it seemed that my grandmother developed
- In doing so, he would constantly boost
- After a few days ,
- Not stopping at thatWith utmost spirit, I decided to get
There you have it Arjun, not much corrections to be done, I believe your essay is written pretty good.
For future reference, just make sure that you add linking verbs to your sentences, you seem to have forgotten they existed.
