Issue: Some people say that the government should put money on building theatres and sports stadiums. Others argue that they should spend more money on medical care and education. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Essay :
allocating national funds
Depending on one's own experience, lifestyle, and emotional concern, people have different views on the issue of the government should spend more money on medical care and education rather than on theatres and sports stadiums. From individual perspectives, all these things are important for people, therefore the government should allocate equal resources for both. There are valid arguments on both sides which we will discuss now before rendering my own opinion.
On the one hand, many people who are concerned with this issue set forth the view that basic medical care is very important for the general public. Should people are healthy, they can more work productivity. In particular, the people who live below the poverty line should receive medical aid when they needed. What is more, the elders who have paid taxes throughout their working life need good medical care.
There are some conspicuous factors a well-educated workforce is a key to the development of a country. This means adequate education facilities are well-developed. Perhaps the most impressive example of this is that a number of children from deprived backgrounds who get substandard education usually have manual and face financial difficulties, and as for those who join prestigious universities always have access to more and better job opportunities. What is more, an educated society has less crime and violence.
On the other hand, some people whose opinion is just the opposite assert that theatres and sports stadiums are equally crucial for people. To begin with, it is undeniable that theatrical shows provide entertainment for people to recharge their battery after finishing all types of work obligations and at the same time preserve our culture and tradition.
Last but definitely not least, it should be borne in mind that sports stadiums attract millions of spectators to watch matches every year and, some people would contend athletics can be practised with such constructions. In addition, a profit from theatres and sports stadiums is an effective renewable investment. Nothing could be more obvious than the evidence which is that people spend extra money for entertainments. Therefore, the government should not ignore them.
I firmly commit the notion that, judging from all reasons offered, it is not difficult to draw the conclusion the government should allocate resources for equally crucial these things.From individual perspectives, all these things are important for people, therefore the government should allocate equal resources for both. => not really clear, you should state that this is your perspective.
There are valid arguments on both sides which we will discuss now before rendering my own opinion. => ought not to use this, just need to note that you will discuss the issue before giving your own opinion.
I might understand the points of you in this essay. Nevertheless, your way of expressing them is not easy to track due to grammatical errors and unappropriate arrangement; an obvious example of this mistake is the third paragraph. You need to practice more on coherence and cohesion.
Another problem is that your usage of vocabulary also needs adjustment. There are various problems in terms of words that can lower your band score.
Last but not least, try to write your essay in just 4 paragraphs, including an introduction, 2 body paragraphs and a conclusion. In each body, you have to state your opinion before explaining it and give examples. In the conclusion, you must paraphrase the topic again and give your opinion about the issue.
Hope this can help you, mate.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,844 
4785 Nguyen, a well developed essay that properly discusses the required information as required by the prompt will total 5 paragraphs covering the following:
1. The paraphrased discussion statement;
2. First opinion;
3. Second opinion;
4. Personal opinion;
5. Concluding statement.
Following the above format will cover all of the necessary discussion requirements of the essay. Depending upon the demands of the prompt, an essay will cover anywhere from 3-4 paragraphs. There is no set rule regarding the number of paragraphs. It varies depending upon prompt expectations.
Your essay is extremely difficult to follow due to the fact that you only present reasons without supporting facts. The lack of coherence and cohesiveness in your discussion will you lost points in your essay. Limit each paragraph to only one reason that is supported by at least 3 more sentences explaining the reason you indicated. That accurately develops the paragraph and falls within the required number of sentences.
The biggest mistake in your essay is that you decided to limit your personal opinion to a single line in your closing statement. The personal opinion must be as well developed as the other paragraphs in order to be accepted as a logical line of reasoning in your essay. With this mistake, you further lost significant points that could have helped you pass this test. A closing statement is just that, a summary of the discussion within 3-5 sentences that does not introduce a personal opinion or new ideas as the introduction of any of those discussions will lead to an extended essay discussion on a paragraph basis instead.
