'great investment for my future' - Motivation Letter for MSc in Data Science

Hello everyone, I am currently going through application process for MSc data science. Could you please help me on grammar and punctuation errors and also provide me suggestions on this motivation letter? Whoever's willing to help me, thank you so much in advance.

MOTIVATION LETTER - MS DATA SCIENCE APPLICATION

My name is [MY-NAME] and I am a citizen of Turkey. I finished my bachelor's degree in Computer Engineering at [MY-SCHOOL] in Turkey. Currently, I want to enhance my knowledge by enrolling for a graduate program in order to meet my academic and career goals. I would like to submit my name for consideration for the master's program in Data Science.

My four year undergraduate program in Computer Engineering has formed the basis for my interest towards achieving in-depth knowledge in the area of Machine Learning. The curriculum has introduced me to a wide variety of courses including but not limited to programming, artificial intelligence, pattern recognition, formal languages, data structures among others provided me a strong background in Computer Engineering. My interest in machine learning and data science became clear and my passion for developing quality software strengthened during my first internship.

I started my first internship after my sixth semester; and this where I fell in love. My work and my mentor inspired me to learn something new about the computer science industry every day. In addition, my mentor expanded my perspective significantly and made me realize that computer science is more than just building fancy looking apps for big paychecks by giving me daily research tasks. During my research, I understood how processing the data to build models which will be used for their predictive capabilities will impact on our everyday life. The concepts such as "Big Data", "Internet of Things" have become progressively more intriguing, and I have finally decided to pursue a master's degree in order to achieve in-depth knowledge in Data Science. One other motivation is I learned how interacting with people that come from different backgrounds but have a similar passion for building the future, contributed to my personal development. Hence, I believe the [TARGET-SCHOOL]'s environment will help me develop even further.

My short term goal is to get proper education and gain industry experience in data science. Thus, I can take a solid step into my long term goal which is to start a company and contribute to the further development of my country and the world. The lack of data rarely an issue; mountains of it are collected every single second, and we are beginning to understand the potential it have. I'm excited to think about a future where data-driven decisions become more and more commonplace all around the world.

Germany is one the first countries that come to mind when we talk about technology and engineering. Pursuing a Master's Degree in Data Science at the [TARGET-SCHOOL] will be a big milestone in my career advancement considering its international reputation in delivering high quality education. Also the [TARGET-SCHOOL] is situated in a region with more than 40 research institutions and [LOCATION]'s lively start-up scene can be beneficial for an industry internship. It also has many collaborations with both local and foreign universities. The opportunity to learn German is also a thrill and an excellent addition to my learning experience.

I look forward to attending the [TARGET-SCHOOL] because it will give me the opportunity to do something that engages me. Contributing to the university through my skills and enthusiasm while becoming a part of [TARGET-SCHOOL]'s vibrant student community is excite me. I believe that continuing my studies in this university will be a great investment for my future. I look forward to your positive response. Thank you for your time and consideration.

While the formality of your introductory paragraph was clear-cut, I recommend mixing it up a little bit with descriptive sentiments of why you want to partake in this program. You mentioned that you would want to meet your long-term goals through enrolling in the program; you can perhaps expound that through being more specific. Introduce right off the bat that this is the specific university that you have been looking at to enroll in. Mention how excited you are about their curriculum. Doing this will set you apart because a lot of applicants simply mass enroll in multiple universities for their studies without necessarily targeting a particular one. If you can be more specific to this application, the better it would be for your application.

In terms of structure and grammar, I would revise the following:
My four-year undergraduate program [...] of my interest in achieving in-depth knowledge in the area of Machine Learning. [...] My interest in these fields became clear; and my passion for quality software development strengthened during my first internship.

In the next paragraph, it would be appreciate if you could make mention of who this mentor is. If you personalize the essay this way, it would make your intentions clearer in the application materials.

In addition, consider the following revisions:
[...] Both my work and mentor have inspired me to continuously learn about the industry. In addition, my mentor expanded my perspective through showing me that computer science is more than just building fancy looking applications for big paychecks. I was dedicated daily research tasks that helped me understand data processes in model-building that have predictive capabilities to be used in our everyday life. [...]

I suggest that you create an entire different paragraph for your discussion on how the diversity of backgrounds has influenced you to interact with people more. If you wish to correlate this to the environment of your prospective university, you have to first discuss your observations on how they conduct socio-cultural relations among their students. Once you have established this, you can conclude easier how its environment would assist you in developing these interpersonal skills.

The next paragraphs are sufficient in relaying these information. I would only then recommend that you try your best to be more specific when you are discussing the program itself.

Best of luck.

Thank you so much Maria!
This is really helpful. I will make those changes.