"The grit and the tenacity I possess" - SOP for Computer Science Network Security

Hi ,
I have written my SOP for my admission at Graduate level course.
This is my first draft so expecting a lot of advice from seniors.
Please comment and provide your feed back.
Thanks in advance.

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----SOP----

Name: SivaSrinivas Amara
Specialization sought: Network Security and Software Development

STATEMENT OF PURPOSE

At present days Internet is a virtual world and data travels in an unimaginable way through air, Network Security has become a major concern in recent years. Hackers are after the data to gain access to sensitive data, disable applications and administer other malicious activities aimed at the software application. The need to secure an application or website is imperative for use in today's world. We are seeing so many security breaches like Lulz Security attacks, Sony Play Station hacking, which ... [..]

Hei there! :3

At present days, Internet is(/represents) a virtual world andwhere data travels (in an unimaginable way)almost inconceivably through the air,. (Network Security has become a major concern) iI n recent years it has become the target forH ackers who(are after the data )are searching for ways to gain access to sensitive data , as a result disableing certain applications and administering (/activating) other malicious activities(/features) aimed at the software application. The need to secure an application or website is imperative for use in today's world. We are seeing so many security breaches like Lulz Security attacks, Sony Play Station hacking, which are due to(/the result of poor network security.

Since my strong programming skill and excellence in mathematics will be best utilized in the field of computer science field, made my dream creating an application or website with complete security as my career goal. (this sounds too complicated)(Since I have eminent programming skills and I excel at mathematics, my career goal is to create an application or website with solid, unbreakable security.)

It was induring my high school years that I couldhave realizedthe thing that we were not only surrounded by air only , but also by millions of chunks of data revolveing around us. When I looked at the mobilesphones or computers -which are(/were) the human beings in this(/of the) Internet world-, I was really fascinated about how they communicated through the cables and air. With this interest of computers and their network, I decideed to pursu e my under graduationa career in the field of computers field sciences. With my strong(/outstanding) knowledge in subjects like ... and especially in mathematics, I have achieved a very good rank in the engineering entrance exam and, being therefore able to continue my studiessucceeded in securing admission for my under graduation in Computer Science and Engineering inat the esteemed S.R.K.R Engineering College.

When I was introduced to the computer world in my under graduationte courses I was very much interested aboutin programming.aA s programmers are the gods of the internet world,andI dreamed about developing my ideas with programming. Then I decided to combine my two interests'in mathematics and programming andto create applications/websites with my ideas and provide secure data transmission with the invention of new cryptographic algorithms. But after being(/working)within the software industry for 2 years, I havehad realized the limitations of my struggle to implement my ideas and to make a considerable difference here. So I have understood(/knew) that a Master's Degree coupled with my industrial experience would guide me in satiating my hunger for knowledge.

The curriculum at my Undergraduate Cc ollege exposed me to the entire gamut of computer courses like Operating Systems, Computer Programming, Object Oriented Programming, Data Structures, Principles of Programming Languages, and Object Oriented Software Engineering etc. To excel in creating websites/applications with secure data transmission - which is my interest after all- , I did a research project on data transmission using the TCP protocol and analyzing developed websites like Net-Banking and e-Shopping. I started my professional career with Manual Testing. But later my manager recognized my interest in programming when I developed the 'Selenium Conversion Tool' and got the appreciation from Vice President of Quality Assurance, gavegiving me the opportunity to be part of the 'Java Selenium Framework' development. WithConsidering my own interest, I took the initiationintitaitive to introduce automation in FTD Company which is a sister company of UNTD,. I managed todid complete the automation project and thus reduce the manual work with about 40% for every release.

Having come so far in the learning curve(/with my learning) , I feel the need to specialize and receive intensive training in the field of my interest.and hence aA graduate degree will givesme the blend of right knowledge and confidence to achieve my career objective. The graduate program at NCSU is known for its excellent research opportunities it offers to its students and I would consider it mya privilege to be able to pursue my graduate studies at your esteemed university. The Computer Science Department at your esteemed university ideally suits my career interests. At NCSU, I expect to meet aspiring new individuals with diverse personalities and intelligent academia that would inspire me to stretch my abilities and broaden my thinking horizon. The grit and the tenacity I possess lead me to be(/make me) a person merited to match the high academic standards set by your university(this sentence sounds weird)(My experience in this field, as well as my grit and my tenacity lead me to believe that I meet your academic standards) . I hope my credentials as indicated above will be actively considered for my admission at your prestigious Uu niversity.

I am no senior, so you better wait for a second opinion; however I tried my best.
Congratulations on all your work and I wish you best luck at getting into NCSU! :D

I like that suggestion at the beginning: REPRESENTS is a good word to use instead of IS.

I think you should use THE with Internet.

At present, the Internet represents...

Here is a way to fix this complicated one:
Since My strong programming skill and excellence in mathematics will be best utilized in the field of computer science field, and this makes me want to create an application or website with complete security.

:-) I think the specific goals are so impressive!!

Having come so far in the learning curve, I feel the need to specialize and receive intensive training in the field of my interest and hence a graduate degree gives the blend of right knowledge and confidence to achieve my career objective.---I like the rhythm of this sentence, but it does not really say anything! I mean, it does not tell the reader anything she does not already know. Try to mention at least 5 short-term goals. Stay specific as you give the reader a glimpse of your future.

Capitalize Internet. It's a proper noun. Welcome to EssayForum!

weak*

As a result, it has become the easy target for Hackers hackers ----Do not capitalize that word. It is not a proper noun.

It was during my high school years that I have realized that we were not... HAVE does not go with the past tense. If you say, "I have learned..." that is a different verb tense.

When I was introduced to the computer world in my undergraduate courses I was very much interested in programming. As programmers are the gods of the Internet world, I dreamed about ---very interesting style!!!

Use a hyphen:
The well-framed course structure and the ...

:-)


Excellent idea... these are the components of your plan. They set you apart. As for where you mention them... you have to artfully incorporate them. If you use part of the essay to share your plan with the reader, it will inspire the reader. We all appreciate it when someone gives us some inspiration...


I don't know if it is necessary to mention dreams or career goals. This sentence refers to a career goal. It goes without saying, and that is powerful... so maybe you can keep it as it is?

When I was introduced to the computer world in my undergraduate courses I was very much interested in programming. As programmers are the gods of the Internet world, I dreamed about developing my ideas with programming. Then I decided to combine my two interests' in mathematics and programming to create applications/websites and provide secure data transmission with the invention of new cryptographic algorithms. But after working in the software industry for 2 years, I had realized the limitations of my struggle to implement my idea as well as short term goal, creating a website 'mybusinesscard.com' having features of storing contacts as Business Cards, Bookmarks Storage and Online SMS and to make a considerable difference here. So I knew that a Master's Degree coupled with my industrial experience would guide me in achieving my goals and satiating my hunger for knowledge.

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I have incorporate the website idea in the above para. Is it make sense?

Is this one short term goal is enough?
As research assistant-ship will be many one's short term goal and also for universities there is a constraint that SOP should not be more than 500 words, so I concerning about that to mention or not.