Hello,
this is my first draft for a statement of purpose. The assignment is below, it is pretty generic like other types of questions. I would appreciate any feedback.
Assignment :
The Statement of Purpose should be a concise, well-written statement about an applicant's academic and research background, career goals, and how this graduate program will help meet career and educational objectives.
My essay:
My hunger for knowledge is insatiable. As a small child I always asked my parents to buy me encyclopedias instead of toys or video games. My curiosity was never constrained to a particular topic, but ranged from the history of man to the development of nuclear plants. Almost twenty years later and having been exposed to various types of science and liberal arts, I have come to the decision to pursue a career as a mechanical engineer and entrepreneur. Thanks to the mental and financial support of my parents I find myself before the opportunity to advance my studies in a graduate school and I plan to take full advantage through the excellent education offered at the University of XXXX.
While applying to undergraduate programs, I found it difficult to choose a major. I decided to sign up for Physics and History because at the time I was most passionate about both fields and had taken the respective advanced placement courses at my high school. However, after my freshman year I knew that neither was right for me; the sophomore level courses in physics were too abstract while history did not have the career perspective I was looking for. I had to reevaluate what my interests and options were and I chose Mechanical Engineering because its variety of subfields complemented my eagerness to learn about all applied sciences.
Ever since my first academic year in the program and the restoration of my father's old car during the following summer, I have not looked back on my decision to become a mechanical engineer. My courses in Thermodynamics, Strength of Materials and Dynamics intrigued and challenged me to the point that upon returning home for the summer I purchased and started reading the textbooks for next semester's courses. Concurrently and with the help of my father I was working on his old Mazda RX-7 which he promised to give me if I showed the necessary ambition and dedication. Despite the month long repairs, in the end I was proud that I had learnt how to replace my brakes and brake lines, my water pump and, to my biggest interest, how to calibrate my throttle and engine control system. As a result, I had not only gained an invaluable introduction to automotive technology but found an exciting direction for future studies.
In order to contribute significantly to the field of automotives and transportation, I will need a strong academic background. My preparations to address the current issues in this industry, i.e. low engine efficiency, high emissions, etc. have begun in my design and heat transfer courses. On a coursework level, I received a thorough academic introduction to design of mechanical assemblies which I plan on complementing with the courses on Internal Combustion Engines (XXX) and Automotive Engineering (XXX). In my sixth semester I began research in the Non-Newtonian Fluid Dynamics Lab at my university where I study water droplet motion across superhydrophobic surfaces. The professor and the graduate student with whom I worked gave me the necessary skills to work independently and I am proud to say that my work has led to a publication ("Two dimensional microfluidics devices for sorting, mixing and analyzing droplets" submitted to Lab on Chip on Sept. 23rd, 2011) and to my undergraduate thesis which will be completed at the end of January.
Although I will leave my undergraduate program with a strong engineering background, my academic objectives extend to a masters and a doctoral degree. In order to achieve the standards that I have set for myself a more thorough education will be imperative. Research in the automotive field would be optimal, but I would cherish working in the area of design as well. In addition to an engineering curriculum, it is of great interest to me to expand my knowledge in engineering management and entrepreneurship. The successful completion of a minor in the field and a second place in the XXX Innovation Challenge with a project on reconfigurable nanofabric have only inspired me to deepen my knowledge on business and its correlation to engineering. While I am attracted to earning a MBA after a PhD, the coursework as well as the time and financial commitment associated make it a difficult decision. Ultimately, my goal is to be a professional engineer with executive powers. In my opinion, achieving this goal would allow me to contribute the most to the industry and provide me with a solid financial basis.
There are numerous institutions where I will be able to realize my educational objectives, but few which can match the resources available at the University of XXXX. The myriad of courses along with the expertise of the faculty make the mechanical engineering department a dream for me. The faculty members whose research I would be most interested in contributing to are Dr. XXX, Dr. XXX, or Dr. XXX, in order of preference. However, I will consider any opportunity to participate in the research done at Your university as a great honor and approach my work with the passion and effort it deserves to match the challenging standards.
I would like to thank the admissions committee and all other readers for their time.
My hunger for knowledge is insatiable. As a small child I always asked my parents to buy me encyclopedias instead of toys or video games. My curiosity was never constrained to a particular topic, but ranged from the history of man to the development of nuclear plants. Almost twenty years later and having been exposed to various types of science and liberal arts (Doesn't really flow well?) , I have come to the decision to pursue a career as a mechanical engineer and entrepreneur. Thanks to the mental and financial support of my parents, I find myself before the opportunity to advance my studies in a graduate school and I plan to take full advantage through the excellent education offered at the University of XXXX.
While applying to undergraduate programs, I found it difficult to choose a major. I decided to sign up for Physics and History because at the time I was most passionate about both fields and had taken the respective advanced placement courses at my high schoolLong sentence! . However, after my freshman year I knew that neither was right for me; the sophomore level courses in physics were too abstract while history did not have the career perspective I was looking for. I had to reevaluate what my interests and options were.A nd I chose Mechanical Engineering, because its variety of subfields complemented my eagerness to learn about all applied sciences.
Ever since my first academic year in the program and the restoration of my father's old car during the following summerIt is a bit lengthy , I have not looked back on my decision to become a mechanical engineer. My courses in Thermodynamics, Strength of Materials and Dynamics intrigued and challenged me to the point that upon returning home for the summer I purchased and started reading the textbooks for next semester's courses. Concurrently and with the help of my father I was working on his old Mazda RX-7 which he promised to give me if I showed the necessary ambition and dedication. Despite the month long repairs, in the end I was proud that I had learnt how to replace my brakes and brake lines, my water pump and, to my biggest interest, how to calibrate my throttle and engine control system. As a result, I had not only gained an invaluable introduction to automotive technology but found an exciting direction for future studies.
I think, overall, your essay is very good! It's very interesting! Pay attention to long sentences and punctuation!
