My interest in the retail business

What is your career goal and why?

Can you please edit my introduction to make it stronger. This is the introduction:

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Growing up, I witnessed my father transform a loosing business into a successful one. After he split with his partner, he was left with one shop and a mountain of debts. Instead of saving to try and close his debts, he went against all odds and took huge risks and loans to expand the business. Today, it has become one of the largest retail businesses in the city. I knew back then that my goal was to one day follow his example, and continue building what he started.

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I'm sure that you witnessed your father do other things with the business that encouraged you to enter into business yourself. What were these things that you witnessed? In these, you will find the strength for your introduction.

That is a great idea, I think. I'm talking about Mark's idea to tell the specifics about what you have learned.

I also want to suggest a direction for you to take. In an argumentative essay a common practice is to 'refute the counter argument"... do you know what that means? This is not an argumentative essay, but I think you can artfully take this approach:

People arguing that you are not seriously committed to this goal might say that you are a different person and that you might not actually be interested in what he was interested in. Can you make an argument about how you became serious about business? Can you tell about many of the ideas and interests that make you DIFFERENT from your father? Let the reader enjoy this story of a family legacy.