Hello,
I am in the process of writing a personal statement for an MBA application and am in need of some proof readers and constructive criticism. Any help anyone can provide is greatly appreciated. The word count is suppose to be approximately 500 words. I am currently sitting at 800. I need to make the writing more concise and flow better.
The Essay requirements are: Personal Statement (A statement, approximately 500 words, that identifies your academic goals, career objectives, why you are applying to this program, and the qualifications you have that make you a strong candidate for this program.)
MBA Essay:
Introduction??? (Still trying to come up with a catchy introduction and conclusion)
Since beginning my pursuit of higher education in 1999, my academic goals have morphed from the simple; desire to pass a class with an "A" or "B", to more discernible and personal aspirations. One, more predictable, goal that I have for my pursuit of an MBA is to acquire the knowledge necessary to make sound business decisions and increase my overall business acumen. While I have gained an elementary understanding of some concepts through my civil service career, I still feel it is essential to gain a wider insight and understanding of concepts such as business strategy, management theory, accounting economics and finance. Additionally, I desire to be challenged during my pursuit of an MBA. Not only... [...]
Greetings !
The essay is poorly constructed, displaying flaws in understanding of some of the material. There are some omissions or inaccuracies. The essay may not be fully focused on the question asked.There may be a failure to address the question as asked but the essay does show some understanding of the topic or the question is addressed, at least in part, but there are serious errors and/or omissions that indicate poor understanding.The essay shows a clear lack of understanding with major errors and omissions. There is little attempt to address the question.No serious attempt has been made to answer the question asked.
You may express how do you utilise the MBA qualification to enhance your career prospect and how do you contribute to human beings in general or specefic. Introduction and conclusion must have topic sentence. There are many samples on google. You may access and read, thus you will get some ideas to attempt this work.
Regards
Isai,
Good evening. I truly appreciate your response but I need some clarification on your dialog. The entire first paragraph seems to be cut and pasted from various essay grading criteria scales. The wording you used in the first paragraph matches word for word other sites on the internet. In short, the whole paragraph indicates that I am not even close to answering the question of the essay.
Looking back at the essay guidance it states the following: "The Essay requirements are: Personal Statement (A statement, approximately 500 words, that identifies your academic goals, career objectives, why you are applying to this program, and the qualifications you have that make you a strong candidate for this program.)"
I addressed the topics of academic goals, career objectives, reasons why I am applying to the program and the qualifications that I have which make me a strong candidate for the program. I recognize that I need to work on the flow of the essay and show some clear examples of how I feel the program will meet my academic and career goals but I did not think the essay was as bad as you indicate. What I took away from your response was that I am better off starting from scratch, searching google for samples to get better ideas.
Maybe I am expecting too much from the forum. I was expecting more specific information on how I could improve. Can you offer some more detailed recommendations?
Greetings !
Those criteria also we use in our College. That is professional Development & Reasearch / Admission criteria. Generally criteria we can use for professional papers. You may find it on google.
I read your entire essay. Of course you met the requirement. As an MBA student / applicant you need to talk more into how do you contribute if you have MBA qualification to the employer , human being and how do you utilise the knowledge. If you are BOD , the person with MBA qualification applied for a job in your organisation, what is your expectation? Please think wisely... If I offer you an admission for MBA Program, you must be innovative and integerity. Express your innovation and integerity in your essay. I have many samples on MBA admission. All I collected from Google. Please access google for you to get more ideas. You are writing a supporting profile to get the admission. It must be truly express and impress. A person who has an MBA , a person can solve business problems. It could be any problems. Try to intregrate your current expreriance as well. Somehow it helps. Look at the global issues. Via MBA qualification , how do you able to solve? You need a specific knowledge for certain global issues. Be tactful and find an amicable solution. The same applications cannot be applied. Find a different tool to solve the problem. Am i right ? Correct me if i am wrong.
This is my general view. Please put your self into readers' position.
Regards
To make it concise, wait a few days after writing the first draft and then look at it objectively. Trim away everything that comes before the first powerful sentence:
The world of the federal government today is a rapidly changing and uncertain one in which with many challenges. must be met by our organizations in order to be successful. Experiences in my civil service career have served to create my personal vision for my organization that centers around a renewed focus on the customer, the organization, people, technology we manage, and continuous improvement. I have a strong desire to lead and produce significant change within my organization in order to facilitate and realize this vision. In the short term, I plan to pursue a mid level management position within my organization allowing me to lead and affect this change locally while serving to create a forum to do the same on a national level though exposure to national level leadership. Ultimately, I desire to affect a global change across my organization by entering into the U.S. Senior Executive Service.
I think this is a stronger first paragraph.
Paragraph 2:
While I have gained an elementary understanding of some concepts through my civil service career, I still feel it is essential...
And you can make the sentences BETTER by making them simpler. Complex sentences are not good, because they take up too much of the reader's time:
One could argue that c Choosing to apply to Kelly Direct MBA program based solely on the fact that it is ranked, as one of the best MBA programs in the US as well as the world would be a good decision. However, I didn't want to just pursue a MBA from a highly ranked school; I wanted to ensure that the program I chose would provide the experiences and education necessary to realize my academic and career aspirations. I was blessed to pursue my Masters in engineering from a school that emphasized applied learning and practical application of academic concepts. All this is fluff. In any decent program you'll get applied learning. All this stuff is fluff because it does not explain anything about your specific aspirations.
I was elated to find the same approach anchored in the Kelly Direct MBA. The level of engagement through the interactive instruction of courses, Kelly Connect Weeks and focus on teaming is very impressive. ----I could write that, and I don't know anything about the school. It sounds like an empty thing to say... I think you should look at the essay and ask yourself, "What does this paragraph accomplish?"
Ask that about every paragraph.
You'll come up with a list of maybe 10 things you accomplish in the essay. Go back and eliminate content that does not accomplish anything important. The most important thing to accomplish is to show that you already have a detailed plan with short term goals, and show that you are actively reading and studying modern business concepts related to the interests you'll pursue in the program.
:-)
...well as purchased, renovated and sold two homes.
(start a new paragraph)
I was also employed fulltime and maintained a high level of...
As you revise, try to "say it in fewer words," whatever it is. Compared to the content people are used to reading these days, this is a little longwinded.
I was told the other night that the character limit on this personal statement is no longer relative so I have not tried to reduce that. However, I have restructured the essay quite a bit and would appreciate your professional reviews again.
Abigail Adams wrote; "Learning is not attained by chance; it must be sought for with ardor and attended to with diligence." A dedication to the pursuit of learning throughout my life has blessed me with many interesting experiences and opportunities. Throughout this journey the goals that I aspire to achieve and the means to achieve those goals have changed many times. With each turn of the page into a new chapter of life comes a new challenge, a new opportunity, a new aspiration. For some time, I've desired to become an effective, dynamic leader within my organization. With my promotion into program management and subsequently obtaining my Masters in Engineering, this aspiration has become even more profound. I have concluded that a Kelly Direct MBA is ideally suited for my personal and professional development, giving me the skills I need to achieve my desire.
Perusing the Kelly Direct website, attending online information sessions, talking to staff and current students as well as watching video testimonials from alumni has made me extremely eager to become a member of the Fall 2011 MBA entering class.
Being accepted into an MBA program that will provide a high quality business education is my foremost academic goal. I want my MBA to be much more then just another entry on my resume. I want to gain the knowledge and skills to substantially increase my business acumen. Researching the bios of the faculty as well as listening to the experiences, accomplishments and reflections of alumni, is evidence that Kelly Direct will deliver the high quality education I seek.
Similarly, I desire to be challenged both academically and in ways that question traditional wisdom. I have found that Kelly Direct does not offer just some "run of the mill" MBA, and there is certainly no love lost between the on campus and online versions of the program when it comes to academic rigor. Therefore there is no doubt that this program will challenge me. I also see the Kelly Connect weeks and team focus of the program providing a great deal of diversity. These activities cause the meshing of individuals and ideas from diverse ethical and corporate cultures. Consequently removing us from the comfort zones we are used to, thus promoting and encouraging thinking "outside of the box".
In addition to my academic goals I also have strong aspirations for my career. The definition and form of these aspirations have changed many times. However, I have finally learned that there is a irrefutable difference between chasing the rungs of the corporate ladder and pursuing what you are truly passionate about. Pursing my passion is my career goal; and I plan to use the Kelly Direct MBA to the fullest extent possible to do just that.
For as long as I can remember I have been bestowed with an overwhelming sense of uneasiness and curiosity. These feelings have lead to a desire to continually pursue personal enrichment of others as well as myself. By pulling that thread, I have found that a true passion of mine is leading change; and change within my organization is most certainly needed. There are many challenges that must be met by my organization that it has never faced before. To meet these challenges I have developed a vision that centers around a renewed focus on the customer, the organization, the technology we manage, our people, and continuous process improvement. This vision serves to create a better environment for both our customers and people. To achieve this vision I need to be in a position that will allow me to affect and lead the necessary change. Moving into mid level management and eventually, as a senior executive will allow me to do just that. However, I will need the business acumen obtained from my Kelly MBA to operate effectively in these environments.
Another passion I plan to pursue is the starting of my own construction company. I know; it maybe a little odd, but I always had a passion for and thoroughly enjoy construction and renovation work. This endeavor entails the starting of my own business as well as all of the contract and regulatory requirements that come with entering this field. The business education acquired from my Kelly MBA will most certainly help. Though I feel the counsel and guidance I can reach out for from the lifetime professional relationships and friendships obtained during my time at Kelly Direct will serve to be even more valuable.
While the Kelly Direct MBA program will provide me with the experience and skills necessary to achieve my academic and career goals, I will also bring to the program some things in return.
During my career and volunteer activities I have repeatedly been recognized for my drive, energy, leadership, persistence and overall ability to "get the job done" My positive attitude, outlook and emotional intelligence has always served to keep team moral up and projects moving in the right direction. I feel these traits as well as my personality are well suited for the Kelly Direct MBA program and specifically the team based learning format.
My background will also add to the diversity of the Fall 2011 entering Kelly Direct MBA class. Specifically, I will add to the diverse academic backgrounds of the class through my degrees in computer science and engineering. Likewise, my experience in the military, DoD, aviation, the Navy and civil service will serve to enrich the already diverse professional background of the class even further
The ability to handle stress, manage time and persevere through adversity is something else I bring to the program. Between 2003 and 2010 I pursued and obtained both my undergraduate and graduate degrees. I accomplished 50% of my undergraduate and 100% of my graduate studies online. During this time I was blessed with the addition of two little girls, became a single parent, as well as purchased, renovated and sold two homes. I was also employed fulltime and continued to maintain a high level of performance with my present employer being promoted three times and receiving 12 performance/special achievement awards.
Giving back through volunteering has always been a belief of mine. For example, I have recently served as president of my daughters school PTO. During this time I lead the organization to be incorporated at the state and federal levels as well as obtained the classification of a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization through the IRS. I have also enjoyed coaching multiple youth sports teams including softball and soccer as well as serving on DoD wide task force groups without compensation.
Additionally, recent accomplishments I have made will not only assist in adding to the diverse experience of the class but also the personal insight that I bring. For instance, I was recently selected out of 900 people in my organization to be apart of the US Graduate School Executive Leadership Program. Applicants to this program are selected based on a committee's assessment of their leadership and management potential. The year long program immerses me with other selectees across the federal workforce and focuses on developing leadership competencies through curriculum and shadowing of senior level executives.
I was also formally invited and briefed the Chief of Naval Operations Executive Panel on my work with implementing and managing agile software development methods to teams across my organization. This panel included a Harvard University professor, a former assistant secretary of state, the vice president of Apple Inc. Asia, former president of Walt Disney Imagineering and the CEO of DiversityInc.
Those words of Abigail Adams hold a very special meaning to me. The overwhelming passion and determination I have to learn and in life have allowed me to achieve the things I have. There has not been one thing I have set out to accomplish with these feelings and failed to do so. Choosing to pursue a Kelly Direct MBA is no different. If granted admission; I WILL succeed. I will make the staff and faculty of the Kelly Direct program proud of me both during and into the future after my MBA endeavor.
Stephen,
There is not much of you in the essay. As a result, it's dull. That may be a little harsh, but it's true.
You've been blessed with interesting experiences and opportunities. What student hasn't had a few? Tell me the specifics of one, and you might have something worthy of an introduction. You've done some remarkable things. Share one.
The Adams quote doesn't do much for me. Education doesn't happen by chance; you have to work at it. Who disagrees with that? Unless you can relate it directly to something specific that shows extraordinary effort on your part, the intro isn't connected to anything and therefore sucks.
Throughout your journey your goals and the means of achieving them have changed many times. How many other applicants do you think that is true of? If the answer is all (and I think it is) then the sentence conveys that you are just like every other applicant. Not a winning strategy, my brother.
With each turn of the page into a new chapter of life comes a new challenge, a new opportunity, a new aspiration. Is that true of every other applicant? Yep. Does it tell me anything that I did not know about you before I read it? Nope.
For some time, I've desired to become an effective, dynamic leader within my organization. Few prospective MBAs are striving to be undynamic followers. What part of your organization do you want to lead? How specifically would your MBA help you do that? The way this is written now positions you as not effective and not dynamic, so at the very least, you ought to put more before effective and dynamic. Better still, write a specific answer to the questions I'm asking and include it.
Perusing the Kelly Direct website, attending online information sessions, talking to staff and current students as well as watching video testimonials from alumni has made me extremely eager to become a member of the Fall 2011 MBA entering class. Again, I presume you want to come since you are applying. The personal statement should explain the reasons why you feel that way. What was it that you saw or heard that impressed you? What did you ask current students and what impressed you about what they said? How does that connect to your purpose for applying?
Similarly, I desire to be challenged both academically and in ways that question traditional wisdom. How many other applicants want to be fed the traditional wisdom for 50K a year? Again, it's nothing that isn't true of every applicant, so it reveals nothing about you.
I have found that Kelly Direct does not offer just some "run of the mill" MBA, and there is certainly no love lost between the on campus and online versions of the program when it comes to academic rigor. Show of hands for other applicants that want a run of the mill MBA that lacks rigor? Still nothing about your aspirations that separates you from any other applicant.
Therefore there is no doubt that this program will challenge me. I also see the Kelly Direct weeks and team focus of the program providing a great deal of diversity. These activities cause the meshing of individuals and ideas from diverse ethical and corporate cultures. Consequently removing us from the comfort zones we are used to, thus promoting and encouraging thinking "outside of the box". Yeah, show of hands of MBA students who want to go to schools with a homogeneous student body? Anyone for staying in the box all the time? Anyone want to stay in the old comfort zone?
I'm teasing you a little, so please don't take it the wrong way. Analyzing your essay took some time that I could have devoted to watching a rerun. I did it line by line to show you that you have not really given the reader any specific insight into you or your motives.
I wager that you have unique aspirations and unique challenges and some unique reasons for wanting to come to Kelly Direct. The minute they become part of your essay, your essay will get a lot more interesting.
You can come up with them with a few minutes of thought about why you really want to go. Doing so will dramatically increase the quality of your thinking on the topic and your chances of being accepted because your essay will be unique. I believe there is something that makes you worthy of admission to the school, but you need to look harder to find it.
Good luck, Stephen.
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