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Kindly Review my Personal Statement for a Masters in Cybersecurity at Sheffield Hallam Uni

startupng 1 / 2  
Feb 12, 2020   #1
Kindly review my personal statement to be attached to the application. Instructions are:

why you have chosen this course.
how your previous education and experience have prepared you for the course.
the impact it will have on your future career (if applicable).
This should include your reasons for choosing this course and, if applicable, the impact it will have on your future career (minimum 100 words).

Please note that I have removed certain personal information from the essay( and I've only proof-read once ), so pardon any typographical or grammatical error.

Background and Work Experience

2 years into my admission to study Clinical Anatomy, I took my first Undergraduate course in Computer Science and my study towards acing the exam felt natural. I thought to myself, maybe this was due to the fact that my guardian at the time was a Computer Science Grad, having occasionally spent some of my free time reading through his notes. Fast forward by another 2 years, I was more than convinced within myself that I wanted nothing other than to be a Technologist. I had advisory discussions with my then mentor about losing 2 academic sessions, in a bid to cross back to the Department of Computer Science. He strongly advised against it, and that going forward, I should tailor my internship and work experiences towards Information Technology and grow from thereon.

This, reinforced the belief that made me an outlier during my compulsory Internship year when my colleagues were off to Health Institutions for their internship, I made an application to the most technologically inclined and innovative financial institution in Nigeria at the time, Guaranty Trust Bank(GTB), traveling 300km by road to take test and interviews, which I successfully aced. The Internship experience gave me a critical insight into Technology and how it has empowered shaping the success of businesses.

My 21year old mind was enthralled at the experience and by the time I graduated, it was evident that I had grown beyond the young kid from [redacted] town who was the "family handyman" who loved to tinker with gadgets, electronic devices & Computers and one who bought the medical idea his Nurse mom sold to him while in secondary school, to being one who knew that his future lied in Technology. There was certainly no looking back at this point.

I landed my very first job with [redacted], following a Technical Bootcamp with an acceptance rate of 1%. There, I first came by Software Development developing mostly internal applications alongside my colleagues. Couple of months later, I chose the opportunity to work with the [redacted] Co-Founder/CEO [redacted], someone who I had long admired, in his new enterprise [redacted], as a Business Development Associate, developing and executing the first online fast-food delivery business for a mega-food chain business in [redacted].

A couple of months later, I was poached to resume as a Technical Support Specialist with [redacted]. This was where I thoroughly sharpened my teeth technically, growing from an Enterprise newbie to mid-level manager. I oversaw the expansion of the business from 9 siloed branches to about 25 interconnected branches, and led the technical team that scaled into an Enterprise Technical & Digital transformation team. At the core of my responsibilities beyond leading the team, was Networking, Infrastructure Management, Helpdesk Management, Technical product, and Project management. This sufficiently armed me with knowledge across Technology verticals, understanding user perspectives and concerns of Federal IT Governance decision-makers towards swift technology adoption.

One essay at a time.

OP startupng 1 / 2  
Feb 12, 2020   #2
Moderator: Please note that it is a statement of about 1,000 words, I only broke donw into parts for more readability and clarity.
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,494 2944  
Feb 12, 2020   #3
Even at 1000 words, this essay is way too long and over detailed for it to maintain the interest of the reviewer. Are you submitting this online? If you are, do you know what the word cap for the online form is? Kindly find out what the cap is so that you can edit the content of your essay to meet the cap requirement. Otherwise, you may not be able to submit the form online.

As for the content, you are too long to respond to all the questions. Summarize the information about your background and everything else. You need to try and present all of the information within 500-750 words at the most. That is the acceptable word count for most online and offline application forms. The idea is to use bullet points, outlines, and summaries to help increase the interest in your response and also, make it easier for the reviewer to scan the page and immediately see the responses to the questions. At this point, the essay is coming across as an academic and professional biography, which will not be very good for your application. You don't have to outline your academic and professional career at every step. Only the historical information is important. Not the whole quest.

My advice is, take the 1000 word essay and edit it for content. Use bullet points to highlight your academic and career accomplishments, Use the paragraph form essay for all other response requirements. That is the best way to present such a meticulous response statement. Don't break it down into sections. Work towards developing an essay that the reviewer will appreciate reading because boredom will not set in. Remember, you need to get him to be interested in you within the first 2 paragraphs. If you don't, he is going to move on to the next applicant, who may successfully done just that.
OP startupng 1 / 2  
Feb 14, 2020   #4
Oh, thank you for your insightful response.

The application only requested for a minimum of a 100 words. As this is my first time of filling out Graduate application forms, some universities across Eastern Europe(Lithuanina & Estonia) to be specific, that I had applied to, requested for between 2000 and 4000 words, hence off the top of my head, I considered 1000 word for a University in the UK appropriate.

I would review as adviced, and repost.
Thank you.

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