Please let me know what you think and if there are any mistakes/things that I could write better. Thank you so much!
Dear Mr. XX,
It is with great enthusiasm that I submit my application for the XX Programme 2015, which I believe may report to you.
My strong desire to join XX does not only come from the fact that it is the largest building society in the world, but from its technology and innovation competitive edge: from launching the UK's first internet banking service in 1997 to recently being the first UK financial services provider to launch an app for smartwatches.
Studying a double degree in Business & Law and interning at a multinational advising firm have given me a broad knowledge in areas ranging from strategic management to M&A law, developing exceptional analytical skills. Through challenging and enriching international experiences I have broadened my adaptability, eager to learn and the people skills to match up. During my time at Columbus, Ohio (USA) I got to make friends that work at Nationwide Insurance, letting me know what to "put members first" meant.
During a 3-year period at my residence hall I was in charge of solving my mates IT problems and I was frequently asked for advice. I spend part of my free time keeping up-to-date in the latest technology releases. It would be fantastic to turn something that I am passionate about into a profession in the financial services industry.
What excites me the most about this opportunity is both the rotation component of the programme so we are able to get an insight of the whole business in the area and the constant feedback for improvement that we would receive. What has taken me to succeed at world-class institutions is my desire to get better and trying my best in whatever thing I do, as my excellent results reflect.
I would love the opportunity to meet with you and discuss the value that I can bring to the organization. Please check my portfolio for a deeper insight of myself, my projects and grades. I appreciate your consideration and look forward to hearing from you.
Feel free to call me at XX or email at XX@gmail.com.
Sincerely,
XX
I think that the first sentence should be in paragraph. Generally, the first portion of a cover letter discusses what qualities make you a good candidate for the position. Then it progresses to more specific details that show your academic, volunteer, or work experiences that relate to the position. I'm not sure if the facts about the company should be in the first paragraph. Also, when you begin to discuss what you have learned through enriching experiences, you should add commas (i.e. eager to learn and people skills).
The last sentence in the next paragraph seems to fit in the first paragraph because it discusses your passion for the profession. In the next paragraph, you discuss that you will try your best. However, I think that you should be more specific because you want to show that you want to learn but you still have the ability to do well. The last sentence in this cover letter should be in the last paragraph. You are doing good thus far. I hope these changes will help you.
I made some corrections, please let me know what you think. Thank you very much for the feedback @Icturn87.
Dear Mr. XX,
It is with great enthusiasm that I submit my application for the Digital & Change Graduate Programme 2015, which I believe may report to you. I want to join Nationwide Building Society because it would be fantastic to turn something that I am passionate about (strategy and technology) into a profession in the financial services industry at a diverse site.
I am convinced I would be the right person to join the programme because of the exceptional analytical skills I have developed while studying a double degree in Business & Law and interning at a multinational advising firm, giving me a broad knowledge in areas ranging from strategic management to M&A law.
Also, my enriching international experiences (I am a Spanish citizen that has studied and travelled extensively around the world) have broadened my adaptability, eager to learn, and the people skills that seem to fit with Nationwide Building Society adding diversity to the organization. My language skills would also be an asset. I want Nationwide to be my next challenge.
Despite not having a technology educational background it is an area that excites me, in which I spend part of my free time keeping up-to-date in the latest technology releases. During a 3-year period at my residence hall I was in charge of solving my mates IT problems and I am frequently asked for advice.
During my time at Columbus, Ohio (USA) I got to make friends that work at Nationwide Insurance, letting me know what to "put members first" meant. I have no doubt that joining Nationwide Building Society would be a correct decision. Not only it is the largest building society in the world, but holds a sustained technology and innovation competitive edge: from launching the UK's first internet banking service in 1997 to recently being the first UK financial services provider to launch an app for smartwatches.
What excites me the most about this opportunity is both the rotation component of the programme so we are able to get an insight of the whole business in the area and the constant feedback for improvement that we would receive. What has taken me to succeed at world-class institutions is my desire to get better and trying my best in whatever thing I do, as my results reflect.
I would love the opportunity to meet with you and discuss the value that I can bring to the organization. Please check my portfolio for a deeper insight of myself, my projects and grades. I appreciate your consideration and look forward to hearing from you. Feel free to call me at XX or email at XX@gmail.com.
Sincerely,
XX
I would like to provide you with some more suggestions on how you can improve. Here are a few suggestions:
You can delete this part of the sentence when you begin your cover letter: which I believe may report to you . Also, don't forget to use punctuation such as commas and period before submitting your final cover letter. For example, the second paragraph you need to add a comma. You could also make this into two sentences. Here is how I suggest you change it:
"I am convinced I would be the right person to join the program, because...". "This gave me broad knowledge in areas...".
The next sentence also needs to be revised. Here is my suggestion:
Also, my enriching international experiences (I am a Spanish citizen that has studied and travelled extensively around the world) have broadened my adaptability, made me eager to learn, and helped me develop interpersonal skills that seem to fit with Nationwide Building Society, which will add diversity to the organization.
The sentence hasn't changed much but some information needed to deleted and there were words that needed to be added. I think that you should use interpersonal skills because it is a different way of saying people skills. It shows you can communicate and interact with people.
The next paragraph, I think you should rearrange the words in this sentence: "Despite not having an educational background in technology, it is an area that excites me and in which I spend part of my free time keeping up-to-date with the latest technology releases".
You should use "in' before Columbus and place a comma before I when you put USA in parenthesis. You should use a different form of the past tense instead of using, "got to make", you could change it to "I made". I also think you should describe how it taught you how to put members first because this is the company's motto. In the next sentence switch "it is" to "is it". You should use commas to explain this: "it has sustained technology, innovation, and a competitive edge".
The next paragraph needs to be changed too. You want to revise it so it shows that you would benefit from the rotation and constant feedback provided by the program. Change this sentence: What has taken me helped me to succeed at world-class institutions, is my desire to get better and trying try my best in whatever work thing I do, as my results reflect.
I know there are many changes that need to be made, but I know they will help you.
you can add the address of your coresspondent on the top of your letter
Thanks guys your feedback really helped me. I hope I get an interview :D
