'Life without light, gas, food..' - diversity statement for law school

I am not sure how a diversity statement should read, and I am having alot of trouble putting together a solid paper. Below is the first complete draft i was able to come up with...i realize it is very, very rough. Any and all advice is helpful.

The dictionary describes the term diverse as "of a different kind, form, character, etc.; unlike: a wide range of diverse opinions." As an African American woman, whom lost her mother at the age of eight, only to be raised by a single black man in a small town; yet went on to graduate high school and earn a bachelor's degree, I am the embodiment of diversity. Each attribute of my past, has shaped my thinking and outlook on life in a way, never possible had I not been born the person I am or faced any of the trials or tribulations which arose in my life. My background did not break me, it is my story; details of which others within the student body may share, but none exactly the same.

I am the second of four girls born to a mother, who began parenthood at the young age of sixteen. Of my sisters, ages: twenty-eight, nineteen, and seventeen, I am the first to graduate from college, one of two to finish high school, and the only who has yet to experience single parenthood. While my older sister has some college, my younger sisters struggle to finish high school, as single mothers. I believe that for my older sister and I to have been separated from our two younger sister's, upon our mother's death and raised by our father was the first opportunity I was given in order to succeed and break the stereo types which were held over our heads from the time we lost our mother. Although life became more difficult upon her death, it was the chili and French toast eating years of my life, which proved to be the most valuable.

I know what it means to live without lights, gas, and to go to the food pantry for food, because shortly after my mother's death, my father was let go from a job he had held for over twelve years. During these times my father held two and sometimes three jobs in order to provide for my older sister and me, never giving up on himself or his worth. Continuously reminding us, that he himself held two associates degrees, which he made clear would never be enough to succeed and live. "never live to work", were my father's words, meaning we were not afforded a roof our heads and college opportunities so that we could just work out of need, we were given the opportunities for higher education so that we could make the choice on how we wanted to live our lives. I chose to take my father's advice, and I went to college. In the beginning, I was uncertain of what career I would chose, but I had the choice. During my senior year, I realized that studying law was my opportunity; the chance to live the way I want to and make a difference.

Allowing me, (my name), to become a member of the student body at California Western School of Law (CWSL) would mean the affordance of an opportunity of a life time for me. As a law student, I will share not only my experiences and unique perspective, but my determination to use this perspective to effect positive change in my law school community and within those I will come in contact with during my future endeavors.

MAKE CORRECTION IN SECOND LINE INSTEAD OF WHOM YOU WRITE WHO
IT IS REALLY ROUGH DRAFTED KINDLY WRITE IT AGAIN

I am sure the details of your life and the "trials and tribulations" you endured have made you the woman you are today - but the essay, as is, does not really state how.

I feel like I know more about your family members than you.

You didnt specify what the school is requesting you to write about regarding diversity. In this case you could start by thinking about what diversity means to you, not Webster. Maybe include info that shows a connection between diversity and your life, race, sex, etc. and describe the impact it made on you.

You mentioned "experiences and [a] unique perspective" that you'd bring to the school - what are they?

Thank you both for your input, it is helpful! I wrote another draft, please share any ideas on how I can improve this draft. Thank you so much.

Draft#2
As an African American woman, whom lost her mother at the age of eight, only to be raised by a single black man in a small town, I can honestly say my past has provided me with a strong personal foundation which I will utilize throughout my life. Each attribute of my past, has shaped my thinking and outlook on life in a way, never possible had I not been born the person I am or faced any of the trials and tribulations which arose in my life. My background did not break me, it is my story; details of which others within the student body at California Western may share, but none exactly the same.

I am the second of four girls born to a mother, who began parenthood at the young age of sixteen. Of my sisters, ages: twenty-eight, nineteen, and seventeen, I am the first to graduate from college, one of two to finish high school, and the only who has not had to experience single parenthood. My father, too, was a single parent as he was mine and my older sister's father. Shortly after my mother's death with two young girls to raise, my father was let go from a job he had held for over twelve years. As a result, our lives quickly became impoverished, even though my father held two and sometimes three jobs in order to provide for us. Throughout this period, I learned what it meant to struggle and the importance of dedication, hard work, and education. Through time I realized that in order to break the cycle of poverty and the additional resulting discrimination, I would need higher education and I would need to be open minded while earning it. My most distinct memory of when these tools came in handy was during my senior year of high school when my English teacher told me that I should go to a junior college, because not many people are able to handle a four year institution's curriculum; she said this to me, despite the fact that I was earning an A in her course and had been just as qualified as the other students she taught. So I applied to the University of California, Santa Barbara and was accepted.

During my undergraduate studies, it was a great struggle learning to manage the curriculum while working, sometimes even full time, but it was needed in order to survive economically. It was during these years that I learned to appreciate the struggles of my past. By confronting and surmounting the obstacles of my past I was able to, not only graduate from college, but learn that there are a great deal of people who have overcome many things and went to do better than those of their past. As a law student, my objective will be to learn how to assist people legally, in order to impose positive change. I believe that in order to fully help a person or cause change, you must, first be able to understand where a person is coming from. My past allows me to be open minded but not blinded or mystified by the differences found in people, thus allowing me to focus on the real issues at hand. Looking back on first job at a Boys & Gils Club, the acceptance and understanding of diversity was very important, as it drew me to take on a tutoring position. I knew that many of the kids in the after school program were less fortunate and many came from homes that did not have anyone who could or would take out the extra time to help them achieve more. Just as these student needed help without being judge by went on outside of school, I had once needed that and I got it from people who didn't judge me by my skin, economic situation, or the fact that I had lost my mother at a young age

Allowing me, T.Rogers to become a member of the student body at California Western School of Law (CWSL) would mean the affordance of an opportunity of a life time for me. As a law student, I will share not only my experiences and unique perspective, but my determination to use this perspective to effect positive change in my law school community and within those I will come in contact with during my future endeavors.

I have a hard time reading your second version, as it appears here as one long chunk of text. Inserting line breaks between paragraphs would help. Did you take out the part about being without lights? Put that back in! What happened to the chili and French toast? Put those back in! Details are essential!

I am going to say something I usually don't say: Ignore the feedback that you received above. Generally peer feedback is best, but it's the job of the forum moderators to step in if good advice has not been given. You are applying to law school, not preparing for an IELTS test or writing an undergraduate admissions essay.

You have identified yourself as an African American woman from a sometimes impoverished background and described, in excellent and vivid detail, what that has been like for you. Women of color in general and women of color from poor or working class backgrounds in particular are in very short supply at law schools. Simply by bringing your experiences into the classroom, you will be helping the university to meet its need for diversity. If you can go further and show that you know what legal scholars have said about this, that would be even better. Are you familiar with Critical Race Theory? This is a sub-field within Critical Legal Studies which holds that the standpoint of the legal scholar, in terms of his or her background and life experiences, does influence perception and reasoning and that, for this reason, diversity among judges, legal scholars, etc. is absolutely essential. You may want to make reference to this theory if you are familiar with it. If you are familiar with the work of Patricia J. Williams (many of her essays are online) or other women of color who have written of their experiences in the legal field, that would also be useful.

Good luck!

I don't believe I gave bad advice. In fact, Draft 2 seems to satisfy all the suggestions I made. After reading it, I feel like I know about you and your background, the impact it has made on you, and how you will help diversify the classroom with all you bring to the table.

As a Black woman, I would never tell another to omit or downplay their background - whatever it may be. I just felt you could have expressed it more effectively. And you definitely did in Draft 2. Great job!

Right. And draft 2 is much weaker than draft 1. As a law school diversity statement. I didn't mean that your advice was bad in general, only that it did not take into account what law schools in particular want to see in such statements.