No one can change you before you change yourself.
This sentence is probably simple, but for me its mean is more than that. It is probably an over-simplified description of life, but it does describe life. It does describe that you can't rely your life on someone or something. It makes you believe that your success is no warranty. You might be pay an expensive tuition in school and hope after you graduated you will absolutely success but it really doesn't make sense. You might be dropped by someone but as long as you try your best to success, it will happen. This sentence has a big role in my mind that no one can ensure my success, more than I believe that I will and I can change my life as long as I never give up about it. My mother always told me that the luck is made by ourself. We do our best effort then get the great achievement, that is the luck. We love someone and someone loves us back, that is the luck. That is how my mother influences me that we must create our own luck to make our life means. It such a good relation between that sentences meaning and my mother's advise.
At the time when I was in highschool, I was very curious about what is the most basic in people life? What is the most basic that influences people of thinking? What is the most basic that determining people's attitude? Till this curiosity brought me to the conclusion that the most basic thing is Education. People are born then get the first education from their parents. How their parents educate them is forming their characteristics. People are schooled formally, how they educated by their teacher, what kind of education they have chosen, all of that influence their way of thinking and their way to treat others. I finally decided to take educational field for my undergraduate study majoring mathematics education, besides learning more about education, people around the world in any subjects use mathematics therefore my knowledge can be useful for more people.
I was the one of five students that got full scholarship from Indoesian Government called Bidikmisi in my department. I was very grateful because from this scholarship I was not only getting free tuition but also a lot of useful trainings and seminar such as Free Toefl Preparation Class, Training of Leadership, Seminar of Children and Adult Education, etc. I was seriously doing my college life that was showed in my great GPA score. I got ninety five percent excellent grade and trusted to be a Lecture's assistant in Calculus and Learning Method subjects. Not only in academic ways, I also involved in many social and charity activities. I and my friends who have same visions taught children in a small village in our province without salary and gave them some Mathematics Learning Media for free. It makes me grateful because I was given a great chance to continue my study to university when people out there have trouble even looking for food.
For being someone that able in educational field, I think that I must improve my knowledge and my experiences in it. I aspire to go to study abroad learning more about education in country that has best education, then I decided to choose South Korea as my destination place to continue my master degree. Korea has gotten a huge perception shift in my mind and the minds of people all over the world. Right now, the world is marveling at the emergence and success of Korea which is in largely not only because of its media and entertainment industry but also because of its quality of education. Korea became one of the countries in the world with the best quality education version of OCED, 2015. To study abroad, I realize that I must know everything about my destination country, then I seriously effort by learning about Korean people language, cultures, history, etc in Korean people Cultural Center Indonesia (KCCI) in Jakarta. I also improve my daily conversation ability in Korean people language by watching Korea TV programs, following Korean people Instagram accounts, trying to make friends with Korean people,etc. I like Korea not only due to its quality of education, but also due to Korean people manner in politeness, modesty, respect for parents and many more. I have heard that in Korea muslims are not too difficult to get food like in Europe because Korean people often tell which foods are allowed and should not be eaten by a Muslim. It is a great chance of me if I can continue my master degree in Korea.
After I decided to try to continue my master degree in Korea, I also tried to find the scholarship that could link my background study with my purpose to study in Korea. I thankfully found Graduate Korean Government Scholarship Program (KGSP-G). I am not looking for scholarship that only provides tuition fee and life cost but the scholarship that provides great programs in many aspects such academic aspect, social and charity aspect, Korean language, Korean historical and cultural aspect. Therefore I will not have experienced in academics aspect only, but also chances to learn out of my comfort zone. I have read about KGSP guideline and very exited about its program. Before getting to college, I will learn about Korean language in other university that I have chosen and I have known that KGSP also engages guarantees visit Korean historic place such as palace, cultural center,etc. It was an amazing scholarship program that I have ever known. I can imagine how grateful and happy I am if I get chance to study in Korean and helped by KGSP to explore my knowledge beyond my major of study. I can not wait about it.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Develop a more focused family background for yourself. Shorten the part about your view of life. The first part of your essay must contain a summarized autobiography on your part, along with a focus on your hopes and dreams for your own future. Be specific. You are wasting word count and page space with the way that you tend to just discuss topics without really relating them to the prompt specific discussions. There are 4 assessment questions you are required to respond to. Make sure you respond in chronological order and focus only on the topics that are required. Review the prompt requirements against the essay you wrote and you should clearly see which parts should be removed from your essay.
Your motivation for wanting to study a higher level of education is not clear in the essay. This motivation must fall in line with your decision to study your masters degree n Korea. It cannot be a line of reasoning as simple as Korea being a leader in the educational field in the region. You have to convince the reviewer that your decision to study in Korea is because there is a problem or a shortcoming in the masters degree universities in your own country that you have found the Korean masters degree universities are able to address.
If you are expecting to impress the reviewer with the information about you enrolling in a Korean Center in your home country, you are sadly mistaken. You cannot claim to just be studying the language. If you want to truly make an impression, then tell him you took the TOPIK test and indicate your score, along with the test results document. Your narration in that part is relevant, but is weakened by the language reference as there is no indication of your Korean proficiency level. Indicate that you plan to take the TOPIK before you go to Korea if you have plans to do so in order to strengthen your language claims.
Skip the reference to Korean Muslims. Do not turn the essay into an ethnicity discussion. You could insult the reviewer by doing that. Don't mention any member of Korean society at all. Discuss the society in general terms, without any particular focus in order to avoid stepping on toes accidentally.
The last part of your essay is very well developed. Just work on the problem parts in the earlier sections and the essay should come out in a usable format already.
@Holt
hello, me again!
i'm sorry holt, but i really confused what i have to write in my first part of my essay, here is one of my correction that i tried to make. would you give me some advises or maybe some corrections please? which part should i add more?
Thanks before :)
I grew up in ordinary middle class family. As the oldest child, I have always be responsible person for my family since that is how I was raised. Both of my parents were not educational practitioners, my father is a businessman and so is my mother. They really attach importance of education proven by the fact that I graduated from college in middle class family means that my parents did their best effort to help me gain a better education in order to have chances at a better career. My parents never forced me to do what I had to do, instead they told me that what I am doing now will affect what will happen to my future. That's how my parents taught me that only myself can change my future, not others.
