LSE- Grad Adm Essay on Development - rate my intro & Conclusion!

INTRODUCTION

We all have those "ah-ha moments" in our lives. Those brief moments or events that shape the way we view the world and forever our place in it. For me, this moment took place in the rugged terrain of western Kenya in a little known village called XXX. Up until this moment, my experience with those in developing nations had been marked by intense memories of poverty, death, neglect and suffering. My last three months as volunteer Director interim for a small Luo orphanage had taken its emotional toll, leaving me feeling helpless in my efforts for lasting change. But it was to the people of XXX, both women and men, and I make this distinction clearly, that I attribute all my achievements since.

They called themselves the XXX(XXX), the first completely self-sustainable village I had ever encountered. They grew sunflower seeds which were used to make and sell cooking oil. They used the empty shells as food for livestock. They made bricks and fertilizer from the cow dung. They had their own re-forestation program. They even used the subsidized sale of ARVS to promote AIDS/HIV awareness. But to me, they were nothing short of a miracle, namely because they were a matriarch. I remember distinctly, walking into a barren classroom of 150 children's voices singing, "A girl can do anything a boy can do, if she is given the chance!" A tall, dark man who had seen my eyes watering said to me, "We don't want to need help. Something had to change. Us men are here to support the women, we do chores, sweep, clean- anything to help them take care of the children." This little village was far more than a ray of hope. In a country where 70% of the illiterate population is female, over half of the women are victims of female genital mutilation and there are no laws against spousal rape, RVP served as a potential catalyst for a movement that exceeded the expectations of even the most advanced nations. I left the village of Rabour with a renewed perspective on life in Africa and an insatiable desire to learn all I could about sustainable development and the influential roles gender barriers in childhood education play. The unique green business practices of RVP would also ignite my interest in microfinance and alternative energy procurement in the developing world- an interest that would eventually lead to my work with XXX and my decision to apply to LSE.

CONCLUSION

My "aha-moment" in XXX, Kenya has forever changed my perspective on international development practices and has ultimately led me to your university. It has proven to me that the developing world is far more than the needy, poverty-stricken, faces that paint our Western media, our volunteer excursions and our mind frame. My lifetime goal is to foster any and all flames of sustainable development via my academic, cathartic and professional commitment to those in the global South- beginning first with the children. Every day villagers in the developing world have taught me more than I could have ever learned from a classroom or cubicle. They have taught me, that even a young American girl like myself, can do anything a boy can do, if given the chance.

^is that your interpretation of an 'ah-ha' moment? Mine is different. Therefore, your use of the pronoun 'we' is too general and broad, because clearly we have different understandings on what an 'ah-ha' moment is.


^its quite unclear as to what it is you are trying to say here. Revise your expression and grammar, so that your meaning can become clearer.


^i question your use of the word 'barren'. What image are you trying to create here?; what do you mean?


^This clause should not be seperated by a comma.


^How did you get, this 'insatiable desire to learn.'


^is sustainable development and the role of gender in childhood education related to an '


?
i would not have thought so. Therefore, i do not see the reason as to why you would mention your 'insatiable desire to learn' about something that is not directly related to your academic interests (i presume microfinance and energy procurement is an academic interest of yours, since you have stated that that interest has led you to apply to LSE)


^Then why would you want to study at a classroom in LSE?


^You actually presented the girls and women in the village as victims and not as women with chances.

*Clearly, there are a number of points that need to be addressed
-You do not say why you are applying to LSE, and how an educational institute such as LSE can help you professionally, academically or both.

-You do not clearly discuss an interest in academic program, the reasons for your interest and an explanation as to why you would like to pursue your interest at LSE.

^(Assuming this is a personal statement that you are writing)

Thanks for your comments.

I discuss my reasons for applying to the departments in the body of the personal statement before the conclusion. I say:

I am drawn to LSE's Msc Urbanization and Development program because of its notable professors whom I share communal passions, its personalized academic structure, and the opportunities afforded to me in UK academia. For example, I am particularly interested in Dr. XXX research on racial capitalism in South Africa given my own observations of the inequalities of South African townships in 2007. Furthermore, I am intrigued by his focus on the Marxist critique of political economies and variations of capitalism with the onset of globalization. My senior honors thesis focused on Marxian applications to the emerging global market economy and the stark variations both the global North and South have made in its evolution. I feel that London would offer me an international perspective of academia that I have not previously been afforded, save for my studies in Germany in 2004.

I am also applying to LSE's Social Policy and Development program because of the significant emphasis it places on individuals working or living in developing nations. I am equally intrigued by the work and scope of Dr. XXX. Although I understand her role as Director of LSE's Urbanization and Development program, both programs would allow me to take her taught course. Like Dr. XXX, my research and field work spans Latin America, West Africa and South Easteast Asia. We also share a communal passion for research in gender and development. Ultimately, my career objective is to work for a southern non-governmental development organization with a focus on gender and cultural equality in the education system. I would like to maintain my academic focus in the field as well by continuing my research and publications.

Do you think I need to clarify this even more in the intro/conclusion? In all honesty, I am interested in all facets of sustainable development- energy procurement, gender/cultural tolerance in childhood education (which plays a huge role in development), and micro-finance options (which are tied into equal rights for women).

I also was not intending to paint the women or girls as victims, but merely trying to acknowledge all the obstacles faced against them and how they are still a matriarchal society- and how that is far beyond inspirational.

Also, would it be best to define an "aha moment" as a moment of clarity, which all the pieces fall together, and outline a path for our direction in the world?

Thanks!

I am drawn to LSE's Msc Urbanization and Development program because of its notable professors with whom I share communal passions, enjoy personalized academic structure, and explore opportunities afforded to me in UK academia.


Excellent, Jessica, this is the kind of specific plan that gets a good response from readers.

:-)