Please provide any feedback or response as to how I could make this Essay stronger. I appreciate all the input and dedicated time for looking at my paper. Thank you.
This personal narrative is not written with the intention of evoking any type of sentimental feelings or pity at his expense. This is a story about a boy who grew up in two different worlds and had no chance of success but in the end with sheer will and hard work, He became a prolific member of society while making a difference in every person's life that he is blessed to be in.
In the community I grew up in and the way my train of thoughts were shaped I cannot help but reminisce about the past experiences and struggles I have experienced and still go through today. Growing up in two different worlds, I have had different experiences, a plethora of aspirations and dreams that has had to transform, but the one constant element that ties my two lives together is the fact that I sincerely believe that I can be and will always be an individual that will change or motivate at least one person in this lifetime because I care for each member in the population as though they were my own family. Furthermore, as a result of growing up in two contrasting worlds I have been granted tremendous motivation and opportunity to keep promise so that I can be able to help people .
In the African culture, as a child ages into a young adult it is up to them to live their life with no parental guidance or help, mainly regarding monetary means. As a child of this culture I witness first hand just how troublesome and stressing it is to adjust to that particular mind set here in the United States. Being part of this Master's program is not much of an aspiration but a personal goal that I intend on achieving because being able to be in this type of program is the opportunity of a lifetime. There is no way where I came from I could have had such an opportunity as this. Living here in the United States, and most of my life in Africa, I have had tragic experiences which have led me to pursue a Master's Degree in Anesthesia and in the future the pursuit of a PhD and this program. Sad to say that most of these experiences I have had to deal with regard the death of loved ones, but I have also had to deal with other extenuating circumstances.
So far in my life I have known nothing but school and work, and in these two areas I have put all my efforts because my main goal is to make others lives better, especially my family back in Africa. I was premature born at approximately five months. Unlike other people who went through the nine months of maturation, I had to deal with various struggles against malnutrition, infections and other countless diseases that reside in Africa as result. I have wondered for so long why and how I survived this difficult feat and became the man I am today, healthy and alive. The positive I took from living in poverty back in Africa is that during the years before coming to America it was the doctors and pharmacists in Africa who really kept me alive and healthy because I can recall everyday each week my grandfather took me to the hospital in Nairobi, which was no easy task since it was a whole day's trip, so that I can get my daily treatments.
With time I grew to admire and respect the Doctor's and the Pharmacist even more as they demonstrated such passion in wanting to help a complete stranger. Their continuous efforts led me to admire them and as a result I obtained a goal to strive for. This was an important turning point of my life because unlike the U.S hospitals, the ones in Kenya did not have the latest technological machines and in that economy most of the people just cared about making profits and not the well being of an individual patient. At that time, I realized then that I want to be a person who can help make a difference in someone's life as they did in my life.
I have come so far in my life so much that as I sit here and reflect on it I can say that I am proud of my achievements and nothing can curb my enthusiasm and longing to gain further education.
As a human being and a US citizen I understand that I was not a straight 4.0 student and I am not here to make excuses about why that did not occur. .For those who were able to achieve that I extend a congratulatory hand to them and praise them for their accolades all I know is that through the years I have persevered and endured trials and tribulations. I am just sincerely stating facts that I know has happened and what I can accomplish if I set my mind to finish My Master's in Anesthesia Program School if given the opportunity. I have never quit at anything in life and I did retake a few courses in college class because I was not happy with the results even though as per program curriculum so I took the class a second time and I achieved what I wanted to gain which was more than a grade and that was a better understanding of the subject matter.
At one point in my life I did not think there was a possibility of even going to college, but the one thing that changed my perception on everything was back in my senior year of high school When I transferred schools to James W Martin I was solely the only black male in the AP program and I had to adjust to the culture and different people at the school. It came as a complete shock to me I received the Honor of being one of the Top 10 graduating students at Martin High and even better yet I was one of the only two African American students but the only one that was a black male. I was absolutely shocked and amazed that I was selected even above the Valedictorian of our class. At this point I realized that hard work, perseverance and being humble can eventually lead to success.
Later, during the school year I also received an award from the Arlington Independent School District also as one of the top ten students in the entire school district!. I carried on my motto of hard work, perseverance into my college years where I graduated with a Bachelors of Science and a Minor in Psychology during my years at Texas A&M University I had the privilege of being inducted into Tri Beta Beta National Honor Society and also the Psychological Honor Society and I was also involved in countless community outreach programs and I was also vehemently involved with other organizations such as the Student Health and Outreach Society, National Society of Leadership and Success and the African Society Association. Each organization had strict guidelines that had to be followed in order to be a member of each club and through hard work I was able to be a part of these prestigious programs while maintaining an above average GPA.
I want to be An Anesthesiology Assistant because to reiterate I would like to make a difference in the lives of others. After completing my Masters of Medical Science in Anesthesia program and gaining some more experience I wish to travel back to my homeland of Kenya and be involved in a community outreach program called AFYA health systems that was initiated so that I can better serve the community that produced a tough , caring young man. . I have seen and lived through tumultuous times as individuals have died of simple diseases that could have been prevented. The loss of one life to me is unbearable even if it is someone I do not know and if I am in a position to help these individuals then I will try and give my best efforts to help them out. There are some individuals look at the monetary glamour of being in the Anesthesia Science program as opposed to actually looking at the fact that most people that do go into this field care about others well being. I have never wavered at the fact that I want to help people from all around the world whether they reside in the impoverished areas like I grew up in or a more high scale society. The most effective way I can do this is by becoming knowledgeable and in the arts of drugs and medicine. Life we know it can be prolonged thanks to the continuous addition of new drugs into the market and I can find a drug to help save a life then I can truly say that I have accomplished all my goals
Lastly, with all the trials and tribulations I have been through I believe it would be in the best of interested for future students and those struggling in life if they had somebody to relate and be their for them as they also pursue and find their way in the education field. The way I can do this is to be a teacher and role model by this I will be able to guide students in the right path and this is where the pharmacy school program serves its importance. This opportunity is the first step into possibly accomplishing my goal in making a difference in the world and if not possible at least one person similar to how doctors back in Kenya helped save my life.
I would like to help you with your essay.
The last sentence of the first paragraph, you should place a period after success. Then begin a new sentence that begins with, "Yet, in the end with sheer will and hard work, he became a prolific member of society while making a difference in every person's life that he was blessed to be in."
The next paragraph, I am going to suggest a change of word choice for part of the sentence:"... shaped, I cannot help but to reminisce about my past experiences and struggles I once had, and those that I contend with today.
The next sentence is a run-on sentence because it has too much information. You can separate your details by forming new sentences. I'm unsure if you mean your aspirations and dreams have transformed you. However, this should be the end of your sentence. The next sentence you should discuss motivating "at least one person in this lifetime". The following sentence should begin with, "I care for each member..."
The last sentence you could use less words. Here is a suggestion to improve the last sentence in the paragraph: "...worlds, I have been given the opportunity to fulfill my promise to help people."
I'll tackle a few paragraphs on this essay, paragraphs that needs more work;
- He became a prolific member of the society...
- while making a difference in every person's life that he is blessed to be inwith .
- In the community I grew up inwith and...
- the way my train of thoughts were shaped, (mind your punctuation marks, if you don't have them in the right places, your readers might loose interest in your article)
- but the one constant element that ties my two livesthis two worlds together
- ...so that I can be able toof help people .
- From where I came from, there is no way where I came from I could have had...
- Living here in the United States, and most of my life in Africa,
Comondi, as personal as it can get, your essay is written well and I wish you good luck in this challenge, I just want to remind you not to do a direct translation of your thoughts and ideas. When you think of a certain sentence to write, always remember the subject and verb agreement, you tend to begin your sentence with the verb instead of the subject, so keep this in mind all the time.
